Why Was This All Necessary?

I sit here and wonder WHY was this all necessary? What was the reason that I had to go through all of this heartache and pain ?  Why did I have to suffer from him hurting me so much? ....the name calling, the lies he told and believed for a very long time, the worry of WHERE he was and the final break-up of my marriage and family. It seems that I can look around and see so many couples who make it through, and some that don't, and then there's just me. I wondered for a very long time if I had anything to do with his cheating.....but I know that I didn't.  I was always there for him, and sometimes think that I gave him way too much of myself.  I see him, right now, with his other woman, and he is also cheating on her...go figure.  That man just can't seem to find happiness within himself. Why did he even want to marry me or have a family with me if he wasn't happy?  Did he honestly try to be faithful?  So many questions, and you know what?  none of them will ever be answered, I know that already.....my question is WHY did I have to go through such pain?  Maybe one day I will find the answer.

A World Full Of " IFS"

I had to go into the city where my ex moved into with his other woman today. I got dangerously close to "their" house. I haven't seen him in a very long time so I was hoping that I would not run into him. What IF I had seen him? How would I have reacted? I honestly don't think that I would have been too upset, but perhaps if I had seen him WITH her, it might have been a different story. I know that today I am a very strong person for all that he  put me through so I don't think it would have been too much of an issue.  I know that I miss those times when we used to be good together....but I don't miss all the heartbreak and tears that he brought to my life.   Going through infidelity issues with an adulterous partner has got to be one of the hardest things in life. My whole world was blown apart over his needing other women. I honestly thought I would never get through it, but I did. I think that if I had known back then, that I would REALLY be okay after it was all said and done, I would have not held on as long as I did. I would have been able to get out of that mess much sooner. Everyone deals with heartache differently. Knowing that I did the right thing by getting out was the best thing I ever did for myself.  However, some are able to work through it.....wished we could have but he wasn't willing. Both parties must be willing to work at it, and it's super hard, but it CAN be achieved. I think it all depends on the couple. My world of "ifs" stopped the moment that he decided he couldn't give up his other woman. I have moved on....and I am SOOOOO glad that I did.

Here Is A Link That Lists 50 Blogs And Resources For Coping With Infidelity

I got up this morning, going through the emails when something caught my attention...an email from a man named Michael who let me know that my blog was included on his  list  of  the top 50 blogs about  infidelity....wow!  I am amazed at all of the sites he found. . I just want to say   "thank you " very much for noticing my blog !  Anyways, without further adieu.....

http://www.mastersinpsychology.net/top-50-blogs-and-resources-for-coping-with-infidelity

Are You Staying With Him For Your Children?

I stayed with my ex for way much longer than I should have, of course, I can say this now....now that I am on the other side of things. Going through infidelity really hits hard, and I can say, it honestly does have an impact on the entire family. My daughter was young and she didn't know what was going on because I held my tears a good portion of the time, and my son was old enough to figure out what was happening because he was a teen. My ex never "yelled" but when he got mad, he would say extremely bad things to me, call me names and said things that are hard to repeat. I tried not confronting him when the kids were home because I didn't want them to hear how he was, however, there were times when HE started in on me, trying to get out of the house by getting me upset, so he got out of the house whenever he wanted. Why did I stay with him? I wanted my family intact. I shouldn't have stayed with him for that reason.....well, and I loved him too so it was hard facing the fact that he had another woman. It was much harder being a family when he honestly didn't want to be there. He wanted to be with her, and that was all he thought about. He was in and out so much that he made it hard to go out as a family. I found out it was heartbreaking for me to stay with him when he didn't want to work things out. Are you staying to keep the family together?

Infidelity and The Holidays

With the holidays here and so much going on, I have found myself so busy with things that I haven't stopped to think about him.....and that's a good thing. My heart still beats hard, thinking about what might have been and the family times we could have been having right now, but I cannot go back. Whenever he does call, which is few and far between these days, he still tells me that he loves me and misses me. I used to let that bother me, almost to the point that I start blaming myself for us not being together, but it was really HIS decision that he wanted the OW and couldn't let her go. I have accepted that now and my life is marching forward.
Cold weather and seeing all the beautiful colored lights everywhere and tons of people shopping all over just seems to make me more excited for a new future.
If you are dealing with infidelity, I hope that you stop long enough to take some time for yourself. Holidays are a very hard time to have to deal with heartache. Take time to do something nice for yourself or if you have children, hold them dear and spend that precious time with them.....holidays can be great, you just have to take the time to enjoy !
I learned a hard lesson years ago about infidelity....... you cannot control what your husband/wife or partner does, you can only control what YOU do about it.

Why Do We Wait, Wish and Wonder?

I went through this pain and suffering way too long....and why did I allow myself to be put through it so long? I honestly loved this man, with a love that was so deep, passionate and felt like he was my soulmate and that we would be together forever. Why wouldn't I feel this way? He was a hard working man, kept himself clean, and was very giving...let's not even mention the fact that he was very handsome above all else. We were so much alike in many ways but yet so different. We were drawn to each other and for a long time, it was nice. What happened to this wonderful man that I married? I will never know, and that's because he changed....yes, he changed without me. I feel as though he was wanting me there to live with him as a family with our daughter, paying bills together, but he was also wanting the other woman, someone that he could "help" with her handy man chores, someone that he felt he connected with. He felt as though he could have us both, but it just doesn't work that way. I put my heart on the line for a long time, waiting to see if he was going to give her up like he said. I waited, I wished and I wondered, but it was just a waste of time for me. He did not live up to his end of the bargain and I was not able to take it any longer. Am I glad that I tried? Yes, but I feel as though I lost alot of life, precious life. Now I can honestly say that I tried and that's why I had to give it up and be done. I am so glad that I did. How about you? Are you in an endless situation, waiting for something good to happen?

Do You Just Supress Your Feelings?

I have found that with time, my feelings about the divorce are not so open and fresh anymore. I don't know if that's because I have  supressed them way inside of myself so that I can't feel them anymore or if it's time that has taken away the bitterness of the whole thing. It's been such a long time that we were together and I no longer worry about him. That is a good thing. There are times when certain circumstances come along that I remember some of the good times, such as hearing a song from when we were together, and then the bad times, when I just so happen to come across a picture of us in our happier times. During those bad memory times, I do tend to let my mind wander back into the past and it's during that time that I sometimes start to feel a really bad rush come to me as though it were just yesterday. Is that because my mind is starting to remember all the things that I hid way back inside of myself from long ago? Or maybe it's just that I have supressed those feelings to the point that they don't ever come out like they used to, unless I have brought them to mind. Do we ever really get over our hurt to the point that when we look back, we aren't upset about some things as though they happened only yesterday? Anybody ever truely get completely over the "bad" memories? I am glad that today I am honestly able to say that I have grown as a woman and am able to say that I am happy it's over...... will my brain ever stop looking back at the bad stuff? I know that I have learned from all of this, and that's a good thing.

Stress, Stress, Stress !!!

Why does life have to be full of stress? It was so stressful learning about his cheating and trying to find out who the other woman was, but now, after it is all over and done, I still find that I am dealing with even more stress. For one, learning how to be a single mother, having to take care of a teen to dealing with even more issues of my ex not wanting to come and see her has knocked my stress factor way over the top. For another issue, I now have to learn how to pay bills on one paycheck and child support, instead of two incomes. A good friend of mine recommended that I set aside a few minutes for myself, ever so often, to take a relaxing bath, or go out and buy myself something special, but honestly, who really has time to do these things when you are working and raising kids? I just have to re-learn how to stop and smell the roses from time to time.

Why Can't I Shut Off My Thinking?

Here I am, working on a new year. I have my plans for working on a "new" me, but I still can't help it---my mind seems to be working overtime. How do you shut your mind off from thinking about all the bad things? I don't like dwelling on it, but it seems to enter my every-day way of life. I might be having a great day when something I see on TV reminds me of what he did to me. Not only did he cheat, he stripped away my trust. Trust is a very important issue in a relationship. How did I let him do that to me? I just want to start off a new year with good things, and here I am letting the old and past come in? How do we shut off thinking about what's happened to us? Perhaps by replacing the old memories with bad? Yes, that might work, but it's still in the back of my mind just setting there until something comes along to spark the memories. When will the pain go away?

A Bird in A Cage

Youv'e all heard the saying that you can't keep a bird in a cage if he doesn't want to stay? Well, this also can be the case in a marriage where one partner doesn't want to be there. With infidelity, sometimes your partner begs forgiveness and wants to stay with you. That is one side of things, however, what if he/she wants to be free? What if they don't want things to work out? Honestly, if they do not want to work things out, you cannot try to keep them, because if you do, you are most likely going to put yourself through alot of heartache and worry. Keeping someone only because you want it to work will not do any good. Both people in the relationship must want to be together for it to truly work out well.

Looking Through Our Children's Eyes

Seeing myself torn up over his cheating was bad enough, but how did my children see me? Looking through my children's eyes, they probably saw things a whole lot clearer than I did. Children are very smart and they sense when there's a problem, even if they don't know what the problem is. My son was in high school and he could see that I was going crazy trying to wonder where his dad was all the time. I tried not to show how worried I was about him not coming home early or being here very much but as much as I tried to hide it, he could still see that there were problems. I surely didn't want to alert my children about our troubles, but they knew something wasn't right. My hubby came in and out as he pleased, and he was doing as he pleased. He was showing my children that it was OKAY to treat me like this, but it really was NOT okay. I felt trapped by the fact that I was trying so hard to cover our problems from the kids, yet trying to hang to what I had left of a marriage, which really wasn't much, especially since he had someone else. I felt like on one end, I had to be nice and happy to show my kids that things were ok, but deep down inside, my heart was crying. Looking through children's eyes, they can see when you are sad. Many times, you don't stop to realize that, but they know when mom's not the same as she was. How do you make things ok for the children?

Different Behavior

Besides being so obvious, he really was acting strange. Yes, it's nice to shower when dirty, but 3 times a day? It was getting past the stage of ridiculous. He was pouring on the cologne each time and I started wondering why this was all necessary. He was a proud man. He was such a hard working man, and most of the time, he preferred working than relaxing. He would come in, and not let me know he was home, unless I just so happened to look out the window and see his van at home and he would stay in the garage, working. It was almost like he was trying to avoid me. But why? He was the one who kept begging me to forgive him. So, why was he acting like he was avoiding me? This was certainly strange behavior on his part for sure.

Dealing with my partner

Now, you are probably asking "why would I only move out of the bedroom and not out of the house?" however, I felt like I had no choice. He was NOT going to move out again especially since this was our second time together, and I couldn't afford to move out on my own. Sure, I made good money, but I had 2 kids to still support, and since we had gotten a divorce back several years ago, he was still obligated to pay child support and I knew that this was not enough to live on, even with my jobs. This was tough as I had to see him daily and at first he thought it was a joke. He would see me and smile really big and tell me hi, and this made matters worse. What do you do with a partner who doesn't acknowledge there's a problem?

Getting Brave

I was getting brave. I got online, I called my dear family friend, who was also a great counselor. He gave me some questions for thought: "what did I want in life? Is this the life I want? Is this my future? What do I want in a relationship?" He made me see that things weren't right. If there's nothing to hide, then you don't hide nothing. So, phone calls shouldn't be coming in marked private. The forum on ivillage also had some very strong support for me as well. This was not the life that I wanted. This was not fair at all. So, what did I do? I moved myself out of our bedroom and into a spare bedroom. And as you can guess, it wasn't easy.