Trusting After Infidelity

How does someone go about trying to trust in a new relationship after having gone through infidelity with their ex partner? Is it even possible?  Well, in my opinion, yes, it IS possible....but first of all, you shouldn't even think about going into a new relationship until you have gone through the mourning of the one you just got out of. I know that's not always easy because many times our heart wants to love again because we all want to love someone and be loved. I think that going through infidelity with your ex is something that takes time for you to get over. A broken heart has to have time to mend. And after being drug through the mud, so to speak, you have to learn how to get back up and be yourself once again. Things like this take time, and as to how much time, that all depends on you. First of all, you must realize that YOU were not the one who cheated, and YOU did not cause your partner to cheat.....that was a decision that THEY made---not you. You cannot control what another person does....so remember that.  Take time to do things for yourself. Take time for your heart to heal. There really is life on the other side of infidelity. And yes, it IS possible for you to learn to trust someone else again. All it takes is time.

Ladies, We have a Choice...

(image from Pinterest, photographer unknown)  

Marriages, like a garden, take time to grow.

But the harvest is rich unto those who
patiently and tenderly care for the ground.
~ Time-Warp Wife

I go through the same cycle every couple of years. I finally get my hair to the length that I want it and then I start to wonder why I grew it out. It's lifeless, drab and all I ever seem to do is pull it back into a ponytail. I become "The Pony Girl" for about a year until I make the call.

I want volume. I want layers. And I want them today. So I go see Justin at the mall and I tell him that I want big hair--the biggest hair he can pull off. I don't care if I need to add a sun roof to my little red car, I just want volume.

A centimeter is added to my stature, the new facebook photos go up, and I'm thrilled with my hair for a few days, maybe a few weeks...


Then one day I get up, look in the mirror and say to myself. "What in the world have you done, Darlene? Didn't you learn your lesson the first bazillion times you made this mistake? Do you know how long this takes to grow back?"

Finally after forty-six years I realized something. My hair style isn't the problem, I am. For one, I'm not content, and two, when I take the time to wash, blow dry, and style my hair it looks awesome, when I don't put the extra effort in, it looks drab. Period. Long or short I deal with the same scenario every time--I think that a new hair style will make the difference when the change is right at my fingertips. I'm just to lazy to do what it takes.

So it is with many marriages. We may wake up one morning, take a look at our spouse and start to notice that life has gotten a little drab over time. We need proverbial volume in our lives, and we want it today. Unfortunately many marriages end because people get caught up in the cycle of discontentment. Just look at Zsa Zsa Gabor who was married nine times, Liz Taylor married eight times, Larry King married eight times, Linda Wolfe from Indiana married 23 times is looking for 24, and the list goes on...

There's a lot of discontentment in this world.

Take a look at this piece of scripture:

When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation. ~ Matthew 12:43-45

What we learn from this is the difference between a moral transformation and a spiritual one. When we see something in our lives that requires a change, whether it be a bad habit or something as big as a troubled marriage, we need to handle it in a spiritual way. We could eliminate the problem, but that desire for more will only come back again and again unless we fill that space with the contentment that comes to those who walk in the Spirit.

Contentment is vital, but some work is also required to those who seek change. Marriages, like a garden take time to grow, but the harvest is rich unto those who patiently and tenderly care for the ground. 

And so ladies, we have a choice. We can live in discontentment wishing that we had a better marriage, a cleaner house, polite children, and a good meal on the table, or we can put in the extra work that it takes to be a loving wife, a nurturing mother, and a faithful steward of our home.

That's what we can do, but there's so much more that God can do.

Things might not fall into place the way that we want them too. In fact nobody can predict what tomorrow will hold. But I can promise you this. If you pray asking God to work in your situation, and trust Him with your life He will be at work, because godliness with contentment is great gain!

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. ~ 1 Timothy 6:6-8

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

If you'd like to leave a comment, visit Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here

If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife

Day 1 - Bringing a Gift of Love

Image from Google images

The woman who makes a sweet, beautiful home,

filling it with love and prayer and purity,

is doing something better than anything else

her hands could find to do beneath the skies.

― J.R. Miller

While my son is getting some work done to his apartment, he asked if we could watch his bird Abby for a few days. Without hesitation I said yes. I absolutely love this little little Green Cheek Conure and she loves me. One of my favorite things that she does is run up my arm and kiss my cheek. She even does the little kissy noise that goes with it. And when she's not on my arm, she's often saying, "Give me a kiss," from her cage. How cute is that?!

What's not so cute is that Conures have a tendency to bite. She loves to nest in my hair, but the minute she gets a little agitated, she bites the back of my neck, and let me tell you, it hurts!

Because of her tendency to bite, Brendan is the only other person in our family who will hold her. The kids would sooner run from the room screaming than take the chance of getting nipped.

Looking at Abby the other day I was reminded of myself. Hormones have a funny way of bringing out the Jekyll and Hyde in a woman every twenty eight days or so. I could be saying, "Give me a kiss," to my husband one minute and chewing his head off the next. But month after month--year after year, he has loved me through the good times and the bad.

Whether I was nestled up against his cheek or flying out the door, he has patiently stood by me year after year.

While I'm praising God for that gift of love I seek to offer my own. Not just for the sake of my husband, but ultimately for the sake of my Lord. Therefore my love must be based on the wisdom of God's Word, rather than my own passion, desires, or wants.

For the next 31 days I'm hosting 31 Days of Love. Twenty-seven different women (including me) will be here to offer you encouragement and a biblical perspective on marriage. Each daily challenge is designed to encourage you to love the way that God intended according to His wisdom as outlined in scripture.

Are you ready for a challenge? Great--let's go!

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure;

then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy

and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

~ James 3:17, NIV

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

Today's Challenge: Read 1 Corinthians 13 (the love chapter) and jot down some of the thoughts that come to mind such as: What is God's definition of love? What are the characteristics of love? In what areas of "loving" do I stumble the most? What are a few of the steps I can take toward change?

Today's Challenger: Darlene is an ordinary mom, living an extraordinary life, because of who she is through Jesus Christ. As help-meet to her husband Michael, she guides and nurtures their four children, leading them toward a deeper walk of faith. She is a New York Times best-selling author through the book she co-authored with actress Candace Cameron Bure titled, Reshaping it All: Motivation for Physical and Spiritual Fitness. Her writing has also been published in Thomas Nelson’s anthology, Grace Givers, Tyndale Publisher’s Soul Food/Life Savors for Women, A Cup of Comfort (Adam’s Media), and she has published articles through many magazines. She is your host through "31 Days to Love" and blogs here at Time-Warp Wife.

Find Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here

If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife

Setting the Stage for Their Future

I attended a wedding once where the groomsmen wore white and the bridesmaids dressed in black. Not your standard black dresses, but rather floor-length svelte dresses with long black gloves. Every detail of that wedding was breathtaking including the way that the meals were served. The waiters marched through with sparklers on trays held high in the air--evidence that this wedding was something to celebrate.

They set the stage for one of the biggest days of their lives.

A few years ago, my children attended “Avalanche Ranch” at a small church nearby. The Old-West theme was echoed throughout the church, including a store-front prop that someone had made especially for the event complete with a front deck. The woman in charge of decorating was incredibly talented, and this wasn’t her first rodeo. I had the privilege of seeing her work on a few other occasions where each and every time I was blown away by her talent.

I love how she set the stage for that week. The minute that my kids walked in the door I knew that they wanted to be there. I wanted to be there too!

Being a mom who's in the trenches of raising her children, I think about the various ways that I'm setting the stage for their future. Is my lifestyle a positive reflection of my faith? Do I draw them to Christ?

Knowing that so much of their attitude is a reflection of mine, I have to check and recheck my mood as we move through each day:

• What is my attitude about rising early?
• Am I reaching my hand out to the poor?
• Do I enjoy my role as a homemaker?
• Is the relationship I have with my husband one to be desired?
• Do they know that I love them dearly?
• Do they see my love for God above anything else?

If you don't know the answer to these questions, ask them! It makes for great conversation and by finding out the way that they view your role as a parent, you may discover areas in which you lack joy.

The other day my son's friend was over and about an hour into his visit he said to me, "You must really love God!" That made my day. It also made my day when my daughter recently accused me of flirting with my husband. Guilty.

Consider this:
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." ~ John 13:35, NIV

Loving others means that we will be patient, kind, and humble. Whether we are standing in line at the grocery store, stuck in a long line of traffic or doing dishes at the kitchen sink--our attitude is setting the stage for their future. Choose well.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

If you'd like to leave a comment, visit Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here

If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife

When the Man you Love is Unkind

I often write about biblical submission, and by the tone of your feedback, I can’t help but notice that most of your husbands are attentive, sensitive and kind men like mine. Praise God!

But at the same time I understand what a sacrifice and struggle it is for women who are living with men that ignore them, disrespect them, and show little care for them. I’ve experienced it first hand and I’ve seen it taking place in other marriages.

I remember going for dinner at a friend’s house one evening. We were sitting around the table having tea while she finished preparing the meal. I suppose that some cheese or a little grease dripped onto an element—whatever happened was enough to set off both the smoke alarm and her husband’s temper.

Standing on a chair trying to remove the batteries he held back nothing to convey his frustration. “What kind of a cook are you?!” was one of a few insults he threw her way that evening.

And while he grumbled and complained, I couldn’t help but feel the heat that rose in her cheeks and sense the pounding of her tender heart.

Before I go any further I want to point out that the purpose of this post is to address the issue of an unkind husband--not one that is habitually abusive. I’ve been in a situation where my face was held down to the kitchen floor while I was ordered to lick it clean. With that in mind, I want to be sensitive to the difference between someone being abused and husbands that are unkind and uncaring. It is not my intention to minimize the serious issue of abuse, and as I’ve pointed out in a previous post, “submission isn’t permission” to abuse.

I’m talking about grumpy, arrogant, selfish and distant husbands. I’m also talking about those husbands who are wonderful for the most part, but have their moments that drive us insane.

What hope do we have? And how does scripture address this issue?

Wisdom can be gleaned from Peter who provides instruction for Christians in their relationships with both unsaved and difficult people.

Live such good lives among the pagans [non-Christians] that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.
~ 1 Peter 2:12, NIV

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.
~ 1 Peter 3:1, NIV

Did you catch that? We’ve read the scriptures that tell us to submit to our husbands, but here Peter is instructing women to be submissive to unbelieving husbands in particular. It’s important to note this because being submissive to someone who is gentle and kind is easy, but being submissive to someone who frustrates you requires patience and sacrifice on your part.

Whether it’s in our home or our workplace, Peter addresses this very issue saying that it is commendable when we bear suffering for the sake of our faith. Why? Because true love is not only patient and kind, it doesn’t get angry when others do it wrong. It bears all things, always hopes and always perseveres (paraphrased from 1 Corinthians 13).

When we love the way God loves we walk by the Spirit in obedience to our faith. That obedience is a gift that we offer our Lord.

For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God.
~ 1 Peter 2:19, NIV

God's love took Him to the cross. Where does your love take you?

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Find Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here

If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife

In participation with:

Learning To Love Life After Going Through Infidelity

I feel as though my life has come around in a circle. When my ex and I first got together, we were so very happy. I thought that there was no other feeling of joy like it. What went wrong? Why don't marriages now-a-days seem to last? And if they do, what are the secrets to making it last? Looking back on my past with him has led me to believe that for some reason, I learned a whole lot from this experience....and yes, I did have to get my heart stomped on and torn apart to learn.  Why is that? Aren't we supposed to find a partner, lover, friend, and be with that one person for the rest of our lives? What is changing that in today's world? I know, so many questions, and not too many answers. Did I have to go through the pain and suffering of my husband's infidelity to find out that sometimes you don't always find the right partner the first time?  Who knows, but all I know is that I am happy once again. Life is NOT about someone else making you happy...it's about finding things to make yourself happy in this life.  You've only got one life, and you must make the most of it. It's not a good thing if you are unhappy all the time. What makes you happy? For me, just living life to the fullest, seeing my children and grandchildren, having my pets, and finding out that you can't always have what you want, only what you need. Love is grand, and so is life.

5 Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

Don’t let your relationship fail. Learn about 5 relationship killers and begin to heal the underlying fears that cause these relationship killers.
As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:



CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER'S PLATE
'Till Death Do Us Part: Love, Marriage, and the Mind of the Killer Spouse
Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS
Shattered Silence: The Untold Story of a Serial Killer's Daughter
All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.

10 Common Lies Told by Women

Why are some relationships more honest than others? Why are some couples more truthful with each other while others like to deceive the partner?
Why are some relationships more honest than others? Why are some couples more truthful with each other while others like to deceive the partner? Nobody deserves to be lied, but there are no doubts that women are telling lies considerably and often. But so men do the same.

If you have trust issues in your relationship, in general, a woman may lie to you. Trust is something that you must build from the beginning of the relationship. Even though, a lot of people say ‘‘white lies'' in order to make others feel better. Some women lie because, as caring creatures they want to spare the feelings of the man they are dating or seeing.

So, here are some common lies told by women that you should know. Someday you might hear them from your partner and it is better to know their real meaning.

1.You're perfect. I love you just the way you are and I wouldn't change a thing about you. Let's be serious; nobody is perfect. At the beginning of a relationship all of them say this because they didn't know you very well but after some time will definitely find something that needs changed. So, if she tells you something like this, don't be too enthusiastic because she finds you perfect just for a couple of days, and after that she will ask you to change.

2.You're right. Every time you are arguing with you're girlfriend usually ends up by telling you that you are right? Maybe this makes you feel proud of you, but you have to know that this is a big lie. She said this just to make you shut up, even if she didn't consider that you're right. She knows that after a while you will see that she was right, and may be waiting for apologize.

3.Nothing is wrong. The most common lie '' I'm fine'' when asked if there is something wrong is the most used by women. You see that she is upset, she is acting strange or doesn't want to talk to you too much and ask her what is the problem she says that everything is fine. They don't want to tell the real truth but they are expecting that men to figure out that something is wrong and those they had a mistake with something.

4.I do love sports honey. Maybe she agrees to stay and watch with you every week at a football game but this doesn't really mean that she like it. She accepts to do this just to show you that she is different from other girls and you have common interest. You may be thinking that you have found the perfect girl for you, because not many of them would like to stay to watch football, but don't be too happy because after a while she might had enough and get angry every time you sit down to watch a game.

5.I like spending time with your friends. At the beginning this is ok, but not too much. Even if they are good friends of you, she would like to spend more time alone with you and not with your friends. If she didn't tell you already this, she will ask you to keep visits from your buddies at minimum and then she might keep pretending she loves them.

6.Your family is adorable, so I like spending time with your family. The truth? Maybe twice a month. Think about it. Do you really think that she likes to spend time with your family where everybody is criticizing her and watch her every move? She agrees to spend time with your family when is necessary but she doesn't do it with much pleasure even if she is pretending in front of you that she likes them.

7.Your bank account doesn't matter. I hope you didn't believe this. We all know that this is definitely a lie. All women want a guy that is financial stable and independent, a guy that can assure her a future with no financial problems. This doesn't mean that you have to be very rich to have a girlfriend, but you have to have some money.

8.It doesn't bother to me if you look after women or go with your boys at strip-clubs. This is too good to be truth. Even she says that this is ok, she will definitely be upset that you want to go. They hate to feel second best to a night out with the guys, and accept this in order to make themselves seem less pathetically needy. If you choose to go, she will make you a lot of comments after, so you better think twice before you go.

9.You are very good in bed. If she choose to speak about this topic without you ask her, you don't have to believe all she says. If she starts to compliment you about your sexual experience it doesn't mean that she really believes that. Often a woman who cares about a man tell him all that she knows he wants to hear just to make him feel good about himself. So think about your girlfriend, your relationship, your sexual experience and see if you really deserve compliments on this topic.

10.Don't worry, it happens to everyone. If you just make a mistake, or fail in bed, you might hear this lie from your girlfriend. She doesn't want to show you how upset she is on you but in her mind thinks something else. I wouldn't be too sure that your mistake is forgiven and I would worry in not making too many '' accidents'' like these.

With all these presented, now will be more easy for you to know when your girlfriend is lying. As you see, what a woman says is not what she really thinks.

Love Means Appreciating the Whole Person

Everybody has faults, and more often than not, their faults are nothing more than the flip side of their positive characteristics. What does this mean in a relationship?
Lisa was furious. She found herself throwing things into her pocketbook and slamming drawers. "What's his problem?" she fumed. "The rent is late again, and all he says is, 'Don't worry, it'll be okay.' I can't take it anymore! Whether the baby runs a high fever or the electric company wants to turn off the electricity because the bill was misplaced and never paid, all he can say is, 'Don't worry. It'll be fine. Calm down.' When I got married, I thought I would have someone to share my burdens with, not ignore them. Doesn't he CARE?!"

Barry was getting frustrated. "Why does every little thing I say set Michelle off crying?" he wondered. "I was just making a joke. Even my sisters never got insulted the way she does. Why does she have to be so sensitive? Almost every discussion we have about anything serious ends up with her crying, and I'm getting sick and tired of always feeling like the bad guy. This is not what I envisioned when we got married. I've had enough of this!"

Both Lisa and Barry seem to have legitimate complaints. Lisa's husband, Mike, just shrugs everything off, and Barry's wife Michelle overreacts to every little comment he makes. When it goes on and on, day after day, both Lisa and Barry begin to feel frustrated in their marriages. And although they haven't said so - even to themselves - deep down, they are both wondering if they really married the right person.

But before letting matters go any further, both Barry and Lisa would be well-advised to turn the clock back to the time when they were still single and searching. Let's do it for them, and see what we find:

Lisa was always a somewhat nervous type. Throughout school, she would suffer from headaches whenever she had an exam. When her friends began to receive replies from colleges before she did, she began to call the admissions office twice a day because she was so nervous that something had happened. Lisa knew that she was way too anxious about everything, but couldn't seem to control this aspect of her personality.

When Lisa met Mike, she was struck by how immediately relaxed she felt in his presence. His calm, easygoing, stress-free personality set her at ease, and she found herself enjoying his company more and more. When they got engaged, she knew that with Mike at her side she would always feel secure that things would work out.

Although Barry loved his parents dearly, he knew that he wanted his home to be somewhat different than the one in which he grew up. For some reason, it always seemed that his mother was not quite in tune with his father. As Barry matured, he realized that while his mother was talented in many areas, she lacked sensitivity. As Barry started to think about marriage, he knew that this quality was high up in his list of priorities. When he met Michelle, the first quality that he noticed was her incredible sensitivity. She seemed to know just what to say to everybody at just the right time. The more Barry got to know Michelle, the more he admired that quality of hers. And when they got engaged, he knew that in Michelle he had found someone who would truly be his partner, with whom he could always share his feelings with and know that she would understand.

So what went wrong?

Nothing.

Yes, nothing. Both Lisa and Barry got exactly what they wanted. But there was one small rule that no one told them about. It's a rule that could change their lives, and maybe yours, too:

When you look at a person you have to realize that both what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy are two sides of the same coin.

That bears repeating:

What you enjoy and what you don't enjoy are two sides of the same coin.

It's a cliche but it's true: No one is perfect. Everybody has faults, and more often than not, their faults are nothing more than the flip side of their positive characteristics. That means that some people who tend to be relaxed, calm and stress-free might not be overly concerned about issues that are truly serious and demand attention. And that people who are extremely sensitive to others might be very sensitive themselves, and need to be treated accordingly.

In every relationship - but especially in marriage - it is crucial to learn how to appreciate the whole person, and to accept the fact that those qualities that you admire most in your spouse might have other aspects to them that may not be to your liking, and may require some adjustments. The best adjustment you can make is to refocus your viewing lens.

For Lisa, that means focusing on Mike's amazing ability to calm her down and keep her balanced, rather than on those situations in which his easygoing nature seems to be a drawback. For Barry, it means concentrating on Michelle's incredible sensitivity to his feelings while accepting the fact that her own feelings may be fragile and to weigh his words carefully. Mike and Michelle are not off the hook either. If Lisa gets upset, Mike can remind himself of that thanks to her they have electricity; Michelle should tell herself that Barry is used to joking, and that if he hurts her feelings it is more than likely unintentional. If each spouse shows the other how much they appreciate him or her as a whole person, they will have imbued their marriages with a staying power that is second to none.

The Power of Unfailing Love

I received a letter from a reader today that's incredibly inspiring. It illustrates the beauty of humility and grace, and the power of unfailing love...

Dear Darlene,

Just a quick note to tell you how much I got from your recent post on unity in marriage.

I loved how you described the actual meaning of argument - the need to shine. What a wonderful perspective and how true.

I was just talking about humility and grace in marriage with my dad. He drives me to work sometimes, if he has to visit a job in the downtown area where I work, and we have great conversations. He and my mother were separated for 4 years - they got back together almost two years ago. My mom was the one that left and he just waited patiently, hoping and praying that she would return to him. She did. He forgave her. They worked through their issues. My dad, during their separation, never said a word against my mother, even though, in most people's eyes, she would have deserved it.

My brothers and I went to dinner with him one night and asked him if he thought about dating. His best friend wanted to introduce him to a nice single woman from his church, and my brothers and I thought it might be nice for my dad to get out. My brother said, "Dad, it's been years. Mom moved out. She's not coming back. It's time."

I'll never forget his reaction. He looked up and studied all three of us calmly.

"Kids, I'm married. My wife is your mother. That's it."

He said he'd promised God and he had no intention of breaking that promise no matter what my mom's behavior was. He said she'd have to physically bring him a pen and leave him no choice but to sign divorce papers if that was what she wanted, but he didn't want that and he wouldn't help to move it along in any way.

No one thought she'd come back, and no one thought he'd be able to forgive her if she did. But she came back. They worked on their relationship for a year before they told us. They'd never officially divorced. My dad said he prayed every day that God would do a miracle and he had every reason to expect that he'd grant that request. He said he'd do the best he could until the miracle happened.

He told me during our conversation a few days ago that he loved her more now than before. She has said the same thing to me. It gives me such joy, because it is truly an example of how waiting through the pain is WORTH IT.

To a lesser degree, I've had to wait through some tough times in my own marriage. If I would have left, I would have missed the deeper level of love waiting for me. I get to come home every day to a man I love so much it makes my heart almost hurt. The muscle is stretched from love. I really think that God makes it that way for us - strengthens our love muscles so that they don't atrophy, ever. They're made to stay strong for each other forever, if we wait past the pain of growth that comes sometimes.

My parents are now telling their story, which I think is brave of my mom. It's so important to share our stories, so we can carry each other's burdens, and know we aren't alone.

Sincerely,

Proud of My Parents



Pure love is a rising of the sun upon a soul.
Its warmth is never ceasing, its beauty never dying,
its cycle--a never ending ring of hope.
With the dawn of each new day, love remains.
~Time-Warp Wife




Find Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here

If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife

In participation with:

10 Ways to Love Your Husband

After living with a man for 5, 10, or 25 years you get used to each other’s habits. You might also get used to hearing the words, "I love you." They are three of the most beautiful words in the English language, but even more beautiful than that is our language of love.

Words have their place in a relationship, but living out those words can move a relationship from dull to dynamic, when we truly seek to give our husbands love from the heart.

I challenge you to love your husband this week. Go an extra mile to show him you care; whisper words of sweet nothing in the small things you do.

With possibilities that are endless, I offer you ten ways to love your husband:

click to view larger image

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Find Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here

If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife

Looking for a speaker for your conference or women's group? Click here

A Hope That Holds No Expectation

Dear Darlene,

I just found your site and blog and can't tell you how thankful I am!

I am having serious marriage troubles and have been double minded for a long while, never being able to decide whether to keep silent or discuss issues. I live in a house that is [falling] apart and I can't seem to help from commenting on my desire for him to get things done. I think your writings are really convincing me that I am making things worse by my comments, but where is the place for feedback? In other words, when must I keep quiet and when can I say, "I can't live with this house in complete disrepair anymore, etc?"

I bounce back and forth between believing I can speak honestly to him and believing that will only make it worse. I need to give him to God.

Thank you for your help and encouragement,

Double Minded



Dear Double Minded,

Thank you for your letter. I’m so blessed that you are seeking God’s way for your marriage. Communication is important to both men and women. We don’t always see it that way because men communicate differently. Many women say that their husbands won’t talk to them, but if you stop to watch the way he expresses himself, after a while you’ll become more familiar with his method of communication.

It could be any one of several reasons why your husband doesn’t tend to duties around the house. I could guess, and guess again, but without knowing him and your particular situation I would probably be off the mark.

So the best thing that I can suggest is to keep those lines of communication open. If it’s a matter of resentment, overwork, a sense of failure, stress, or distraction, he might finally come out and say it, but not until he trusts you deeply with his heart.

You said that you weren’t able to decide whether to “keep silent or discuss issues.”My answer to that would be to approach him with your requests, but do so in love.

The Bible warns women about nagging, which tells us that this isn’t anything new. Women have been nagging their husbands for thousands of years, but through the Word, God shows us that there is a better way to communicate. We should approach our husbands with love and humility—a hope that holds no expectation. And above all, be kind, tenderhearted and willing to forgive. That’s how you’ll win his heart.

Looking to the Bible we see a prime example in Esther who approached the king (her husband) with honor and respect. She made her petition known and left it in his hands to make the decision.

Another example we see is Jesus who lived in submission to the Father in Heaven. Praying in the garden of Gethsemane He said, “Not my will, but thine be done.”

Biblical submission doesn’t mean that we don’t have a voice or opinion. If we stifle our pain and our hurt we may grow to resent the men we once loved. When bitterness sets in, it takes root and will grow over time unless it is removed and replaced with something better. Be encouraged to share your thoughts, but hold back on the resentment if things don’t go your way. Because, don’t forget, God is control and can change things at anytime. Just do your part and let God handle the rest.


Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger,
and clamour, and evil speaking, be put
away from you, with all malice: And be
ye kind one to another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, even as God for
Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
~ Ephesians 4:31-32, KJV


You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Find Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here

If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife

His Amazing Love Language

Valentine's Day is not for saying "I love you."
It's for saying, "I love us."
~ Hallmark


Yesterday my husband surprised me with an arrangement of flowers (Gerber Daisies, my favorite!) But the truth is that Michael isn't really the flowery type. In fact I'd probably be able to count on one hand the number of times he's brought me flowers since we've been married. That's just not his way of saying I love you.

Michael definitely has a knack for showing affection, don't get me wrong. But he's more likely to bring home a bouquet of iPhones than a bouquet of roses--that's just his way.

There isn't a day that goes by where he doesn't show me and tell me how much he cares in a number of ways. It might be the way that he holds me close when we kiss by the sink, it might be in the love offering of ice cream with rich chocolate sauce, or it might be found in the quiet moment he takes out of his day to have "us" time--every word and action speaks his language of love.

So with that, I've decided to make a list of some of the ways he's whispered "I love you" this past week:

1. He brought me ice cream with caramel and chocolate sauce.
2. He dealt with a problem at school so that I didn't have to.
3. He made the children lunches on the morning that I was exhausted.
4. He played a game of Settlers with the kids so I could have time for my Ruth Bible Study.
5. He worked late on Wednesday night to provide for our family.
6. He called me just to say hello.
7. He bought me a dark chocolate bar with nuts on his way home.
8. He sat through an episode of Joy Behar so I could watch Candace Cameron Bure. (huge sacrifice for him--LOL!)
9. He took time out of his busy day to read my blog and encourage me.
10. He went to my parents house with me and, as always, embraces my family as his own.

Have a wonderful week, a wonderful Valentine's Day, and celebrate the love that you have!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply enter your email in the top left hand sidebar.

I Choose to Serve

Dear Darlene,

Thank you so much for your post [Love and Let Go] today. The Lord has used you in a tremendous way to speak to my heart. I am currently going through some difficult times with my husband. Your words have reminded me that I am to inspire not to control.

Today, I exercise my freedom to choose. I will choose to love and let go rather than push and shove. I choose to let his choice be his choice. I choose to serve.

Thank you again for blessing me today!

Growing in grace,

"Choosing to Serve"

P.S. I have printed out a copy of that article and am going to hang it in my closet as a daily reminder!



Dear Choosing to Serve,

Thank you so much for your letter. I appreciate your encouragement and cherish your fellowship.

There was so much to say on this topic. While I didn't want to run on with my words in that blog post, it really got me thinking about particular circumstances in my relationship where I've had to put my choices aside to respect his.

For example, every time we leave the mall (and we live five minutes away) my husband drives in the opposite direction and takes the long road home. It drives me crazy, and I have such a hard time biting my tongue because I just want to get home.

He has a friend who smells really bad and most would consider “different.” I mean this guy stands at the bus stop and yells, "Your gall-darn mother!" into thin air--repeatedly. If he comes over I can smell him the minute I open the front door, even if he's at the other end of the house, but my husband loves him. He grew up with him, and this guy is like an uncle to him. We've bought him some things, like a TV and a bicycle to help him out but he always lands up giving these things away to his barber.

Another thing my husband has done in the past (but he's respectfully improved) was eat cold cereal for dinner on days when I've cooked an awesome chicken dinner, made spaghetti, or meatloaf. He would say, "Would you mind if I just had cereal?"

I'd say I don't mind, and then I'd pout and give him the silent treatment, assuming that men "get" what the silent treatment means. Most of the time they don't. Girlfriends do of course because we're mind readers, but that's a whole other story. LOL!

I've had to come to accept his idiosyncrasies including his choice of friends, how much time he spends in the bathroom, what route he likes to take home, and the fact that he falls asleep during 90% of the movies we watch. And the truth is I've also come to see the beauty behind many of his choices.

The only real way we can live in harmony is by realizing that while we are one in unity, we are separate human beings with a separate set of emotions, reactions, and passions. We were raised by different parents, teased by different children, and influenced by different mentors over the course of our lives.

The choices he makes result in the consequences he deals with. I'm created to be his helper, which means that I also want to be his cheerleader, not his instructor, his mother, his coach or his teacher. I’m his wife.

I’m blessed to see women like you who are willing to joyfully serve, even if that means biting your tongue once in a while or letting his choices override yours.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Why no comments? Find out here.

In participation with:



Click to share on Facebook:


Share

How to Really Write a Love Letter

I'm entirely blessed to introduce my guest writer to you today: Ann Voskamp, the author of One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are (Zondervan), blogger at A Holy Experience, and cherished friend. I met Ann online about five years ago, but hadn't have the privilege of meeting her in person until a few years later. While Ann and I shared a bedroom way down in Seattle Washington--she on the floor, me on the comfortable bed (Ann insisted upon it)--there was no doubt that God was present in that room. Every night Ann would pull out her tattered Bible, turn the worn out pages and soak in the scriptures until they were woven as one with her soul. I won't soon forget the holy experience we shared during those nights together.

Ann's a farmer's wife, mama to 6 kids, & author of One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are (Zondervan). Everyday, she takes the wild dare. Right in the midst of her own and gritty grace-filled life. Everyday in the fringe hours, early and late, she blogs about the mess and the grace and the everyday wonder at A Holy Experience.

How to Really Write a Love Letter

When I opened the first letter you ever sent me, I was fifteen and the snow was chest high in that village up in the Quebec mountains where I tried to learn how to ski and speak French and make poutine, all of which I only mangled.

I tore open into your envelope right there at the post office.

I read your lines five times walking the snow piled streets back to the school, my mouth agape, a door swinging wide open in surprise, the bitter blue February burning my lungs.

You had sent me words.

Over twenty years I have kept your shy lines, the years I have kept your sons and your daughters, the years you have kept me.

You don’t write me letters any more, except for notes left on the counter that you are working the dirt down at Mama’s farms or you need me to pick up a bottle of oxytocin at the vet’s.

You feed sows and you plant seeds and you pour cement floors out in the shop on a Thursday and you leave the power trowel to fly in here right when we should already be driving out the lane and you bath up for Shakespeare in Stratford and I howl at you all the way there that we’re going to be late and I wish I’d grow up and shut up but I can’t and you quietly put up. And you never raise your voice and I keep pulling at my neck all nerves, that our “As You Like It” is not going to be as I love it if we are too late and they’ve closed the doors and I say a lot of words and I write a lot of words and we arrive 10 minutes early at the theater and you never say a word. You don’t even like Shakespeare. But you do it for Love.

You spend the whole of your life speaking these silent words with a gravity that keep me in right orbit and your life warms me to life and a Living God.

Today’s the day the typewriter was patented in 1868 and I have pounded out a lot of keys and I have read a lot of typeset and I thank Christopher Sholes of Milwaukee because I have always loved words. You’ve written little and you’ve never bought a book in the whole of your life, but you are the man who gave me the love of The Word and there isn’t enough ink in this world for me to express thanks and I will always love you.

You walk our land and you pull our weeds and you lead our children and your life writes The Word with your blood and your brawn and your bent knee and the best love letters are the ones simply breathed and lived and laid down with a life.

You never stop writing yours.

Tonight’s Midsummer Night’s Eve, known too as St. John’s Eve, that patron saint of beekeepers and this month’s moon is known as the honey-moon and why has ours lasted so many moons? Did you know that Shakespeare’s set his Midsummer Night’s Dream, that play of wandering lovers, on this night and maids used to pick flowers and tuck them under their pillows on this night in hopes of dreams about someday-lovers and I’ve never done that because you are the one who picked me flowers just yesterday and made the dreams I didn’t know I had come true and in that play, Shakespeare wrote, “The course of true love never did run smooth.” Ours hasn’t.

The river has run wild and it has turned and it has twisted but you have held me tight and you have kept me close and you have called it an adventure that is worth the running of the rapids. You have made me brave.

I know you might not believe me but Shakespeare would have liked you. He wrote of you in Act III, Scene II of King Henry the Fifth and you have lived these words and made me know them to be true and I’d now never doubt, that “Men of few words are the best men.”

This is the way you woo me, with a love letter that has a strong back and big thick hands that work the long hours and find mine in the night and and has a heart that keeps its promises and holds its tongue and would die for me and the children we have made and what is there left to say? You use no paper and you write volumes and still waters run deepest.

Love needs few words. It only needs will.

The words that matter most are the ones that we live and you teach me how to write a love letter.

I lay down my pen.

I long to send you words.

© 2010 Ann Voskamp

If you have questions or comments about this post, please visit Ann's website at A Holy Experience.

I know you'll be blessed if you do!

And to order Ann's book, One Thousand Gifts, click on the image to the right to visit Amazon.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Men Are From Mars

Darlene,

I just stumbled across your blog. I am in the middle of [your book] “Reshaping It All,” and I just had a question about a life situation right now.

My husband recently lost his job. He is in the Political field and things in our area took a down turn after this last election.

I am a teacher, and this is my first year back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for two years.

My husband is job hunting but also has his resume out at so many places that he's sort of in a "waiting" stage.

He is home each day, and instead of catching up on laundry, taking care of house repairs, or cleaning out the garage, he is choosing to sit in front of the TV or computer.

I feel myself getting angry and upset at all the things he COULD be doing, and I feel bad about it. I don't know how to act. I'll admit I've made a few snide comments about it, and I want to stop. I want to respond in a respectful way--the way I'm supposed to respond.

Any thoughts? Thanks so much for your help.

Jessica



Jessica,

Thanks for your letter. Glad to hear that you're reading "Reshaping it All!" I hope you like it.

I'm not a psychologist or a trained counselor, so any thoughts that I offer you are only based on my understanding of men from living with four of them!

You mentioned that your husband lost his job and that things took a down turn after the election. I don't know the character of your husband, but in most cases, the loss of a job alone is enough to drain one's emotion. Men were designed to provide for their families and have done so since the beginning of time. That puts a lot of pressure on a man.


Anyone who does not provide for their relatives,
and especially for their own household,
has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
~ 1 Timothy 5:8, NIV


I'm not saying that applies to your husband, I'm merely using the verse to illustrate the burden that rests on the shoulders of men.

For many men, losing the ability to provide or facing the loss of a career that they have come to love, is devastating.

When women are upset they typically talk it out. I phone my girlfriend and we analyze every word, every possible scenario, and every emotion I'm feeling until we're talked out. Men react differently. In "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" doctor John Gray tells us that men don't typically talk out their problems, they retreat to their cave and they think.

Here's a quote from page 27:

"When he can't find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain."

My guess is that the mountain of laundry sitting next to your washer isn't the mountain that he's looking to climb. Bottom line is that he might be emotionally drained and relaxing in front of the TV or computer is his way of spending time in the cave.

I would suggest supporting him emotionally the best way you know how. Certainly suggest things that he could do to help you out when you're at work, but at the same time offer him the emotional support that he needs. If he doesn't tend to the work while you're gone, call him to your side when you're at home and ask him to lend a hand.

I agree that the snide comments should stop, because instead of helping they might create a fight or flight mentality. Let's avoid that for the sake of your marriage.


A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
~ Proverbs 15:1, NIV


When approaching him, apply these virtues:

1. Love - Be patient and kind--not rude. Don't demand your own way or get angry when the plan doesn't go your way.
   
   
2. Support - Be there to listen and encourage him with your actions and words. Remind him that you will get through this together.
   
   
3. Respect - Show him that you value and admire the things he has done and the things he is doing. Look for ways to encourage him.

I hope that helps! And I’ll be praying for the both of you tonight.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Click to share on Facebook:Share

The "X" List

My bedroom was a typical 17-year-old’s room: a single bed, vanity dresser, enough make-up to stock a large drugstore, and “Africa” skipping on an old 45. I had my own telephone line, a black and white television, and a full-length mirror that Dad hung on the back of my door to free up some bathroom time for him and my mom.

Scotch taped next to the mirror was a piece of stationery with the words, “Ten Things I Want in A Husband” printed across the top:

1. Christian
2. 5’10” – 6’0”
3. Likes music and singing
4. Blonde or light brown hair
5. Born in 1960-1965
6. Blue eyes
7. Likes the Bible
8. Likes kids
9. Assertive
10. Good sense of humor

As you can see, my list was quite specific, and I prayed over it seven days a week (probably twice on Sundays).

Not included on the list of “Hopes and Dreams” were expectations. The expectation list existed, but I kept it in an entirely different place. It was written on the inside of my heart. The "X List" I’ll call it was compiled by assumptions I had collected over time. Contributing sources to this list had stepped in and out of my life over the years, but each one had left their impression:

• Boys that broke my heart
• Television heart throbs
• My father
• Rock stars with their soothing lyrics
• Athletes
• Comedians
• Friends
• Magazine photos
• Romance novels
• Chick flicks

My ideal man was a work of art sculpted by the mind of a die-hard romantic, and designed by the unrealistic desires I held. My future husband had a lot to live up to.

God gifts men in a number of ways: intelligence, strength, talent, skill, wisdom, courage, sensitivity, humor, financial success, and the list goes on… Men might have one or several of these gifts, but I have yet to meet a man who possesses them all. God didn't create perfect human beings--you, me, our husband's... we're all sinners saved by grace. Every one of us comes complete with flaws that we struggle to overcome.


For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,)
dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present
with me; but how to perform that which is
good I find not.
~ Romans 7:18, KJV


And then there are fruit of the spirit, which are evident in those who walk with the Lord:


But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,
forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self-control. Against such things
there is no law.
~ Galatians 5:22-23, NIV


And yet there isn’t a man alive who lives in the fullness of that Spirit every moment of every day. And there won’t be until we are finished our earthly battle with the flesh. One may for a season or two, but unlike Christ he will eventually fall and disappoint someone in the flesh.

So here we have our expectations of a man in one hand and our husband in the other, who we’ve come to realize isn’t all that we expected. You wanted fun on Friday nights, not sluggish on Saturdays. You wanted courageous, not weak. And you wanted a man who’d walk through the door with a dozen roses after work, but instead you get a dozen reasons why he’s too tired to take you out.

The problem here isn’t our husband, it’s that the level of expectation we hold is outshining his character. When we measure him up against the weight of expectation, we are left with an unbalanced scale.

When we first moved into this house our walls were white. Every room, every wall, and every door was egg shell white. Before long the boys had scuffed up the front entrance, and there were a few hand prints that wanted to stay. The rest of the place looked great, if not for the boot marks that made the entrance look dirty.

I remembered the painters had left a can of white paint in the laundry room, so I decided to give it a quick touch up, but once the paint dried I had an entirely different problem—I now had “white” scuffs on my walls. It looked like I washed a portion of the wall while the rest of the room was dirty. Not good.

Lives are much the same way. They can be the most beautiful shade of white until we compare it with the vibrant white of the "X list." People have scuffs, and people have scratches; that’s the beauty of who they are. Take a look at furniture these days and you’ll see all of the work that goes into making the cupboards, the tables, and chairs look used. There's beauty to be found in character flaws.

Do we excuse his sin? No. I’m not asking you to do that, but I am asking you to look past the human frailty of a man to seek his beauty by removing the weight of expectation we hold. That's how we balance the scale!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

A Greater Love

There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why we try to do it as beautifully as possible.
~ Mother Teresa
I encourage women to change themselves rather than attempting to change their husbands. On the flip side, it's only fair that our husbands change and meet us halfway, isn’t it?

Of course it is, but I'm not talking about “fairness” here, I'm talking about a love that reflects the goodness of God. Could there be any greater love?


But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
~ Romans 5:8, NIV


When a husband doesn’t feel a certain level of love and respect from his family, he may seek out other ways to find it. He may absorb himself in his work thinking that success equals respect, get involved in sports to gain the respect of his peers, or find that respect in another woman who sees him the way he desires to be seen.

When a wife stops fulfilling her husband’s need for respect, the void creates a vacuum that must--and will--be filled by other things. This is why it's so important that our attitude is one of adoration, and that our attitude stays in check.

We can start showing respect by accepting without expecting. Pressure does little more than create resentment and rebellion, while reverence and a good attitude create an atmosphere of trust.

I had a friend once with beautiful children who were a joy to watch. Even the baby was a cheerful little fellow who was content to coo and caw while I puttered around the house. I enjoyed babysitting those kids until I started to feel that my friend was pressuring me anytime I busy and had to say no.

When I sensed the pressure, I declined to test my boundaries, and sure enough the pressure built up. The more evident her pressure became, the more resentful I was, and so I started to decline all the more often. It’s not like I set out to keep score, it was more of a subconscious reaction to the fact that I was feeling unappreciated. Instead of communicating my thoughts, I rebelled with my actions until we both stepped back from the friendship.

That’s the affect that pressure often has. We either live in a constant state of guilt, we give in reluctantly, or we step back. While pressure doesn’t get us anywhere in changing a person, a good example and friendly encouragement goes a long way.

When approaching our husbands we can look to the Biblical example of Esther, a woman who used wisdom and reference when she came to the king with her burden. In Esther chapter five we see that when Esther entered the king's court she didn't burden him with her petition. She showed respect without expectation, and in doing so received her husband's respect in return.

True love is giving without expecting return. It doesn’t keep track of wrong doings. It doesn’t expect perfection, and allows room for fault. It plants gardens where brick walls have once stood. True love is painful and pleasant, while perfect in every way. It’s grace in action.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Click to share on Facebook:Share

The Lord is Near

Dear Darlene,

I have wanted to leave you a comment many times, but have simply been too lazy to send you an e-mail. Today I decided it was high time to thank you. Your blog is such a powerful ministry, and I love the way you gently teach biblical principles about marriage and family to encourage us along the way.

I've been married for almost seven years and my hubby has been struggling with TMJ horribly since right before the birth of our daughter in March of this year. It has taken a big toll on our family, marriage, and on his quality of life. He acts depressed and feels hopeless because he doesn't know what to do about the pain and frustration. We can chug along really well in spite of this, and we truly have a great Godly foundation between us, but we have grown distant without even realizing it and that is what we have been working on over the past couple of months.

I told my hubby that I didn't get married to have a crummy marriage and a miserable life. I got married because God desires to make this an amazing union blessed touched by His hand. I want God's best for us, but we are standing in the way of that by building walls. God is doing a great work in us--slowly, and we are just trying to be patient.

Last night we had a tough, but great talk about our situation, and this morning my hubby gave me a huge hug and told me how much I mean to him, which I haven't gotten in a long time let me tell you! He has been working long hours on his job till nine o’clock every night, which leaves him no time to help or be with us as a family. That is a big reason why I have been feeling frustrated and even bitter at times. I've been working on getting my things done early so when he is off I can give him attention and talk with him.

In just a few days I've noticed him perk up and he has been lending a little hand when he can. He just changed the baby's diaper without being asked and he did it with a smile on His face. What a treat when God allows us the honor of seeing the fruits of our service so promptly! Haha :) God is amazing!

Then I read your blog and felt only that much more encouraged this morning to keep fighting the good fight.

I am not called to be a loving, Godly wife simply when it benefits me. No, quite the contrary, I am called to be that woman when times are hard; to hold us together and to keep us soft before the Lord. Thank you for the reminders and for the scripture to steady us. Onward we press!

Blessings friend,

Casey



Dear Casey,

I love your letter. It's so encouraging to know that while I'm writing to please the Lord, I'm encouraging the hearts of readers like you.

I don't doubt that "chugging along" describes the state of many marriages, including my own, when I'm not putting an effort into our relationship.

A good marriage takes work, just like being fit does. We can't expect to wake up and be in great shape unless we're feeding our body nutritious food, getting enough sleep and doing some form of exercise. In the same way, we can strengthen our marriage by nurturing our relationship and exercising patience.

Among other things, love is patient, gentle and long suffering. When we truly love our husbands the way that God designed us to love, we strengthen that bond.

Lay your burdens at the foot of His throne.

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
~ Philippians 4:5-7

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Click to share on Facebook:Share