My Ex Came Over......

Wow...what a shock to my life...he actually came over to the house. This man has never had much time for anybody else except himself and his other woman, but he  managed to come over yesterday. He came for a very good reason....to see our daughter. Her 18th  birthday passed about 10 days ago and he was finally coming to see her. He was amazed at the beautiful woman that she had become and she was VERY happy to see him. They talked outside and I took a couple of pics for her so she could add to her picture book. He knows that she will be leaving to the Navy in less than a month now and to be honest, although he still has time to come back and see her, he probably won't. He gave her some advice, that I had to translate for her, but it was to" have courage", and to" work really hard at doing her best".  I cried when I went in the house because I didn't want him, nor her to see my tears, but reality just blasted me in my face, screaming out how much I wished that he would have worked really hard for our marriage, or at being a better father than he was. All in all, I was happy that he came to visit her...it meant alot to her, and to me. I am also VERY happy that I am NO longer in a relationship with this man.....it gave me an open-eyed  view of the woman I am today and how far I have come in this journey.

Our Daughter Is Now A Grown Woman

Our darling daughter became an adult this week...and I am so very proud of her. This young lady has really come along way....from the shy, quiet little girl who loved her daddy so much, to a beautiful young woman who is not only confident and outspoken, but certainly not shy anymore.  And yes, she still loves her daddy, but she has had to find out what kind of man he really is, and it was a learning experience that only he could teach her. I have never said a foul word about him, not only because I loved him so much, but because she had to find out who he was for herself. She has come to the conclusion that he is her father, no matter what, but that he just isn't involved in her life like me or the other members of our family are.  She is a very mature person and is very balanced. I have talked to her about seeing both sides of a person, men included. She has grown into such a beautiful person, and I am proud. I only wished that he would have wanted to be more involved in her growing up than he did. What happens to some parents when they divorce? Do they not want to be involved in their children? I wonder if he regrets his actions at all. Or ....maybe, he is still so involved with his other woman, that he hasn't thought about it at all.

Learning To Love Life After Going Through Infidelity

I feel as though my life has come around in a circle. When my ex and I first got together, we were so very happy. I thought that there was no other feeling of joy like it. What went wrong? Why don't marriages now-a-days seem to last? And if they do, what are the secrets to making it last? Looking back on my past with him has led me to believe that for some reason, I learned a whole lot from this experience....and yes, I did have to get my heart stomped on and torn apart to learn.  Why is that? Aren't we supposed to find a partner, lover, friend, and be with that one person for the rest of our lives? What is changing that in today's world? I know, so many questions, and not too many answers. Did I have to go through the pain and suffering of my husband's infidelity to find out that sometimes you don't always find the right partner the first time?  Who knows, but all I know is that I am happy once again. Life is NOT about someone else making you happy...it's about finding things to make yourself happy in this life.  You've only got one life, and you must make the most of it. It's not a good thing if you are unhappy all the time. What makes you happy? For me, just living life to the fullest, seeing my children and grandchildren, having my pets, and finding out that you can't always have what you want, only what you need. Love is grand, and so is life.

Learning How To Walk Through Infidelity

After having gone through such heartache from my ex, I think that alot of how you get through it is by how you deal with the hurt from it. Do you dwell upon your partner's infidelity to the point that it drains you? I can honestly say, I did !  I carried such emotional turmoil with me for such a very long time and now, looking back, I wished that I had been able to get through it more quickly than I did. I believe that timetables for what you get through is different for each of us. I think that I stayed in disbelief for a long time that it made my healing time much longer. After all, I never expected this from my ex. I never saw it coming. I was totally invested in that man, and boy! did he let me down! How do you deal with the pain of infidelity? And if you go through it once with your partner, could you go through it again, and again? My heart was so in love, that I didn't want to face the reality of what he had done to "us". I know that it's never easy to stop thinking about it once it's done, but at some point, you learn to put other things in the place of that hurt. Time has done wonders to heal my soul. I think that I cried more than my fair share and it didn't bring him back to me. Once I figured out that there really WAS life on the other side of my heartache, my tears started drying up. I had to learn how to live without him. I had to learn how to do things on my own. It was hard, but I did it, and I thank my family and friends who helped me to cope through it all. My poor mother (may she now rest in peace) was my rock. She always had a listening ear. She talked me through so much pain. Learning how to be strong was NOT easy. I did it, and so can you! Time lessens the pain. I had to cry all those tears, though, to be able to make it through to the next round. Baby steps, one at a time, was my way of walking through the heartache. Learning that I WAS strong enough to do it was hard, but oh so very true! Believing in yourself, I think, is probably the first step. Take each day, one day at a time.

On Again....Off Again, That Darned Ex Of Mine!

After feeling like something wonderful has been accomplished (him showing up to our daughter's graduation), our daughter started feeling like her dad was showing some interest in her life. Father's Day was yesterday, and I happened to mention to her about calling him to let him know that we had pictures to give him. She did, but I guess he's back to his old ways again....he didn't even answer his phone. He doesn't work on Sundays, and he always leaves his phone on, and basically, with him at all times...so why didn't he answer?  My guess is that he was with his other woman, too busy with whatever, that he just didn't answer. I think at this point, I just want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. I do not feel that I should call and ask him why, nor should I call him today to see what's up. Perhaps this is just one of those times that we need to leave things as they are, and accept that he does what he wants to and when...guess it was good while it lasted...right?

Peace --Finally And Our Daughter's Graduation

I don't know why, but it just seems that alot of things have changed since the last time my ex and I broke up. Time really does heal the heart, for the most part, and there are still those certain things that I will never forget but my life is really happy now. He came to our daughter's graduation with his other woman. I did NOT feel any ill towards her or him because I was so happy that he decided to show up for her. This was something that our daughter really wanted---for him to take time out of his "always too busy" schedule and come see her walk during graduation, a very important moment in her life. To my amazement, I spoke with him just yesterday because now he's wanting pictures, which we can certainly give him, and he is also caught up with his child support. Wow, things have changed so much. Although I love the man from my past, my ex, my daughter's father, I am at peace that he is with his other woman, and I am happy with my life the way it is. Does it go entirely away (that hurt in your heart from the cheating) ? No, I think if I were to dwell on it, I would feel it more, but at this time, it's so much less. It doesn't seem to matter that much anymore and I think that's due to time. I am happy, and that is what matters.

My Ex Actually Showed Up To Our Daughter's Graduation Ceremony!

It was graduation night for my daughter, and my ex had called earlier in the day to find out where the ceremony was going to be held...wait, did this mean he would ACTUALLY show up? When I told him that it was going to be outside in the football field, he started making excuses about how it would just be way to hot for him. Lo, and behold, he showed up...he and his other woman that he had cheated on me with all those years ago. Guess they are still together. He came late, stood out in front of everyone, FINALLY got her attention....and she was happy!  I wanted to cry tears of joy because he decided to come, but held the tears back. My other grown children and families were all with me and they motioned for him to come sit with us, but his other woman didn't want to. My oldest daughter went down to see him so that she could get his picture for our daughter, and he gave her a gift to give her. He was leaving before it finished because the other woman wanted to go home, as it was getting  late. When I took a good look at him, I saw that same ole man that I used to be with, only his hair was all grey. Same bushy hair, and mustache. He was dressed nice, as always. She was nothing spectacular to look at, nor was she pretty by any means.....but HE CAME ! I consider that a miracle, and most importantly, it made my daughter feel special!

Why Did I Snoop Into His Personal Things?

Long ago are the days that I felt like I had to snoop around in his cell phone....as well as some other things I am not so proud of; such as following him in my car to see if he was really going where he said he was, looking in his work van for any and all hidden money, perfume and things I shouldn't have seen, listening to his saved messages and things of that nature.  Should you snoop....or shouldn't you? Huh, a million dollar question.  Well, honestly, to be quite frank, there are MANY who say that you should not do this because if you go looking for something, you just might find it, and you will not always like it.  In my case, I am glad that I did. I am not proud of it, because he should have had my respect, but on the other hand, his actions were changing, and if I had not of snooped, I might have not found out that he was giving his OW's money...money that was supposed to be ours. I was the one who helped him open his self employed business and I took care of most of the business calls, so the OW's should NOT have been leaving him messages that I could have heard  in the first place. Nor should they have been sending love letters to our home when I was the one getting the mail. Those were big signs for me but at that time, I didn't want to SEE them. I didn't want to believe what I was seeing.  And so I snooped.  Let me tell you though, it was hard....long, time consuming and downright EXHAUSTING.  And the closer I got to seeking the truth, the more secretive he became. Did I want to believe he was cheating? Heck no!  I almost wanted to actually catch him WITH her before I would have believed it. Maybe that's why I snooped...but most honestly, if you decide to snoop, you might find something out that you don't want to...and that's the truth. Thank goodness those days are over with....so is it really worth snooping?

And He Decides To Call Me NOW !!!

And here I sit, after my series of how to get over the agony of infidelity, and guess who calls me? Yes, it was the ex-husband, right out of the blue.  I know that he doesn't have a clue about my blog, as he doesn't even know how to operate a computer, and I have never given his name.....he just called to tell me that he wanted to hear my voice because he hadn't heard from me in a while.....WHAT?  What is he thinking? After all this time, he decides to call just to hear the sound of my voice? Maybe he's thinking that if he's nice to me, that I will return, but it's been WAY TOO LONG.  There's no way that I can ever turn around. Life for me is good. I am a very strong person now and I am very happy with my life. I'm sure that he's still with his other woman, and he probably called me while she wasn't around, but it just doesn't work for me. He even asked about our daughter. Wow...wonders never cease, do they?  And just to think, after all he has put me through, I didn't even cry. YAY!

A World Full Of " IFS"

I had to go into the city where my ex moved into with his other woman today. I got dangerously close to "their" house. I haven't seen him in a very long time so I was hoping that I would not run into him. What IF I had seen him? How would I have reacted? I honestly don't think that I would have been too upset, but perhaps if I had seen him WITH her, it might have been a different story. I know that today I am a very strong person for all that he  put me through so I don't think it would have been too much of an issue.  I know that I miss those times when we used to be good together....but I don't miss all the heartbreak and tears that he brought to my life.   Going through infidelity issues with an adulterous partner has got to be one of the hardest things in life. My whole world was blown apart over his needing other women. I honestly thought I would never get through it, but I did. I think that if I had known back then, that I would REALLY be okay after it was all said and done, I would have not held on as long as I did. I would have been able to get out of that mess much sooner. Everyone deals with heartache differently. Knowing that I did the right thing by getting out was the best thing I ever did for myself.  However, some are able to work through it.....wished we could have but he wasn't willing. Both parties must be willing to work at it, and it's super hard, but it CAN be achieved. I think it all depends on the couple. My world of "ifs" stopped the moment that he decided he couldn't give up his other woman. I have moved on....and I am SOOOOO glad that I did.

Almost A Lifetime Away....

As much suffering as I have done, I look back at everything that I have been through. Was my marrying him a mistake? Would it have been any different if we had just stayed a couple without the paperwork? Nobody knows the answer to that and I suppose that guessing would only just stir up the feelings a bit. I have come so far since all the heartache he has put me through, and I know that I am a stronger person now. Our daughter will be an adult later this year, so that will officially cut his ties as far as child support goes....but I sure wished that he had been a better father and been there for her, but it just didn't happen. I feel saddened that he has missed out on a beautiful daughter and knows near to absolutely nothing about her except for his occasional visit. The last time that I spoke with him, he still had the nerve to utter the "I love you" words to me, but those words don't get to me like they used to. Still, all in all, I almost feel like being with him was a lifetime away, but in reality, only a few years. I am happy that I was able to get over such hurt, but there's still a part of me, who will always remember it. Thank goodness for rebuilding and becoming a better person.

Finding The Joy In Life

I look at all the experience I have had in this lifetime and I wonder why I was never able to see what was right in front of me when he was cheating. I mean, I may have seen the signs, but they still hit me like a ton of bricks. Never ever in a million years did I think he would actually cheat on me. I was sooooo in love, and thought that he was too. I think that I have endured so much heartache and pain, along with all the drama that I wonder how did I manage to get through it all....and the wierd thing is..that I made it through. The pain was just so deep, and it took me a very long time to get over it, and over him, but my heart was able to heal. I am at a point in my life that I no longer wish to deal with any drama, unless it's on a tv show or something that cannot touch me. I feel like it took me a very long time to get to this point. Some people just heal differently than others, and I have also found that some people never seem to get past the "getting over it" point. If you are experiencing this, where you just cannot seem to get past it, maybe it's time to "allow" yourself to be done with the hurt and the pain and realize that life is just too short to be unhappy all the time. Give yourself a break from the pain and move on from it, but that's only after you feel like you've grieved long enough. Find yourself once again and try to move on to life's other joys.

Is He Looking Back At His Past?

The child support is late, but it's getting better....he is finally trying to make it up by paying a little extra on this month and the next and I hope that he continues. Our phone conversations are "of no more" these days but I have heard from him twice, to let me know about the extra on the child support.  He always ends his phone calls with an "I love you, doll" but it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. And for me to say that, well, it's a miracle because I NEVER thought I would get over him or get over loving him.....but I have moved on past this and I am doing fine. He called and made plans to come and see his daughter, and as much as she HATED waiting on him for that one long hour, it's only because he has made her wait SOOOO many times being a no-show....but this time, he came. Is is that he is FINALLY starting to see what he messed up? It's been YEARS now and I am wondering if he ever looks back to see what HE could have done to make things better, but then again, maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. I think he is still the same old man, just maybe wishing that he never got caught  cheating.

Fathers And Daughters

My daughter had her 17th birthday several days ago and low and behold! HE called her. Her father actually made the attempt to call her and once again, he told her that he would be over to see her in 30 minutes, and he showed up, for real! I decided to run a few errands before he came because I wanted it to be HER moment, hopefully give them a chance to talk. She called to tell me that he even gave her $30. Wow! I am stunned that he came over! I am also happy for her, because she's been wanting for him to come over when he says he is. I think that perhaps he's feeling a little guilty for not showing up all those past times when he told her he was. He and I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago and he let me know that he is having some health issues, and it's not good, so maybe he is trying to get back some father/daughter time that he has missed all these years. Why did he let all those years go? He has missed out on some wonderful times of her growing up. Do you suppose that he is going to start coming over on a more regular basis now to see her? I hope so.

Moving Right Along

The whole month went by and no child support..... I got brave enough to call him, and much to my suprize!.....he actually answered the phone. He told me that he had sent it on the last day of the month, and I asked him if he realized that it is supposed to be due on the first of the month, and all he could say was that he didn't have any money because he was choosing to work only half days because of the heat. He does some work outside, but he also works inside because he is home repairs but he still feels like working half a day is alright. He also told me that he had been sick and spending some money on his doctor bills. Right then, I knew he was telling the truth because he is a fanatic about his health. He even asked about our daughter--wow--what a shock! I was sad hearing that he has something wrong that they are doing tests to find out what it is, but on the other hand, I am glad that I no longer have to deal with his way of life. Seems that the other woman is doing that now. He called me a term of endearment, but didn't keep telling me that he loved me this time. What a sigh of relief that he no longer thinks that I am going to run back to him like I did last time.

Would I Ever Go Back To My Ex?

Would I ever consider going back to my ex, now that we have been apart for years? The answer to this is a big NO!. Through the past years, I have learned how to deal with him, able to talk to him about our daughter, but after going back to him once and it not working out the second time, I would never ever do it again. The heartbreak of his cheating was almost more than one heart can stand. One thing I have found out about my ex, is that he is not going to change. He wouldn't change for me, or for our family, so he would not be any different the third time around. I know that he is with his other woman, and I also know that he is NOT faithful to her either, but she doesn't seem to care. I don't understand why, but that's just how it is. Honestly, if a man/woman is all talk, but no action, then how could it get better? Seeing is believing, as they say, and he is just one more chapter in my life that has turned the last page. I am so much happier now, and although I do tend to "look" back at my past sometimes, I hope to never re-live it.

Why Wasn't My Ex A Better Father?

Only five years ago, only a young preteen at the time, our daughter sat, and waited. Daddy called her and told her that he would be on his way to pick her up within 1 hour. She was so anxious that even if she had other plans, she would cancel them for a chance to go out with her dad. And so she got ready, and waited patiently. An hour slowly ticked by and still no sight of daddy. She called him and he told her "I will be right there, my baby"....she waited in the chair that sat right by the front door window so she could look out and see him coming down the road in his new, beige toyota wagon. Still after waiting ever so patiently, there's no daddy coming down the street to pick her up. Where was he? Why didn't he call? She picked up the phone and dialed his number, and only got his answering machine. She left messages, she texted him and wondered where he was. After sitting for hours upon hours it seemed like she had waited way too long...and daddy never came. Tears came flowing down and I cried like a baby for her, but didn't want her to see my tears so I had to stay calm. Why did he do this to her? It happened over and over and over again. Then one day, she starting realizing that he was only telling her tales and that he was not going to come. She gave up on him, and is now not even caring whether he calls or comes or not. It has been five years now......, she has grown to know the man that he is, and it's a shame. I wanted so much for her to have her daddy, but he was just too busy. I don't understand how a father could do this to his child. Our daughter is nearly 17 years old now, and growing into such a beautiful young lady. I have always been there for her and she knows how much she is loved....but I will never understand how a father can just dump his daughter, because he is so involved with another woman. I know that her heart will heal one day and she can look back and see that I have always been there for her.......what happened to my ex? I just don't know.

Ramblings About Child Support

I received word that my June's child support came in on the last day of the month....I was sooooo sweating it --that I was not going to get any this month. Of course, it's July now and is barely going to be posting to my account. I don't understand why it's like pulling teeth to get a small amount of child support ON TIME! There have been so many other Dr. visits that I have had to cover, extra stuff for school, and just basic needs that he DOESN'T help with so why is it have to be one of those things that makes me want to just pull all his hair out? I have told him time and time again that the chiropractor visits are cash and not covered by insurance and that I need help and his reply is " at least SHE has insurance, I don't" And that's because he only thinks of himself. What a shame! Was this REALLY the man that I married all those years ago?

What Do You Look For In A Partner?

After divorce, the world just seems to be so big and scarey, especially if you feel like you are in this world alone. Honestly, sometimes the loneliness can get to you but it's also very hard to start looking for someone new. Many folks believe that you should spend some time alone to yourself for a bit, long enough to give your heart some time to repair it's self from the heartache and sadness of losing your partner to infidelity. But what happens when you ARE ready to jump back out into the sea of love again? What do you look for in your next partner? Do you look for someone to re-marry, or do you take it nice and slow and see how things develop? Everyone has a different criteria for how they choose their next mate, but for me, it seems that I would want to find someone who was DIFFERENT than my exhusband because I am too afraid that I would pick someone again, who was just like him....and I don't want that. Do you go for the outward appearance first and then look on the inside later? I don't think that many people look at the heart-side of it first.....most look for someone who is attractive to them first. My mother always had a little saying "being pretty doesn't always mean it's on the outside---you have to be a nice person from the inside as well for it to make a difference". I guess as a younger person, I didn't always see it that way, but now, after experiencing all I have, I am starting to see it her way. What do I look for in my next partner? I am going to look for someone who has a generous and loving heart and someone who doesn't believe in cheating on their spouse. That might be hard to find, but I KNOW they exist.

Waiting Until It's Too Late

Out of the blue, he called me again. I was thinking (as I was hearing him say hello) "oh no! what does he want now"? He started by telling me about a little old lady that was "our" friend, but once we divorced, she became "his" friend, and that's probably only because she thought he was the world's best thing since she lost her husband. This little lady was in her 90's and she loved his company and there were many times while we were married that I found him with her. I knew that he was just visiting her and helping her to fix things in her home, but he proceeded to tell me how she had passed away. But the problem was, he didn't let me know that she has just barely passed but that she had been buried over a week ago. I don't know why he waited so long to tell me, but maybe it was his way of letting me know but when HE wanted me to know. I felt sad because I had known her for many years, but he didn't stop to think and tell me so that I could go and see her for the last time. Maybe it was that way in our marriage, me not knowing things until it was too late. I didn't see the cheating the first time around until it was already too late. Even finding his cheating the second time around was too late because we had already bought a house together. Sometimes I wonder if I had known the warning signs ahead of time, I could have prevented his cheating....but then I honestly think about it and know in my heart that he would have cheated whether I knew the signs of cheating or not. There was nothing I could have done to prevent his behaviour. And as for my dear old friend, I will miss her....that's for sure.