Wednesday, April 29, 2009

5 Things Not to Do When Your Spouse is Cheating

Coping with infidelity can be one of the most stressful experiences you'll ever face. When we find out that our spouses are cheating, our reactions are almost purely emotional - and why wouldn't they be? After all, we've been betrayed. We feel as though our worth has been reduced to nothing. We feel like we've wasted years or even decades trying to please our spouses. And for what?

As hard as it is to find out you have an infaithful wife or cheating husband... It's better to think in terms of strategy, rather than relying on our emotions to guide us. Acting without a plan isn't going to get you anywhere... you're just going to waste more time feeling bad about your marriage and yourself.

Here are 5 things you shouldn't do when coping with infidelity:

1) Don't pretend that the affair doesn't exist. This basically amounts to giving your spouse permission to cheat. It also allows your emotions to fester inside of you - you can pretend it's not happening, but deep inside, you know better. You will have to talk about the affiar with your spouse. It's a good idea to find out how to approach it, though, so the conversation doesn't just turn into a huge blow up - Save the Marriage provides excellent information on tackling this subject with your spouse.

2) Don't enter into a confrontation without proof and purpose. Getting into a conversation with your cheating wife or unfaithful husband without proof is just asking for trouble. Proof doesn't have to mean it's over - it just means there's no room to weasel out of the conversation. Also, make sure your purpose is clear. If you want to rebuild the marriage, make that decision before you ever say a word about the affair. That way, your conversation will more naturally lead to that outcome.

3) Don't focus your energy on the other man/woman. Yes, it takes two to tango, but the other man/woman isn't your problem. Your spouse is. Calling, following, or even thinking about the other person is a waste of energy. Your thoughts and actions must be on getting your spouse to end the affair, and rebuilding the relationship. That's a big enough challenge without worrying about the other person.

4) Don't walk out, or throw your spouse out. Putting distance between you and your spouse is one of the worst things you can do when coping with infidelity. Your spouse needs to know that you're not going away, and that your marriage can't just be swept under the rug. Staying with your spouse gives you the proximity you need to change things and restore your marriage - even if your spouse isn't ready to end the affair yet.

5) Don't broadcast the affair to the entire world. Sure, you need a close friend to confide in, but don't tell all of your friends and family members about your unfaithful wife or cheating husband. The objective is to end the affair and restore your marriage... and you don't want everyone treating you differently after everything is finally resolved. Telling everyone also makes friends want to "fix you up" with someone else to get your mind off the affair... ultimately, that will do nothing but complicate the situation.

These tips will help make the process of coping with infidelity easier, and will increase your chances of restoring your marriage. The key is having a plan, and sticking to it. You can rebuild your marriage!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What Is The Next Step In Getting Over Being Cheated On?

Well, if you read my last post, you will see that I listed 2 important steps to help get you started. I think that once you can honestly feel like you can get past the feeling that maybe you did something wrong, and believing you cannot control your partner's actions, the next thing would be to figure out what should happen next. Now, there are many different options here and you need to know that you do NOT have to make a quick decision on anything right now, unless you are put into that situation where you have no choice. Think things through as to what you are going to do about your partner's cheating. Are you going to tell them you know, or are you going to wait until you have more proof? Are you going to demand answers, sweep it under the rug, or what other options you may have. Think it through, please don't jump before you think. I made that mistake the first time around and left him without any explaination....however, I did go back to him, only to find out that I was better off without him because he broke my heart again and again with his cheating. Make a plan for yourself as to what you think might be in your best interest. Ask yourself, can this marriage be saved, or would I be better off divorced? Only you can answer this and this is something that should be thought through carefully, especially if there are children involved.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Achieving Inner Peace Amongst The Storm

Going through marriage problems, finding out that your partner is cheating on you can really put you through the worst time of your life. You feel like you are in a big storm somewhere lost in the middle without any hope. And that feeling can last like forever, it seems.....but it doesn't. When you discover that your are not number 1 on your partner's list anymore, you cry, you get angry and you just want to know "why", but rarely will you get the answer for why it happened. Don't let them tell you that you were the reason, because it's not you, it's something within them. They are the one that made that choice to step out of the marriage, not you. That's one of the first things you must understand about going through infidelity. It's NOT you. How can you achieve peace while worrying, and wondering what's going to happen next? I think that all depends upon you. You have to know that it wasn't your fault, and once you can accept that, get on top of it and claim it, I think that you are on your way of coming to some sort of peace. You must also realize that you cannot control what your partner does. That is another key to getting some peace about all of this.
1. you are not at fault
2. you cannot control what your partner does
If you can try to get to these first two things, I think that you may be well on your way to helping yourself through the mess of infidelity. I know for me, it took forever, and I wished I could have discovered this earlier on.

Welcome to Coping with Infidelity

coping with infidelityFirst, I want to tell you that I'm glad you're here, although I'm sorry you had to go looking for this page. If you've found "Coping With Infidelity", chances are you're dealing with infidelity issues in your own relationship. Infidelity places a great amount of stress on both partners, no matter who cheated.

There's probably a lot of anger, blame, and guilt right now. And that's perfectly understandable. Infidelity completely erodes the trust of a marriage... and the partner who was betrayed is left wondering how this could happen to them.

You may also be wondering how your relationship could ever survive such a betrayal. For many couples coping with infidelity, the feeling that "the end is near" is overwhelming.

I won't tell you that saving a marriage after infidelity is easy. It's not. It takes a lot of dedication, patience, and work to rebuild trust. But I will tell you that it can be done.

I know that may be difficult for you to believe right now. If your partner is the one who cheated, he or she might not be ready to end the affair. If you're the one who cheated, your partner might not be willing to forgive you yet.
As long as one person (that's you) wants to save the relationship, though, all is not lost. You can learn techniques that will make your partner want to end the affair (or forgive your infidelity, as the case may be). Several close friends have recommended a course called Save the Marriage for learning these techniques.
Feel free to bookmark this page. I'll be providing much more information in the coming weeks to help you, and people like you who are coping with infidelity issues. My goal is to help you rebuild your relationship into one that is happier and more fulfilling than ever!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Once The Infidelity Starts, The Family Life Crumbles

Not only in my own experience but I have seen other situations unfold as well, that once one partner in the marriage or relationship makes the decision to cheat, normal life as it was known before that point changes drastically. They think that maybe they won't be noticed spending more time away from the family....maybe they think we won't notice that they are making changes right before our eyes, and the worst part of it all, is that sometimes we don't notice. Maybe our spouse cheated on us, not meaning to, and tell it that it just happened and they don't know why, but I believe that in some rare cases, this could be true, but most of the time, it just goes on and at that point, it's a choice that they make to do so. Family life starts to suffer because they are taking more and more time away from family things. At some point, they become more distant in the marriage as if we are not of the most importance. Once infidelity starts, family life will suffer because it's not only the "family" anymore. They have decided to bring an outsider into the mix, even if we don't know, there can be serious fall-out. How do we know if the other person they are seeing is free from disease? We also suffer because they are spending family money on that other person, so they are taking away from family money as well. Sometimes the cheater carries on for a long time and once the cheater is caught, trust is gone. Why don't they see that their actions really can devistate the whole family? Maybe they believe that they will never get caught, but most of the time, they do.

Extending The Shelf Life To A Longer Lasting Marriage

In the beginning, marriage is so fresh and new. I wonder if we worked more on keeping that marriage alive, instead of worrying about the nuptials (all the glitz and glory of getting married) would help make things work a little longer. If we paid a little more attention to our spouse at the end of the work day, instead of letting them just go, would we be able to stretch our marriage to a longer shelf life?
When we first get married, we really do spend alot more time working on things with our partners, but as time progresses, we tend to get very busy in bills, work, children, and basically, life in general. Where did the time go that we spent with each other? As things get into a routine, are you happy? Is your spouse happy and how do you know? I think that mostly, we know if they are happy by paying attention to what is going on with you both. Do you go out once a week and enjoy alone time together? Do you still have conversation? I think both of those things are important, as well as keeping up with each other's "outside the marriage" life.
How can we keep a marriage happy and longer lasting? Got any other ideas? I'd love to hear them if you do.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Broken Hearts Are Meant To Be Put Back Together

I truly and honestly believe that broken hearts are meant to be put back together....but that doesn't mean that it has to be put back together by my ex. I am done, done, done. There is no turning back to be with him. I guess that I was put through the test the other day when I saw him. I didn't see him with his other woman, but nonetheless, I came face to face with him. He certainly has grown "old and gray" really fast. I was able to look at him without letting those big brown eyes get to me. I am so proud of myself. I think for me, once he finally admitted that he was going to move back in with his other woman and finally admit that she was not a figment of my imagination, that put everything into perspective for me. No more lies and no more wondering for me. It's done, she's got him now and I am so glad that I am at a closure with this. I had a broken heart over him for such a long time and I know that now that my life has come to an end with him, it's time to heal. Broken hearts ARE meant to heal.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Is Going Through Infidelity Worth It?

Do you really want to have to live through all this pain? Why do we love someone so hard and deep when we don't always get that back? Are we in such hopes that we will not be able to live without our partner that we just fall back and take whatever they give to us, even if it's just a little crumb? I did. I wanted my marriage to last forever, and I didn't want to give up. I thought that if we couldn't mend out marriage that I would feel like a failure. I certainly didn't want others to look at me and say "gee, that woman can't even keep her man"....but you know what? What others have to say really shouldn't matter. We live in a society that we think that it does, but really, you are the only one who has to put up with it all, they don't. Do we just let things go by the wayside because we are happy in our little comfort zone? I know that nothing that I did helped me to keep him, even turning my head the other way wasn't enough. I guess I just wanted to be happy with him forever. But, you know what? Now that I am on the other side of things, I am so glad to be finally over him and no longer having to deal with all the pain that he caused me daily.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

His Attitude Changed When He Started Cheating

What happens to couples when they go through infidelity? First of all, trust, which happens to be one of the most important things in marriage, is broken. When I found out that my husband was not being truthful about where he was going after work or not answering my calls for long periods of time, I began to worry, but at first, it wasn't worry about WHO he was with. At first, I honestly worried about him...wondering if he had a broken down vehicle, or had an accident or something of that sort. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever had thought he was with another woman. When he came home and we would discuss these things, he became enraged. Why? He wasn't enraged about it before, so why all of a sudden did things change? Well, this is what made me start wondering. It was a change in his total being. I started catching him in lies, which was another thing that changed in him. My problem was, that I rationalized my thoughts to make myself believe everything that he told me, even though I did have those deep down gut instinct feelings about the lies and his absence, I let him talk me into believing his lies...I just never wanted to even think he was doing the unthinkable--cheating.

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