Sunday, July 27, 2008

Accepting The Truth

How do you accept that your partner has actually cheated on you? It's hard to think that after going through the steps of getting married, having a home together and children too, that he would actually consider taking a chance at losing it all. I know, I know, he probably didn't think that I would find out that he cheated. He wasn't counting on the fact that the other woman would pursue him and leave messages on his cell phone, knowing that I would be able to access them. He didn't think about the fact that not only did he have responsibilities from his family, that the other woman would also want his attention as well. Did he not have a clue to how this would all pan out in the end? Wasn't having a family enough for him? I guess not. I have to sit down and accept the fact that he did this to us and I have to realize that he wasn't thinking. He didn't care about my feelings. He only cared about what he was doing, and the joy that he was feeling. I now have to accept that. It's hard to accept it, but I will. I need to move on from this life-changing event that happened in my life and I have to make a new life for myself. One little baby step at a time, but I know that I can do it.

Friday, July 25, 2008

No Fairy Tale Endings Here

As a little girl, I grew up with the notion that we get married, move into a little house with a white picket fence, and have children. Boom, end of story, with every day being the best it could be. I don't know where I got this from, except that maybe from the fairy tales stories that my mother always read to me. I sure got gyped that's for sure. There was nothing even near this kind of life for me. I so much wanted to have that fairy tale life, of course, understanding that every single day cannot be a piece of cake. I know that there are many hurdles in life, most of which, you have to struggle and learn to deal with by yourself. But the ending never even came close. I got married, had children, but somehow didn't make it to the fairy tale ending of the story. I have to accept that. I have to start all over again. I honestly married him for love, good or bad, rich or poor. Why did he have to cheat on me? Wasn't our marriage important enough to save?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Time and Healing

Time is a miracle. When I first found out that my husband was cheating on me, I flew out of there so fast it made his head swim. Now, that time has passed through, it is easier to deal with. No, it's not forgotten, but time has healed some of those "shocking" truths. I never thought in my wildest of dreams that my husband would cheat on me, or that he would even have the time to do so, but I can see now, that it wasn't impossible. He did the unthinkable to "us", taking those chances and thought that I would never find out, and he also found the time to do it in. I thought that since he was self employed, that he would be so busy with all the different jobs that he had to ever be able to find time for another woman. Time has made me see things a little more clearly. Does the hurt lessen during this time? I would have to say, in my case, it hasn't taken away the hurt between us, but it has allowed me to think things over, to finally know in my heart that it was HIS choice, not mine, and to be able to get on with my life. After all, life is too short to be with someone who doesn't want you back.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I Just Wished It Would Have Worked Out

As I look back on my life, I see alot of things that I should-o, could-o, would-0, but those days are gone and past. Did I miss something in my marriage to him? Did I take the time to find out why he was cheating? Did I try to make ammends? Honestly, I think that I must have missed doing something, because somewhere along the line, it messed up and we just couldn't make it. Do I blame myself? Sometimes. But I know that as hard as I tried to control the other woman's phone calls coming in to him, it just didn't work. It was bigger than me. Their affair was bigger than "us" and for that reason, I have to say, it was not all my fault. It was his choice. He made that choice to sneak behind my back and see her, to pay her bills, and to give her things that he wasn't giving to me. As far as trying to find out why, yes, I tried so hard but never got any answers. I know now, that I will never hear that answer from him, because to this day, he still refuses to admit it. He says it was her fault. Did I try to make ammends with him? Yes, I did, and I just felt so tired of trying by myself. Marriage is a union of two, and I was the only one trying, so we failed. I just wished that we could have made it, and I look back and feel sorry that it just didn't.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Child Support Issues

I don't know why it was so hard for my ex to actually believe that child support was necessary but when you split up, there are no longer two incomes in the household. Raising children is something that takes money, especially now days. Clothing and food expenses have really risen alot lately. Not to mention the gas to take them to and from outside activities, school and daycare. My ex cried around about the big $350 a month that the lawyer said I was due each month, so I was nice about things and lowered it to $275 a month. I honestly wished that I hadn't done that, but I did. I was in such a hurry to finalize our divorce that I settled for less than I should have. That amount of money doesn't buy much. She is a teen now, and the price of just her shoes are outrageous. Did he think that I was just going to pay for everything for her by myself? I didn't make the kind of money that he was making. It honestly takes two parents incomes to raise children. What was he thinking?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Do You Wallow In Self Pity?

During the times that I was suspecting my husband's cheating, I wanted to explode. I got mad, but I never got even. I wanted to make all the bad things go away. After we split up, I found myself wallowing in self pity. I felt sorry for myself that I had no partner anymore. I felt bad that I was the one having to pay all the bills by myself. I didn't have a big paying job and I just wanted to run away from it all, but I couldn't. I know that I deserved to be loved by somebody, and not someone who wanted more than just me. I knew that I deserved better in life. I didn't feel as though my wallowing about that was a problem. My problem came much later, as I tried pulling myself up into normalcy once again and it was hard. It wasn't just a little hard, it was horrific. I started finding things to be upset about, such as my weight, my job and where I was living. I had to take a stand before I was going to get out of that mess. It took bravery and courage, but finally, I brought myself out of the weepy eyed tears and allowed myself to get back on track to real life once again. Everyone goes through a period of mourning after divorce and each one of us takes a different time table as to when we are going to make ourselves strong again and get on with life. Don't worry if you feel as though you are taking a long time with it, because everyone has to deal with those issues in their own timing. Give yourself credit for the things that you HAVE done.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Does Your Ex Participate?

When I was going through my divorce, my ex was right there, ready, willing and able to participate in our daughter's life. After a little while, and he saw that we didn't have any hope of getting back together, he just all of a sudden, stopped his interest. His caring of how we were doing totally came to a hault. He no longer called ten times a day, begging to get back together. He stopped calling to see how our daughter was doing. He no longer had a desire to help be a parent. I was very hurt by this because I believe that together or not together that all children deserve to have both of their parents available to them at any time they need. Children are innocent in divorce and have no say about things until they reach a certain age. They don't get to choose if we stay together or move away. I was not happy when my ex chose not to keep in contact with our daughter. She needed him. She needed to hear that he still loved her, no matter what was going on with us. My ex just stopped participating in being a father, and I don't understand why. He always says that he is too busy, but when do you get so busy that you can't be a parent? Why would a man just quit being a father? I am totally confused at his actions and don't understand where he's coming from.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Tackling Credit Card Issues

While separating, it's difficult enough to have to worry about paying for the credit cards, let alone wondering what to do if you are on the card with your spouse as a co-contributor. I don't know if this is something that all states do or just Texas, but if you are an authorized user on your partner's card, then that means that you are able to charge on it, but not responsible for the payments. If you are a co-owner of the credit card, then you are liable for the payments on it as well. After a divorce, I found that even if my ex was responsible for a payment on a credit card and the divorce said he had to pay it and he didn't, the credit card company would not allow what the divorce said and made me pay it because I was a co-owner as well. When my ex and I split up, I had to go to all of my own credit cards and take his name off of them and put a password on my account to make positively sure that no-one else could get my information. I also had to get a free credit report to find out which cards were reporting his credit information on mine as well so I could get all of his credit cards that I was only authorized to use was taken off. Credit cards can be a pain following a divorce, but it can be taken care of.

Do You Recognize The Signs Of Cheating?

Here are a few signs that I have come to recognize that may be warning signs of something going on that shouldn't be...but by all means, this doesn't always mean that they are cheating.

1. difference in appearance, the way they dress, different cologne, spending more time in front of the mirror, better grooming habits.
2. not coming home when expected, spending more time out alone or with friends, becoming more interested in being somewhere other than home or with you/family.
3. becoming more secretive, hiding cell phone or cell phone bills, credit card bills, receipts, deleting incoming or outgoing phone calls, not being able to be reached, not answering normal questions about their whereabouts like before.
4. noticing your partner getting more calls or email than usual
5. becoming less interested in being with you or doing family things together
6. less sex, less intimacy, or wanting to explore more sexual positions than before
7. discovering lies that they have told you.
8. picking fights so they can get out of the house with a reason when normally they don't leave after a fight.
9. your partner not wearing their wedding ring when they normally do.
10. noticing that your partner is acting differently towards you.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Do I Have A Choice?

Sometimes I wondered if I even had a choice in the matter of my marriage and of what to do about his cheating on me. I felt as though I had to stay in my situation, as hard as it was, because I didn't want the neighbors to talk. I didn't want my family or his to start taking sides and feuding over what was happening in our lives. The true fact of the matter was just that: it was MY life, MY marriage and MY husband who was cheating. Family wasn't supposed to help us make our decisions for us, but it did. I didn't want to lose my in-laws. I didn't want that strain between our families, but no matter what, it happened. I had to make the choices because no-one else could have. They didn't have to put up with my husband coming in whenever he felt like it. They didn't have to live with how badly he treated me. They didn't have to worry about the other woman and the worry about him bringing home disease. I had to finally decide that it was my choice to make, what I did with my future, and my feeling of security. When it's time to make a choice, you are the only one who can make it. After all, it's your life, and your future. How do you want to live it? Life is too short to let others make decisions for you.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Does Going Through Menopause Affect How You Deal With His Cheating?

I don't know what menopause or that peri menopause has to do with anything, maybe nothing at all but when I found out the first time that my husband was cheating, I went totally crazy. At first, I didn't want to believe what I was hearing. I shunned talk about him and what he was seen doing. But after I thought about it, I wanted to find out, and boy did I find out. I was suffering through a bad time in my life, going through a very early menopausal period in life. I look back at it now, and wonder what on earth I was thinking and doing at that time in my life. I found out rather badly, as I have stated in earlier postings, and instead of staying around to confront him, I went home and packed everything I could and just flat took off. I left my own home. Why did I do that so quickly? I wonder if suffering with menopause had anything to do with my actions. I did, of course, come back about 9-10 months later, re-united with him, hoping to work things out, and of course after a couple years of trying, things failed miserably, but I was in a much better frame of mind then. Does going through changes in life affect the way you see and do things in your life?

Monday, July 7, 2008

We're Done, But Now He Wants Me Back

This hasn't just happened once but a couple of times now.....we break up, and he begs me to come back to him, knowing that we haven't worked through any of our issues. He whines about my leaving him alone. He whines about being alone, without his family. We went round and round about this during the whole time he was cheating on me. He knew for a fact that I knew what was going on. He did not want to work things out with me. He only wanted to apologize and sweep things under the rug as if they never happened and we were to go on with our life, not talking about or dealing with what he had done to me, and to our family. I tried, oh boy, did I try, to work things out with him. I wanted counseling. I wanted to trust him but he just didn't want to help "us". Now that I am gone, he wants me back. Why couldn't he have wanted this while I was at home? Did he not think that I would leave? Why would I want to stay with him, knowing that he was with another woman? I loved him so dearly, but he wouldn't try. How can anybody put things back together alone? It takes two.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Having Two Parents To Depend On

I have found that my ex husband no longer wants to help with the responsibilities of raising our daughter. He has left it all up to me. He doesn't want to hear about her grades, what classes she's taking and shows no interest in the up-coming birthday party we are having for her. I really don't think it's fair, but on the other hand, it's kind of nice not to have to argue with him over these issues. My question is this, though: Just because you divorce, does that mean that your partner no longer has to help in the raising of your children? I don't think so because I believe that once a parent, always a parent and he should be helping or at least interested in what's going on in her life. I have always felt that he should be able to call her at any time to hear her voice, see her when she wants to see him and allow him to participate in her school activities. However, this ex of mine has just acted like he has forgotten all those important steps in her life and growing up. Does anybody else have this sort of problem? What ever happened to having both parents for a child to depend on?

Friday, July 4, 2008

Re-Gaining Trust After Infidelity

Will you be able to gain trust back, after youv'e been cheated on? That is a hard question to answer. First of all, to be able to regain your trust back in your partner, you have to be willing and able to work on the relationship together. Both parties must also be willing. Your partner must first of all, be totally up front and honest about the situation. Secondly, you must have patience, and believe me, that's not easy at all. Thirdly, your partner must be open about everything he/she does, and stay true to what they say they are doing. It will take a long time to rebuild that trust, but if they tell you they are going to go somewhere or do something and they do just that, trust will eventually come back. A repetition of truth, over and over again will eventually build back the trust in your relationship.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Do You Blame Yourself For His Cheating?

When I discovered my husband's cheating, I felt so alone....but I knew I wasn't alone. There are many women/men finding out about their partner's cheating every single day. The one thing I knew, was that I really tried my hardest to make things work with us. But honestly, I did have my moments of doubt. After things started to drag out with my questions and with no answers, I started wondering if I was the one who drove him to it. His cheating left me feeling like I was second choice. I felt like my self esteem went right out the window. I examined the angles of everything and soon discovered that it wasn't my fault at all. I did not step out behind him when ever we had problems. It was his choice to cross over the line of what was right and wrong. He is the one who chose to be with another woman. I came to this conclusion after much thought about our marriage and life together. Don't blame yourself for something that your partner cannot control the actions of anyone else.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Finding The Help You Need After Infidelity

What can I do to help myself? I have been married to a man who cheated on me, and now I am on my own, with children. I never wanted to be single. I never wanted to have to go through all the horrible suffering that he has put me through. I never knew that suffering through infidelity was so hard to deal with. He wanted to work things out, and so did I, but he didn't come full circle with me to help us work it all out. He refused our going to a therapist or someone who could talk to us and help. He wouldn't commit to trying to help me get over what he did to me. What can a woman do to get on with life after she's been hurt so badly? I had to find the help for myself. I knew that looking outside the marriage for comfort was NOT the right answer. I chose to find a clergyman to help me, which really helped me sort through some of my questions. I also chose to get help through a forum of others who had gone through the same thing as me. No matter what form of help you choose, you must find a way to get help through such a tragic part in your life and move on. now offers help with people going through infidelity or divorce.

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