How I Made The Decision To Go

I think that after being married to him for over 10 years, discovering his affair and leaving him the first time, I still came back to him after about 9 month of being apart, AND divorcing him. I went back to him and thought that I could try it again, perhaps thinking that the second time around, he would know that I would not tolerate his infidelities. But soon after, I discovered more infidelity on his part. Not only with one woman, but with two, possibly a third. No matter what I did (begging, pleading, crying my eyes out, even blocking out the OW's phone number on his phone) I found that nothing worked. He wanted me to forgive him, once again, and he asked me to sweep it under the rug and just go on. He was not willing to make amends, nor was he willing to give the OW up. After going through this heartbreak all over again, I decided that I had to make a decision of staying and putting up with his cheating ways, or walking out on my own, starting all over again. I looked for support groups for help and I decided to speak to a very old and trusted friend, someone who was a friend of my family, also a pastor. He was unbiased, didn't take sides and pointed out some things to me that I did not see before. The ultimate decision was mine, and after much thought, I felt that I had no choice but to go because things were not getting better. I felt as though the other women were more important to him than us. He was juggling me, our family and the other women, along with his work and it was taking it's toll on me. I asked myself "what do I want in this life"?
"Do I deserve this kind of life"? and "what was I showing my children by staying in a relationship that didn't show me any respect"? For me, this meant alot of soul searching but after answering those questions, I felt that I deserved a whole lot more in life than what he was offering me. Let me also say, I didn't make this decision quickly, nor lightly. I wanted this man, this marriage/relationship and I wanted my family together more than anything else you could imagine.....but it honestly takes two people to make it work and without his help, it was all one-sided. I needed more than that and I finally felt that I deserved more. Loving someone means that you cling to that person and honestly try to work things out, the good things and the bad but he couldn't give me that. I needed someone to love me and be happy with just me, but he showed me by his actions that he needed her too and as much as I tried, he didn't try too...and that's how I made the decision to go.