Friday, August 19, 2011

Surviving Marital Infidelity - You Need to Be Aware of These Potential Roadblocks

Surviving marital infidelity is no easy task. It is often a long process and you will have to exercise patience, perhaps unlike any other time in your life. Things won't always go smoothly, but surviving marital infidelity is indeed possible and you can do it, too.

As you and your spouse work to rebuild the trust and foundation of your marriage, you may encounter times when your offending spouse may not be acting quite like you would think they should, or at least in the manner you would expect or like them to.

As the injured spouse, you clearly have negative thoughts and feelings you need to work through about your spouse because he or she chose to have the affair. You need to be aware that your cheating spouse also has thoughts and feelings regarding the affair.

Unfortunately, some of your spouse's feelings might be positive or caring toward the paramour. Your spouse may possibly still long for the extramarital relationship. Hopefully, he or she will also feel guilty and remorseful for the affair and experience a growing sense of relief now that he or she has told you the truth, though there may be no obvious signs of these feelings.

In reality, there is simply no way for you to know what is in someone else's head or heart, or hear someone else's inner dialogue. Your spouse may be suffering greatly on the inside, or may be in a state of denial regarding his or her actions.

In order for your marriage to heal and survive marital infidelity, the offending spouse must take ownership of his or her active part in the wrong-doing before they can have feelings of guilt. Then the cheating spouse needs to work through these negative thoughts and feelings, and not avoid them. But in feeling and working through guilt, there are obstacles that your spouse could encounter.

In order to understand your spouse's behavior when it comes to feeling or not feeling guilt, and indeed assist you in surviving marital infidelity, you need to first familiarize yourself with the potential roadblocks he or she may be facing:

1. Your Spouse May Have No Clear Definition of Cheating

It is common for those that have cheated to say it wasn't cheating because they never actually physically touched them. However, your spouse poured all of their intimacy into their "friend" by use of communication, both verbal and through use of email, texting, and the like. As a result, it is likely you feel betrayed and slighted and feel as though that intimacy that went to him or her was rightly yours.

The common definition of infidelity is "marital unfaithfulness." The actions taken by your offending spouse were most likely that of a hidden nature, actions that they preferred that you did not discover. Lying to cover it up and acting in a clandestine nature. If the actions they were engaged in were not things they would be comfortable sharing with you, it would generally be deemed as cheating. Until your cheating spouse comes to terms with that, it could be a potential roadblock.

2. Your Spouse Does Not Understand What They Did Was Wrong

It is not uncommon for the cheating spouse to know in their hearts that what they were doing was not appropriate, but have rationalized things to a point where they have convinced themselves it was ok. Using the points in the first roadblock example, they may have rationalized that since there was no physical contact with their paramour, that there was nothing done wrong. Again, your offending spouse needs to accept that these actions were indeed marital infidelity if your marriage is to survive.

3. Your Spouse Blocks Out the Emotions Caused by the Affair

If it does not seem to you that your cheating spouse is exhibiting any feelings of guilt due to the affair, it may simply be that they are blocking those emotions out, as they are too painful to deal with. In fact, your spouse may be having a hard time actually working through those guilty feelings, the suffering you are experiencing, and the other damage caused to you, to your relationship and possibly to your family.

In order for your marriage to survive the infidelity, the cheater has to do the work necessary to heal, just as you have your own emotions and thoughts to work on as you try to move forward beyond the offense.

If your spouse goes for an extended period without exhibiting guilt, shame, or remorse for the marital infidelity, it is quite possible they are having challenges overcoming the first two roadblocks.

Surviving marital infidelity is not easy and you will often encounter obstacles. Whether you have experienced a cheating spouse or are afraid that it could occur, to restore the trust and save your marriage from divorce I strongly recommend for you to download the 7�Part Survive an Affair course from Dr. Frank Gunzburg. Click here now for instant access:

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