Thursday, October 23, 2008

His Pink Dress Shirt

As I got out of work today, on my way home, I ran into my ex in the parking lot. He got out of his vehicle and approached me and as he made his way towards me I could smell him before he even got close to me.....that same old smell of heavenly cologne. He was dressed up. He never wore jeans but wore his dark blue working pants, but he didn't seem to have those on today. He had on his pink button up dress shirt that he's had for years, the same one that he wore on some of those late night outings when he used to go out for "estimates". He looked so good and I didn't want him to see how much I missed him. He gave me some old mail that really wasn't worth looking at and reached over and gave me a hug. I was floored. I told him that I was in a hurry to get home and even though he let me go, I could see in his eyes that he missed me. I know that seeing him was hard, but I have to face the fact that I will never be able to be with him again because I will never be able to trust him.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Starting New Traditions

I need to view my future with a new outlook on life. I don't really know where to start with this, but I am going to really try hard. I think that I might want to take on a new hobby to ease my mind on all the pain that I have been put through. I think that something such as bowling, or crocheting, or even sewing might be good for me.
The holiday seasons are about to be upon us and I would like to start some new traditions this year too. Maybe I could find some craft shows coming up in my area and visit those with my daughter, or how about finding some type of Christmas play to attend. I think that my daughter would love to do this too. That might be something that we can both do together. We always take one day out every year about a week before Christmas to make some homemade Christmas cookies and pastries and I think that we will still keep this one tradition because it's so much fun doing it together and fixing up cookie baskets to give to our friends and family. What are your holiday plans? Any new traditions that you are going to start this year?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Dear Daddy

A Note From a Daughter To Her Father

Dear Daddy,
I don't understand why you can't find the time to come and see me. You tell me that it's because you work so much and that you don't have time to come over....but if that was true, and you are making alot of money from working then why hasn't my child support come in? I don't know why you didn't come for my 15th birthday party, especially when you knew that I really wanted and needed you there. You don't seem to care that it hurt my feelings when you suddenly cut off my cell phone without telling me you were going to do it first and why. I thought that you put me on your cell phone account so we could talk to each other. I was in the band for the past 3 years and you never once bothered to come see my concert or come to a football game to see me play. I am here every day after school and I know that you are busy but even one simple phone call ever so often from you would at least tell me that you still care. I love you daddy and I guess when I get married one day, I will have to come to your house and drag you out so you will at least walk me down the isle. Please come to see me or at least call daddy. I love you, love, Tess

Saturday, October 18, 2008

How Can My Ex Forget He Has A Daughter?

Today of all days, I just seem to be feeling some anger. It has been many, many months since my ex has come to see our daughter. Our daughter is a very beautiful teenager. Her and I were talking this morning on the way home from the barn and her English riding lesson and I got a phone call from a relative and he and I were discussing the fact that his new partner got mad at him for calling up his ex to see what kind of medicine their son was on because he was coughing so much. I was livid!!! Every father has a right to call the ex to see about their child. That child doesn't have just ONE parent..... which lead my daughter to ask me about her father and why he doesn't call about her, or even come over. I had to explain to her that since her dad is self employed, he has weird working hours and sometimes doesn't have alot of extra time, but that he is welcome to call at any time he wants to see how she is, and he is also welcome to come over to my house to see her at ANY time. Heck, he is even allowed to take her out when he has time at any time on any day !!! I have removed the barrier of certain weekends or whatever so that I can accomidate him because I know how important it is for a father to have communication and visitation with their child. I felt so upset that she is without her dad. He and I still speak occasionally, and we get alone just fine, but somehow, some way, he has totally forgotten about her. He doesn't call. He doesn't come over. How can my ex forget that he has such a wonderful daughter? I honestly do not understand!!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Was His Cheating Due To Emotional Disconnect?

I moved out of there, throwing away all that I had done to make our marriage and relationship work. I guess you could say, that after living a lie with this man and his cheating, I threw in the towel. Good riddance to a man who made a clear decision to step outside to find his comfort. I thought that maybe the other woman was skinnier than me, or perhaps was prettier. She was in fact heavier than me and was about the same in her looks as me. I never knew what it was that he wanted in her,and he never gave me any answers, but I just happened to be watching a tv program the other morning and they were talking about why men cheat. One reason that they listed was " emotional disconnect at home". I sat and pondered on this for awhile and wondered if this affected my husband and me in any way. I think that maybe it helped to contribute to our marriage failure. We talked about things alright, and in my mind, we got along fine....however, my husband is from another country and the woman he cheated with me with and moved in immediately with after my leaving was a woman who spoke the same language as he did. Maybe he had more of a connection with her? Whatever the reason, I know that I tried my best and am now moving on. I think that writing about things that bothered me with my ex really helps in my healing. And as far as this "emotional disconnect" I guess perhaps we stopped connecting emotionally?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

How Do You Begin Again?

So here's to a new life, what's next? How do you go about accomplishing a new start? Well, first of all, you will move on when you are good and ready but what about trying to do it while everything is still fresh on your mind? It might be a good time to resolve yourself to a new way of thinking. What kind of a person were you and what did you like to do before you got married? What kind of hobbies did you choose for yourself? Maybe now is a good time to try and go back to "you", the person that had their own thoughts and dreams, a new person who is going to emerge from all of this hurt and pain of the divorce or separation. How do you start? Well, let's just say that maybe you really enjoyed going bowling before you got married, but as the marriage went on, and kids came into your life, you didn't have time for that anymore......well, maybe now is the time to try it again. What if your'e not into bowling? How about a new hobby? What about doing some charity work, helping someone that really needs it? That can also be fulfilling. How about going to the bookstore and getting a cup of coffee and just sitting down to relax a bit? What ever you choose, you can begin a new life for yourself.....a new life of hope and dreams, putting the pain of your lost love behind you.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Wishing I Had Done Something Different

Time marches on and it seems as though the older I get, the faster that time moves forward. Momma always said that when I was younger and now I really believe it. I am coming to learn that life is too short to be unhappy all the time and I look back at my past mistakes and I have many things that I wished that I had done differently. But you cannot do anything to change what's already done. I wished that I would have gotten out of my relationship much sooner than I did. I wasted alot of time, years to be exact, on someone who "said" they loved me and wanted to be with me, but did not show it. He used me and always tried to make me believe that everything that happened bad was my fault. He cheated on me and even though I had proof, he never would admit it. If I could have only seen what it was and prevented whatever it was that he thought I lacked in a wife. It's too late and all I have now is my present and my future. Here's to a brand new beginning.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Learning To Move Forward

After finding out about my husband's cheating, what did I do about it? Well, the first time that I found out, I picked up and left, leaving no trail behind me. There was no way that I was going to accept the fact that I saw my husband with another woman. He never knew that I saw him either and after I did, I called him just to see what he would tell me as to where he was and of course, it was just another lie. How did we get to this point in our marriage? Why did he feel it was necessary to step out on me? We were getting along fine up to that point. We did not have any big fights between us, nor did we have any issues unresolved. Up until that very point, our lives seemed to be great. I don't know why he was such a weak man that he couldn't have just chosen to do the right thing by me, just a simple "no" to the other woman would have been all he needed to say, but didn't. Did his weakness lie in the fact that he just couldn't resist her forwardness towards him, him feeling sorry for her or that he just felt that if I didn't know, it wouldn't hurt? No matter what his motives were, they don't matter anymore. I am moving on now and learning how to move forward.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Darned That OTher Woman

ok, I guess I can say that writing a letter to the other woman would have made me feel really great, but I didn't honestly believe that she would have even read it. In my situation, his other woman knew about me, and she knew about our daughter. She didn't care what she had to do to get to him because all she cared about was herself. I suppose that most "other women" that wants to step into a situation with a married man, knowing that he is married is just out to get what she wants and doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. They so often make believe that " what the wife doesn't know, won't hurt her" but we almost always find out. They sometimes become so careless in what they do, that we eventually see those signs of infidelity and start trying to find out what's going on. What made him want her so much? Well, I really don't know but in our situation, she didn't have a car and couldn't drive. She had so many needs and perhaps he felt the need to rescue her since I was self sufficient and didn't need rescuing. What ever the reason, it's all over now. I look back and see all the hurt and worry, but thankful that he's not my husband anymore, and I feel glad that my days of secretly finding " the clues" are done.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

A Note To The Other Woman

Looking back now, if I had only had the courage, I would have probably written a letter to the other woman, not that it would have done any good, but at least a chance for me to speak my peace about my husband and my is what I would have written:
Dear Other Woman,
Actually, the reason that I write to you is because I am trying to save my marriage, and because of you being in our lives, it is near-to-impossible to achieve. I don't know what your'e thinking, and I don't know where your'e coming from, but let me just tell you where I am coming from.
I married this man, the one who you are seeing, to love, honor and cherish. I have been with him for a very long time. We have a family and it may not be important to you, but it is to me. Maybe he's telling you that I am a bad wife, or that he just can't talk to me, but let me assure you, that we are supposed to be in this marriage for better or worse, thick or thin, and even in the times when we may have problems. His running to you only hurts what's between us and makes it a three-ring circle, instead of a two-vowed by love and honor marriage. I can tell you, that when he's with you, he might be in his own little "heaven" but it's not real. It's not real life because you don't have to deal with the dirty socks on the floor, paying our bills, or deciding what's right for our children. Although you might not care or understand, I still love this man and I want to be able to work out our differences between us WITHOUT you being in the way. That would only be fair. Honestly, how would you feel if you became a home-wrecker? You might be sitting there laughing, but one day, it may come back to haunt you. Please let me work out my problems with my husband first, and then if it doesn't work out, you are free to have him. Just note: he does come with faults. He does have his own issues to work on, and lastly, he isn't perfect!!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Dealing With Infidelities

I have my moments that I wished that things would have worked out but then again, I also see what it has done to my children. Staying with a man who was cheating would have only showed them that I was willing to let things go. My children needed to see that I am a woman who is strong enough to stand up and say "that's enough" when I have had enough. They needed to see that I was no longer willing to waste my precious time following him around to see if he was actually at a job or where he was supposed to be. They needed to see that I was no longer having to check his incoming and outgoing calls while he was in his lengthy showers. My children needed to see that mom was not going to be crying her eyes out every single day and night over a man who obviously didn't care how the family felt about his going out all the time. It wasn't worth my time anymore. I finally had to make that heart-felt decision of being on my own, standing on my own two feet and taking care of my children without him. I was the one doing all the care-taking anyways since he was always gone. Gone are the days of my worrying about what he's doing right now. What a relief......why did it take me so long?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Do You Have Control Over His Cheating?

I am always reading on the internet and many times I have seen articles that state "how you can keep your mate from cheating", however, it disturbs me, since I have gone through it, that you cannot always control what your mate is doing. Many marriages have problems, some that are fixable and some are not. In the instant that you have a marriage that has problems, you need to actually accept that there are problems and seek ways of trying to repair them. Some are not repairable, but some are. What about the marriages that seem to be really going well and your mate cheats? That was what happened to me. I don't understand how some of these articles that read "how you can keep your mate from cheating" when honestly, you cannot control another person. You'd like to hope that your mate wouldn't do that to you, but really, I tried to control the other woman from calling my husband and it simply did not work. Maybe it's really only yourself that you can control in the hopes that he won't cheat.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Working Out A Marriage When Cheating Has Happened

Even though I am waiting on peace of mind, I still have to endure every day life. It seems as though one day I am with him and the next, we were apart. Yes, it was my choice to leave because I had already divorced him after the first round of his cheating, but went back, thinking that he had "learned his lesson" but that never happened......oh, perhaps he could have been remorseful for a brief period in time but how quickly he went back into his old habits. Possibly if he had agreed to go to counseling, we might have had a chance. Many people say "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I don't know if that is totally true. I believe that someone really can change with counseling and a true since of really trying. They have to really want to turn things around and work things out. Everybody's entitled to making a mistake now and then, but when it happens over and over, it isn't just a mistake anymore. They make their own decisions about what they are going to do, good or bad. My relationship ended because he just didn't want to try. He wanted me to sweep it under the rug because he was "promising" once again that it wouldn't happen anymore. There was no trust left and I got so tired of following him and checking his cell phone and his vehicle that I just lost a good portion of my life. I finally decided it was time to give it up. If someone really wants to work out a marriage, it honestly takes two.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Waiting For Peace Of Mind

It seems as though so much time has passed but yet, I still haven't managed to completely and totally get him out of my mind. Some say it takes a year for every so many years you were together but in my case, it just hasn't happened. It's not that I sit here and think about him but perhaps it's that I feel like things were over and done with without a closure. Yes, we got divorced. Yes, we are apart and I never hardly EVER see him. I think about what could have been and why he was not able to fulfill his part of our marriage. I want to scream about it.... I want to cry about it sometimes but most of all, I just wished I could forget about what he did to me. Moving on is something that takes time......guess I will keep waiting for that day.

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