Looking Back At Infidelity

I look back at the hard times that I went through infidelity with my now ex. Times were hard. We were both working and the kids were young. Today I breathe a sigh of relief that the pain and suffering of his cheating is behind me. I will never forget what he did to me, to our family, and to my self esteem....however, I can honestly say that I walked a very long way to get to where I am today. I learned that I do not have to put up with that ever again. I am much more cautious than I used to be. I know WHO I am today and no longer suffer with low self esteem. I no longer have to hear him put me down, say ugly things to me or my friends, and I no longer need to feel unloved. Today, I love MYSELF for who I am, feel stronger for what I have been through, and thank GOD that I have family and friends who love me. Living a life through infidelity has got to be one of the hardest things to have to go through. But you DON'T have to feel as though your partner doesn't love you anymore. You need to sit down and decide if you want to start off new, which means starting all over again....hard but you CAN do it, or....you can work things out with your partner/spouse ...but this means BOTH of you working on it, not just YOU alone. Partnership if for two people..not one alone, or three. But most of all, you must take time in thinking things through before you make any decision.

Learning How To Walk Through Infidelity

After having gone through such heartache from my ex, I think that alot of how you get through it is by how you deal with the hurt from it. Do you dwell upon your partner's infidelity to the point that it drains you? I can honestly say, I did !  I carried such emotional turmoil with me for such a very long time and now, looking back, I wished that I had been able to get through it more quickly than I did. I believe that timetables for what you get through is different for each of us. I think that I stayed in disbelief for a long time that it made my healing time much longer. After all, I never expected this from my ex. I never saw it coming. I was totally invested in that man, and boy! did he let me down! How do you deal with the pain of infidelity? And if you go through it once with your partner, could you go through it again, and again? My heart was so in love, that I didn't want to face the reality of what he had done to "us". I know that it's never easy to stop thinking about it once it's done, but at some point, you learn to put other things in the place of that hurt. Time has done wonders to heal my soul. I think that I cried more than my fair share and it didn't bring him back to me. Once I figured out that there really WAS life on the other side of my heartache, my tears started drying up. I had to learn how to live without him. I had to learn how to do things on my own. It was hard, but I did it, and I thank my family and friends who helped me to cope through it all. My poor mother (may she now rest in peace) was my rock. She always had a listening ear. She talked me through so much pain. Learning how to be strong was NOT easy. I did it, and so can you! Time lessens the pain. I had to cry all those tears, though, to be able to make it through to the next round. Baby steps, one at a time, was my way of walking through the heartache. Learning that I WAS strong enough to do it was hard, but oh so very true! Believing in yourself, I think, is probably the first step. Take each day, one day at a time.

"Marriage"... written by Vicky Gray Deaton, Please read

This post was not written by me, but I saw it and wanted to share it with all of you...it's terribly sad, that's for sure................................................................................................

by Vicky Gray Deaton on Saturday, July 17, 2010 at 9:03pm

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Are You Where You Want To Be In Life?

Are you where you want to be in life? I only ask this because life is so short and I have lost so much of it, going through my ex's cheating. I don't know why I couldn't open my eyes and face what was going on.... I saw it, I heard it, but I just couldn't react, and I think it was if my life was frozen in time. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe all the lies he told me about HER being the one who always called him. Funny thing was, even though he didn't call her, she didn't have a car and the only way that she saw him was because he drove 30 minutes out of his way to see her. He told me that he wasn't doing anything, and that it was all in my imagination. He was so good at his words that I even started doubting myself....but at some point in my life, I got up out of the funk I was in, and started to get stronger. I started to believe in myself and although I wanted all the answers, I never got them. It's been years now, and I still don't have the answers, but they are not important to me anymore. I have discovered that being with him was too much drama. I was tired of trying to catch him with her, tired of checking his phone and tired of him treating me like I was nothing. Where did I want to be in life? I wanted to be first. Once I finally realized that the other woman came first and I didn't, I had to get out of there. Where am I at in life right now? I am so much happier. I have peace. I am finally without drama. And lastly, I am not being cheated on anymore!

Thanksgiving Is Coming And I Will Give Thanks!

Thanksgiving is almost here, so that means another Thanksgiving Dinner without him, but it's okay. I realize that I have brooded over that man for far much longer than I should have. I look back on many Thanksgiving dinners that we had with my family, and even though he was there he really wasn't "there". He went through the motions, ate his food and went into hiding, playing his little tv games on his playstation or deciding that "someone" needed to have an estimate on a job and off he went. I was so blind, and I didn't even realize it back then. I was married, but so alone. Smiling through the holidays and thinking that everything was fine, but I can see it now, it really wasn't.
Gone are those days of feeling alone, going through the motions of being thankful for having him, when all he probably wanted was to be with "her". I wished I would have seen it back then, and I might have been able to let him go much earlier. Love is so blind, that is true. What brings us to the point that we just hold onto something that just isn't there anymore.
I am so much happier now that I am not living with someone who is just playing the game, trying to take advantage of all he can get. I have my new life now, so the turkey and dressing and all the fixings will be enjoyed by all who honestly really care about giving thanks, and not worried about what could have been.....because now it's better.

Loving Yourself

He loved me at one time in his life, and perhaps he still does, but that doesn't matter anymore...what really matters is learning how to love yourself. Did you get married or into a relationship, and soon after came household chores, working and children? If so, you probably have spent more time taking care of everyone and everything else besides yourself. For me, I lost sight of myself due to being so busy with it all, but once I discovered his cheating, I REALLY lost it. I was hurt so bad that I wondered what was wrong with me. I couldn't understand why or what had happened and I started doubting myself and all that I thought was me. Sometimes being sad about marital problems can lead into depression. This is a critial time because you really don't want to be sad and depressed to the point that it affects your life. I felt so all alone, when I found out about his infidelities. I wallowed, I cried and then I decided to get some sort of support. There are many support systems out there. Once I found my strength, I started finding things that I could do for myself. I needed to love myself even if he didn't. I needed to take care of me. I not only needed that, but wanted and deserved it as well. Find time to take care of you and love yourself, even if he doesn't. There really IS life after infidelity. Here are a few sites that I have found online that are supposed to be helpful and supportive.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/support-group
http://infidelitysupport.com/forum/
http://divorce350.com

How I Made The Decision To Go

I think that after being married to him for over 10 years, discovering his affair and leaving him the first time, I still came back to him after about 9 month of being apart, AND divorcing him. I went back to him and thought that I could try it again, perhaps thinking that the second time around, he would know that I would not tolerate his infidelities. But soon after, I discovered more infidelity on his part. Not only with one woman, but with two, possibly a third. No matter what I did (begging, pleading, crying my eyes out, even blocking out the OW's phone number on his phone) I found that nothing worked. He wanted me to forgive him, once again, and he asked me to sweep it under the rug and just go on. He was not willing to make amends, nor was he willing to give the OW up. After going through this heartbreak all over again, I decided that I had to make a decision of staying and putting up with his cheating ways, or walking out on my own, starting all over again. I looked for support groups for help and I decided to speak to a very old and trusted friend, someone who was a friend of my family, also a pastor. He was unbiased, didn't take sides and pointed out some things to me that I did not see before. The ultimate decision was mine, and after much thought, I felt that I had no choice but to go because things were not getting better. I felt as though the other women were more important to him than us. He was juggling me, our family and the other women, along with his work and it was taking it's toll on me. I asked myself "what do I want in this life"?
"Do I deserve this kind of life"? and "what was I showing my children by staying in a relationship that didn't show me any respect"? For me, this meant alot of soul searching but after answering those questions, I felt that I deserved a whole lot more in life than what he was offering me. Let me also say, I didn't make this decision quickly, nor lightly. I wanted this man, this marriage/relationship and I wanted my family together more than anything else you could imagine.....but it honestly takes two people to make it work and without his help, it was all one-sided. I needed more than that and I finally felt that I deserved more. Loving someone means that you cling to that person and honestly try to work things out, the good things and the bad but he couldn't give me that. I needed someone to love me and be happy with just me, but he showed me by his actions that he needed her too and as much as I tried, he didn't try too...and that's how I made the decision to go.

What Is The Next Step In Getting Over Being Cheated On?

Well, if you read my last post, you will see that I listed 2 important steps to help get you started. I think that once you can honestly feel like you can get past the feeling that maybe you did something wrong, and believing you cannot control your partner's actions, the next thing would be to figure out what should happen next. Now, there are many different options here and you need to know that you do NOT have to make a quick decision on anything right now, unless you are put into that situation where you have no choice. Think things through as to what you are going to do about your partner's cheating. Are you going to tell them you know, or are you going to wait until you have more proof? Are you going to demand answers, sweep it under the rug, or what other options you may have. Think it through, please don't jump before you think. I made that mistake the first time around and left him without any explaination....however, I did go back to him, only to find out that I was better off without him because he broke my heart again and again with his cheating. Make a plan for yourself as to what you think might be in your best interest. Ask yourself, can this marriage be saved, or would I be better off divorced? Only you can answer this and this is something that should be thought through carefully, especially if there are children involved.

Why Do We Wait, Wish and Wonder?

I went through this pain and suffering way too long....and why did I allow myself to be put through it so long? I honestly loved this man, with a love that was so deep, passionate and felt like he was my soulmate and that we would be together forever. Why wouldn't I feel this way? He was a hard working man, kept himself clean, and was very giving...let's not even mention the fact that he was very handsome above all else. We were so much alike in many ways but yet so different. We were drawn to each other and for a long time, it was nice. What happened to this wonderful man that I married? I will never know, and that's because he changed....yes, he changed without me. I feel as though he was wanting me there to live with him as a family with our daughter, paying bills together, but he was also wanting the other woman, someone that he could "help" with her handy man chores, someone that he felt he connected with. He felt as though he could have us both, but it just doesn't work that way. I put my heart on the line for a long time, waiting to see if he was going to give her up like he said. I waited, I wished and I wondered, but it was just a waste of time for me. He did not live up to his end of the bargain and I was not able to take it any longer. Am I glad that I tried? Yes, but I feel as though I lost alot of life, precious life. Now I can honestly say that I tried and that's why I had to give it up and be done. I am so glad that I did. How about you? Are you in an endless situation, waiting for something good to happen?

I Never Saw His Infidelity Signs In The Beginning

Sometimes when we were together, he would decide to come in from work and go straight to the shower, the right to our room, alone. Did he eat dinner with me and our family? Most of the times, the answer was no. What made our relationship so odd was that we were together in the same house, but we didn't really do anything together. When my friends came over, he would retreat to our room and not come out and socialize. He became strange in some of his habits such as taking 4 and 5 showers a day, wearing 2 and 3 different sprays of cologne, almost to the point of really stinking me out. He did work hard and would come in with the checks he made and post them on the refrigerator for me to deposit and pay his share of the bills but he rarely bought me anything or took me out and paid for it. He suddenly decided at one point in our marriage that he didn't like my cooking and started wanting special foods such as things he used to eat while he lived in Mexico. Why didn't I see all of these changes in him while we were together? Why didn't I happen to see that he was going out on me way before I discovered it?

Why Is He Still Hiding Things From Me?

Here we are, been through the mill and back with his infidelity, and we are no longer together. Now that we don't see each other on a daily basis, there are still times that I have to see him. We have a child together and I see him when I have to. It's funny though because every time I see him, he acts like he's hiding something. To this day, he still hides the fact that there is or ever was "another woman". Why does he feel the need to be sneaky, even after it's over? Is he trying to hide her from me, so I won't go and ask her any questions? Is he just trying to make me believe that I was only imagining her, her phone calls and his visits to her? Did he think that her leaving messages on his cell phone were invisible to my ears? What ever the case, I am not going to obsess about it, after all, if he had wanted to be with me, he would have tried his darndest to work things out.

Losing a Part of Myself

My oldest son came down to visit me yesterday and we had such a great visit. Everyone who met him commented on how much fun he was. He was so full of jokes, laughter and you could really call him the "life of the party". I saw in him how much he was like me and was proud to let everyone know that he took all his silly and goofiness from me. After he left, life settled back down to the normal and as I went in to work this morning, something happened. I then realized that I was no longer the same person that he knew me to be. It hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat in a moment of silence and thought about it to myself. "What has happened to me?" As the tears rolled down my face, I realized that I was no longer the happy-go-lucky gal that I used to be. "Where did I go?" I felt like all the years of unhappiness had taken away ME !!! I sat there wishing that I could have some of ME back again. I don't have the joy that I once felt in life. Could all of the worrying about his infidelity have taken so much from me? To be honest about it, I know now that it did. I feel sad about it. I let this cheating man, whom I loved dearly, squash all of my happiness in life out of me. I let him take away something I had had all of my life, my joy, and that was a part of my personality. I know that getting older also has it's effects on changes in your life, but I lost something that I didn't even realize that I had lost. I shouldn't have let his cheating rob me of ME....... if you are dealing with infidelity in your life, please take care not to lose a big part of yourself. You need to take care of YOU.

Looking Through Our Children's Eyes

Seeing myself torn up over his cheating was bad enough, but how did my children see me? Looking through my children's eyes, they probably saw things a whole lot clearer than I did. Children are very smart and they sense when there's a problem, even if they don't know what the problem is. My son was in high school and he could see that I was going crazy trying to wonder where his dad was all the time. I tried not to show how worried I was about him not coming home early or being here very much but as much as I tried to hide it, he could still see that there were problems. I surely didn't want to alert my children about our troubles, but they knew something wasn't right. My hubby came in and out as he pleased, and he was doing as he pleased. He was showing my children that it was OKAY to treat me like this, but it really was NOT okay. I felt trapped by the fact that I was trying so hard to cover our problems from the kids, yet trying to hang to what I had left of a marriage, which really wasn't much, especially since he had someone else. I felt like on one end, I had to be nice and happy to show my kids that things were ok, but deep down inside, my heart was crying. Looking through children's eyes, they can see when you are sad. Many times, you don't stop to realize that, but they know when mom's not the same as she was. How do you make things ok for the children?

Is There Hope For Infidelity Recovery?

I know that my hearing a different woman's voice on his cell phone message, that this was not any customer by any means. This was another "other woman". It had to be. There was no denying it, although he did, once again. I should have gotten used to his lies, and stories, but I wanted so much to work things out "for the sake of our family". However, what good was he to our family when he was out running around? This was not good situation to be in. I found http://www.squidoo.com/infidelityrecovery/ which seems to be a site that might have some help for those who have gone through this or may be going through it now. No matter how much I wanted to keep my family together, knowing that my man was a cheater was hard for me. How did I keep on hoping for the best?

The Evidence of Private Phone Calls Right In My Face

Why do I have to suffer so much anguish with this man? Private calls were coming in again on his cellular. I got so used to checking his cell phone when he would go and shower. That wasn't a good feeling at all. I hated having to sneak around looking at the calls. It drove me nuts. Why couldn't I have just been able to push it aside in my head and act like things were alright? I wished that I could have turned what they call "a blind eye" to what was going on, but I just couldn't. This wasn't right. And he might have thought that "what I didn't know won't hurt me" but this didn't apply either. How could he think that I wouldn't pick up on these "private calls"? Or when the phone rings and rings 5 or 6 6times in a row, hanging up after so many rings ? Isn't this a warning signal that something is not right? What about the letters? If this wasn't evidence, then what was it?

Questioning our relationship

My real true love was slipping through my fingers. How could this have happened to me? I wanted "us". Why was this intruder known as "the other woman" coming into our lives? More importantly, why couldn't he have expressed what was wrong and come to me, instead of someone else? I would have at least known what was going on in his mind. I would have known what was wrong and tried to fix it, but I didn't even have a clue. This man was such a good man at heart. He helped others, he was courteous and kind, but he often became angry with me. Although he never raised his voice, he soon began saying "ugly" and "horrible" things. Why couldn't he have trusted enough in me, or in our relationship to turn to me and help ME? No, instead, he was "helping" the "other woman" because , well, I just really don't know, but perhaps he felt sorry for her. He should have felt sorry for me, for what he put me through. I so wished that things would have been different, and as hard as I tried, I just couldn't change anything. Don't you sometimes wonder why things happened the way they did?

How Do You Tell The Children Or What?

What do you tell the children? I guess it depends alot on their age and maturity level. I didn't want to tell her ugly things to make her upset. After all, it was HER dad. Kids love their parents no matter what. How did I tell her about her dad's cheating? Well, to be honest, she was not old enough to understand what infidelity was. I had to tell her that her dad and I were not getting along and had some differences, but up until this date, she did not know what cheating was or anything about it. When they are grown up enough to understand, then you have to approach the subject carefully because they do not want to believe the worst in their other parent. I wanted my daughter to still love her dad, even though he not only cheated on me, but on "our " family happiness. Be gentle in your words. Explain things in a way that they might be able to understand, and make sure they know that it's nothing that "THEY" did. Although my daughter is a young teen, and understands more of what happened, she now knows that what he did was wrong, but she still loves him and wants him in her life. I, too, want him involved with our daughter. I understand this oh so well, having gone through my own parent's divorce while being young. No matter how upset or mad you are, please be gentle with your explaining to your children. Keep your grown up problems to yourselves. Children are precious and innocent and deserve to believe the best in both of their parents.

What about "Us"?

With the "other woman" becoming more confident of herself, I grew more and more insecure. I don't like feeling like that, but I felt like I was put into a position that I had to defend myself, and everything that I knew about our family being together. Didn't it mean anything to him that we were a family? For me, family is everything. Why couldn't he see that he was putting "us" in jepardy? Didn't he care that I would find out about her calling him again and leave again like I did before? Was this fun and games for him? Oh, I know, perhaps it was challenging for him. He must have thought that living on the edge was entertaining. Geez, I couldn't believe that I was going through this once again !!!

Another Letter From " The Other Woman"

Not only was she calling, she wrote him another letter that told him of undying love, and how she would never give up on him. She told him that I came to her house but she didn't answer the door. Aw!!! She was actually home when I went to her house. She wrote to him as though he was feeling "stuck" with me. What?? I didn't understand. HE was the one who begged and begged me to come back. So why was she stating in her letter for him to just hold on and bear it out because she would NEVER go with another man and she would wait for however long it took for him to come back to her. I couldn't understand what was going on here. Was he feeding her a line too or was he planning on going back to her? She wanted him to try and keep me calm and unsuspecting so he could still be with her. What posesses a man to carry on this way? This was a question I will never have an answer to.

Answers?

Why can't we have a partnership as beautiful as this perfect flower? It has a beautiful blend of colors, just like a partnership/marriage has a blend of our temperments and differences..it has a vibrant color, just like the vibrancy that's supposed to be in a relationship. It is open like we should be with our partner, and it is so lovely. Why does going through infidelity have to be so hard? Why can't we have a more open-ness and talk about things? If there's a problem with our partner, why can't we talk things out to make things better? Why does there have to be another person involved? I seek the answers to these questions.