What Is It That I Am Looking For ?

Someone, and a very smart someone, I might add, asked me one time "what is it that you are looking for?"  I was going through infidelity and heartache with my ex at the time. I was hurting so much and didn't really think too much about the question until one day after I got tired of crying my eyes out every day, tired of wondering if he was going to cheat again, and sick of spending every waking moment worrying about if he was with HER or not, that I began to wonder if I could actually answer that question. What was it that I wanted ?  What did I want for my future? And finally, did I WANT to be stuck in that situation forever? No, I wanted answers, but I wasn't getting any. My ex did NOT want to talk about it, nor did he want to answer my questions about it. My ex wanted me to forget about what he had done to me and our family and just "move on".  I started wondering if things would EVER change. After wasting many years of my time, the hopes and dreams of our family coming together once again just wasn't happening. My ex wanted ME to work on our marriage, but he didn't want to contribute to helping me, or us. I then began to ask myself that question...what was I looking for? And I discovered the answer.....I wanted peace...I wanted a partner who would want ME and only me. I wanted fidelity. I wanted honesty, and I wanted to not have to worry over what my future would be. It wasn't until I was able to discover for myself what I wanted, that I was able to start the process of moving on with my life, and with my future. I found that I was growing tired of the time things were taking with only me working on the marriage. It wasn't fair, and he wasn't being fair. I wanted a normal life and I wasn't getting anywhere stuck in the situation with my ex. I had to find my answers, and then I had to figure out what I was going to do to find my peace. Do you know what you want in your future? Do you know what you are looking for?

Chocolate And Infidelity

Sometimes in the middle of dealing with infidelity, we MUST stop and take a little bit of time out for ourselves. There became a time when I was just so tired of dealing with the pain that I didn't think  I would ever come out of it all....but I did.
How does one come out from such hurt and heartache?  It's hard, and it certainly takes time for our heart to mend. Having someone to talk with about what your'e going through also helps tremendously.  Doing something for yourself, starting up a new hobby helps too, oh, and   chocolate !!!  Chocolate can most certainly help in your moment of grief, if just for a few moments. I don't know what it is about that sweet, savory taste, but I have had my moments.
Time, time time !  That is what it takes to get you through this pain. But most of all, remember that you don't have to make a decision overnight. Take the time to think things out.

Another Christmas, Another Year Of Getting Past Infidelity

Here I am, another year of being without my ex.....which means another holiday NOT having to worry about whether he is with his other woman or where he is. Christmas is and has always been a very special holiday for me. I love the traditions and the feel in the air of everyone being nice to each other, doing good deeds for those who are less fortunate and the joy of having family together....it's always been very important to me. When I was with my ex, he didn't seem to want to spend time with family, at least not during the many years that he was cheating on me. He always had other things to do, and of course, I didn't know it at the time, but he was busy with his other women...yes, there were more than one. How did he keep up with more than one, and a wife?  Who knows. But this year, he is spending time with one of his other women because he is now moved in with her. I hope that he is happy, because I AM !  I no longer have to worry about sharing him with another woman. I no longer have to be sad that he has other things to do when I am wanting to do family things during the holidays. I no longer have to wonder how much he spent on "her"..... I am very lucky to have found myself again and can actually spend this Christmas with MY family and enjoy every minute of it.

Time Lessens The Pain

It has been a little while since I wrote in my blog, not because I haven't wanted to, but it seems that life just finds so much for me to do these days. I am not abandoning my blog, but trying to rebuild my life, and all is well. I never ever would have thought that while going through the pain of infidelity, that one day I would feel less pain than I did during those horrible years in my life, but honestly, time really does lessen the pain.  I haven't forgotten about what he put me through, nor do I ever think I will forget about it, but during the time you are experiencing the hurt inside your very heart and soul, you cry and wonder "why"  and you have that nagging question of why did it have to happen to you...why didn't he/she love you enough to stay true to you.  I have never found the answer to that question.  Maybe some people truly do find the answers, but I never did. However, after all the time of crying, questions and wondering if I will ever get over it, I finally started by putting one foot in front of the other....and that takes time. It takes willpower too. It took me so much time that I began each day with something new. Making a new day for me...a new week, a new month and a new year.  With each little step I took, I found myself replacing new habits and likes for old habits and such. I replaced some of those bad days with new memories, new thoughts and new surroundings. Time has not healed my memories, but time has rebuilt my thoughts and dreams....Life really does and CAN get better, one day at a time. Slowly but surely.

How I Got Over The Agony Of Infidelity.....part 5

Things in my life were crummy, and I didn't feel good most of the time, but I felt like I had to do something to change things..and he wasn't helping any. He would go through periods of time where he would be gone alot, to staying at home. I think he was trying to work against my mind, curious as to what I was going to do about the whole thing, and I just kept on doing what I had to do to get through the entire mess. As I found a support, I began to feel stronger. I felt more in control of my situation. And at some point after trying to make things right, i finally figured out that his games were never going to end. And by the way, this was our second round of infidelity. I was tired of trying. I had to find a way to live my life without all his drama. I never thought that I would of walked out, but after much consideration, and knowing at that point, that things were not ever going to be back the way they should have been, I moved out. At that time, I had 2 children, a self-employed business, and it was hard....very hard. I got to learn how to do things alone. I learned how to survive. Believe me when I say that it's not easy. But at the same time, I felt peace. My inner being was finally at rest. I missed him but I had to go on with life. Nothing in life is easy...but going through infidelity with someone who doesn't want to change is even harder. This process took me YEARS, not months, so if your'e ever wondering if you will ever get through it, the answer is YES.  You can do this. Some of us decide to work through infidelity with our partners....and it's a good thing if both parties are willing to do the work.  However, if you are the only one interested in making things work, most likely they won't. Think about what your future holds for you. Think about what you want in this life, because life is too short to be unhappy all the time. Be true to yourself and what you believe in. All things are possible but take the time to think things through, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I wish everyone the best and I hope and pray that you don't suffer through YEARS of this like I did.

Almost A Lifetime Away....

As much suffering as I have done, I look back at everything that I have been through. Was my marrying him a mistake? Would it have been any different if we had just stayed a couple without the paperwork? Nobody knows the answer to that and I suppose that guessing would only just stir up the feelings a bit. I have come so far since all the heartache he has put me through, and I know that I am a stronger person now. Our daughter will be an adult later this year, so that will officially cut his ties as far as child support goes....but I sure wished that he had been a better father and been there for her, but it just didn't happen. I feel saddened that he has missed out on a beautiful daughter and knows near to absolutely nothing about her except for his occasional visit. The last time that I spoke with him, he still had the nerve to utter the "I love you" words to me, but those words don't get to me like they used to. Still, all in all, I almost feel like being with him was a lifetime away, but in reality, only a few years. I am happy that I was able to get over such hurt, but there's still a part of me, who will always remember it. Thank goodness for rebuilding and becoming a better person.

Why Do We Always Remember The Good, And Sometimes Forget The Bad?

I look back at my past relationship and for a long time, I wanted it to work so badly, that there were times that he hurt my feelings terribly, and I would eventually go back with him, forgive him and all of a sudden, I was missing the "good" in us and not focusing so much on the "bad". Why do our minds let go of the bad when they cheat on us? Or perhaps it's not our minds, but our hearts that are taking over. I believe that there are many times when our hearts want one thing, and our minds want something totally different. Love can be so hard sometimes. I am very glad that I was strong enough to walk away, especially after having it happen over and over again....it would have never stopped. He was just way too interested in having more than one woman. I look back now and wonder why I put up with it for such a long time.  I know that it had to have been my heart holding on for so long, because my mind knew better, but the heart won out for it seems like forever. Today I am happy and a much stronger woman. Being in love is wonderful, but when you start getting cheated on, your life just seems to fall apart. Onward and Upward for me.....and have I forgotten the bad that he put me through?  No, but it has faded more back into the memory bank and today I am thankful for having been able to finally move on.

Our Daughter Called Her Dad

Just out of the blue today, my daughter told me that she called her dad and he actually answered. I was shocked and happy all in one, that he took the time to answer her call. I was curious, of course, to see why she had called him after all this time has passed, and she told me that she just wanted to know how he was doing. They didn't talk long but she finally had assurance that he was doing alright.
I think that when our children go through infidelity issues with parents, or learn of what's happened, they go through alot of hurt and pain, like we do. When families break apart, they are also torn. They have no idea what went on or why one parent left the other. My daughter never knew why her dad and I broke apart until she was old enough to handle the truth. She saw with her own two eyes how he treated me, but never had the final answer until I felt she could deal with it. That also went hand in hand on when she dates boys for what is acceptable and what isn't. I believe that through all the hurt and heartache he has caused for our family, she eventually came through it....although I still know that she's crushed by his not calling or coming over for such a long time and yet that is another story to tell....but only time will tell if he will start calling her now since she's made the first attempt. I am proud of her for trying...it seems as if she is more adult-like than he ever was.

What Makes Us Want To Work Through Infidelity?

what makes us want to stay in a relationship that's going through infidelity? Nobody wants to be cheated on but yet, we hang on, in desperate hope to somehow make things work. It's not just the love, but it's the family that we cling onto, the months/years that we have invested in our relationship, and the memory of what once was when things were good. That's why I hung on for such a long time. I had hoped that he would come back to his senses and want to keep our family together, but it just wasn't enough. I was grasping at straws when there were none. Are you hanging onto a hopeless relationship? Are you waiting around to see if things get better? I know that feeling of not being able to sleep at night not being able to get all the bad things off your mind and it's so hard to know where to turn to for good help. Do you ever wonder how long it's going to take to make things turn around for the better? The answer to this is in the timing, and how willing both parties of the relationship are to working on it together. Finding someone to confide in and help you by listening is a great help....it was to me, at least. No one should have to deal with the infidelity of a spouse alone.

Looking Into The Future

Oh how wonderful it would be if I could be able to find someone who holds the same things dear that I do. Holding hands I used to think was a thing for younger people, but really, it's not. When we find our true love, holding hands is just something normal and natural. Walking away from my ex husband and seeing who he really was honestly took time. It didn't happen in a day, or even a week. I had to be able to look at my situation from the outside, which is something that I could not do while in the relationship. His infidelity and lying ways was more than I could stand. I deserve to have someone who loves me for me, and someone who respects me enough to be with only me. I am learning more about myself each and every day, and some day, my prince just might come! Never give up.

Infidelity and The Holidays

With the holidays here and so much going on, I have found myself so busy with things that I haven't stopped to think about him.....and that's a good thing. My heart still beats hard, thinking about what might have been and the family times we could have been having right now, but I cannot go back. Whenever he does call, which is few and far between these days, he still tells me that he loves me and misses me. I used to let that bother me, almost to the point that I start blaming myself for us not being together, but it was really HIS decision that he wanted the OW and couldn't let her go. I have accepted that now and my life is marching forward.
Cold weather and seeing all the beautiful colored lights everywhere and tons of people shopping all over just seems to make me more excited for a new future.
If you are dealing with infidelity, I hope that you stop long enough to take some time for yourself. Holidays are a very hard time to have to deal with heartache. Take time to do something nice for yourself or if you have children, hold them dear and spend that precious time with them.....holidays can be great, you just have to take the time to enjoy !
I learned a hard lesson years ago about infidelity....... you cannot control what your husband/wife or partner does, you can only control what YOU do about it.

Sometimes It Takes A Little While To Get Over It All

What a lovely day it is today, not too warm out and the sun is shining brightly......inside I am wanting the joy to come through but for some reason, I feel blue inside. I have been doing sooooo well since he and I parted and went our separate ways but today brings a small piece of rememberance back inside of me...I don't like it nor do I want to dwell on it so I thought that I would write about it so that maybe I can get over it and back on track with my new life. I just want to say here how much that I really wanted our marriage to work out. I wanted our family to be together and I long hoped for that miracle. I remember times when things were good and I thought for just a shining, glimmering moment in life that we were going to be able to work things out. I never wanted to actually give him up to another woman, but I had no choice in the matter because he is the one who made that decision. It was hard for me to learn that I could not make that choice for him. Of all the times that I heard him say " I love you" to me, it wasn't enough to let her go. I have to be stronger than this and let my pain go and learn new ways to make my new life get back on track again. Enough said, I thank you for letting me spill my feelings and I know that things will be alright again for me, I just have to be strong.

Thankyou All So Much For Your Support

Thankyou so very much. Support is something very important in today's world. I could not imagine having to go through this kind of thing without having someone to lean on. I don't know but I have found that some families are very supportive and others are just not. The actuality of this whole process is that YOU are the one that has to live with this, the decisions made and learn how to cope.....not your relatives. Of course, if you have children, you also have to worry about how they are dealing with it, but sometimes relatives can say things that can sway decisions and that's good only sometimes. I had the support of my mother and stepdad, and it was such a blessing for me, because they gave me hope that my future would go on, and honestly, it has. I no longer have my mother because she passed not quite a year ago, and my stepdad was gone before her. I haven't forgotten how much she supported me. Do you have a support system to help you with what you are going through? I hope so. I hope that if you don't, that you know that there are many of us out there who seem to be going through the same thing and it hurts like nothing else in this world, but you will, one day, get up and move on as I am trying to do. If you do not have any support, there are blogs like mine, and there are support groups online as well. Once again, I really do thank all of you who follow me and who offer words of great help.

Loving Yourself

He loved me at one time in his life, and perhaps he still does, but that doesn't matter anymore...what really matters is learning how to love yourself. Did you get married or into a relationship, and soon after came household chores, working and children? If so, you probably have spent more time taking care of everyone and everything else besides yourself. For me, I lost sight of myself due to being so busy with it all, but once I discovered his cheating, I REALLY lost it. I was hurt so bad that I wondered what was wrong with me. I couldn't understand why or what had happened and I started doubting myself and all that I thought was me. Sometimes being sad about marital problems can lead into depression. This is a critial time because you really don't want to be sad and depressed to the point that it affects your life. I felt so all alone, when I found out about his infidelities. I wallowed, I cried and then I decided to get some sort of support. There are many support systems out there. Once I found my strength, I started finding things that I could do for myself. I needed to love myself even if he didn't. I needed to take care of me. I not only needed that, but wanted and deserved it as well. Find time to take care of you and love yourself, even if he doesn't. There really IS life after infidelity. Here are a few sites that I have found online that are supposed to be helpful and supportive.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/support-group
http://infidelitysupport.com/forum/
http://divorce350.com

How I Made The Decision To Go

I think that after being married to him for over 10 years, discovering his affair and leaving him the first time, I still came back to him after about 9 month of being apart, AND divorcing him. I went back to him and thought that I could try it again, perhaps thinking that the second time around, he would know that I would not tolerate his infidelities. But soon after, I discovered more infidelity on his part. Not only with one woman, but with two, possibly a third. No matter what I did (begging, pleading, crying my eyes out, even blocking out the OW's phone number on his phone) I found that nothing worked. He wanted me to forgive him, once again, and he asked me to sweep it under the rug and just go on. He was not willing to make amends, nor was he willing to give the OW up. After going through this heartbreak all over again, I decided that I had to make a decision of staying and putting up with his cheating ways, or walking out on my own, starting all over again. I looked for support groups for help and I decided to speak to a very old and trusted friend, someone who was a friend of my family, also a pastor. He was unbiased, didn't take sides and pointed out some things to me that I did not see before. The ultimate decision was mine, and after much thought, I felt that I had no choice but to go because things were not getting better. I felt as though the other women were more important to him than us. He was juggling me, our family and the other women, along with his work and it was taking it's toll on me. I asked myself "what do I want in this life"?
"Do I deserve this kind of life"? and "what was I showing my children by staying in a relationship that didn't show me any respect"? For me, this meant alot of soul searching but after answering those questions, I felt that I deserved a whole lot more in life than what he was offering me. Let me also say, I didn't make this decision quickly, nor lightly. I wanted this man, this marriage/relationship and I wanted my family together more than anything else you could imagine.....but it honestly takes two people to make it work and without his help, it was all one-sided. I needed more than that and I finally felt that I deserved more. Loving someone means that you cling to that person and honestly try to work things out, the good things and the bad but he couldn't give me that. I needed someone to love me and be happy with just me, but he showed me by his actions that he needed her too and as much as I tried, he didn't try too...and that's how I made the decision to go.

Broken Hearts Are Meant To Be Put Back Together

I truly and honestly believe that broken hearts are meant to be put back together....but that doesn't mean that it has to be put back together by my ex. I am done, done, done. There is no turning back to be with him. I guess that I was put through the test the other day when I saw him. I didn't see him with his other woman, but nonetheless, I came face to face with him. He certainly has grown "old and gray" really fast. I was able to look at him without letting those big brown eyes get to me. I am so proud of myself. I think for me, once he finally admitted that he was going to move back in with his other woman and finally admit that she was not a figment of my imagination, that put everything into perspective for me. No more lies and no more wondering for me. It's done, she's got him now and I am so glad that I am at a closure with this. I had a broken heart over him for such a long time and I know that now that my life has come to an end with him, it's time to heal. Broken hearts ARE meant to heal.

Do You Just Supress Your Feelings?

I have found that with time, my feelings about the divorce are not so open and fresh anymore. I don't know if that's because I have  supressed them way inside of myself so that I can't feel them anymore or if it's time that has taken away the bitterness of the whole thing. It's been such a long time that we were together and I no longer worry about him. That is a good thing. There are times when certain circumstances come along that I remember some of the good times, such as hearing a song from when we were together, and then the bad times, when I just so happen to come across a picture of us in our happier times. During those bad memory times, I do tend to let my mind wander back into the past and it's during that time that I sometimes start to feel a really bad rush come to me as though it were just yesterday. Is that because my mind is starting to remember all the things that I hid way back inside of myself from long ago? Or maybe it's just that I have supressed those feelings to the point that they don't ever come out like they used to, unless I have brought them to mind. Do we ever really get over our hurt to the point that when we look back, we aren't upset about some things as though they happened only yesterday? Anybody ever truely get completely over the "bad" memories? I am glad that today I am honestly able to say that I have grown as a woman and am able to say that I am happy it's over...... will my brain ever stop looking back at the bad stuff? I know that I have learned from all of this, and that's a good thing.

When Did He Show Me His Love?

Living with this man of mine was somewhat of a challenge at times. What did he want from me? Didn't he understand that I had feelings too? He often told me that he would come home when he felt like it and there was nothing that I could do about it. Although we throughly discussed at length how we were going to do things together, we rarely did. He didn't like going to the movies. He didn't like going to eat out together much. This man didn't like going ANYWHERE with me, unless it was going to exchange some sort of tool that he didn't want to deal with himself. So, when we DID go to exchange something for him, he would go to eat out with me kind of as a reward for my helping him. He liked buying things but didn't want to deal with the bills as they came in. I ended up paying all the bills, taking care of kids, cleaning the house, cooking two dinners ( one for me and the kids to eat, and one for him that was different). Heck, we didn't even watch tv with me. All he wanted to do, was go to work, come in the house and isolate himself to his own tv shows or video games or stay in the garage until it was time to go to sleep. Looking back on this strange behavior now, I can honestly see what was going on.....this man showed no interest in being with me, only using what resources I had to give to him. What a shame that I never even saw this behavior as being of someone who had another woman. All I saw at that time, was a man who acted strange and I thought it was due to his culture. What a wasted many years I spent with someone who didn't even show his love.

Could Things Ever Work Out For Us Again?

Oh dear, I don't know if I could ever go through the hurt and pain ever again. His cheating was just too much for me to deal with, especially since I went through this with him twice. After we divorced the first time, it took me nearly 9 months to get back with him, even then I was really horrified by what we went through. I thought the second time around things would be fine. Surely he would have learned his lesson. ..... nope, that was wrong. He only cheated on me double. Now it's been quite awhile since we have broken up and he still would like to have me back. Why does he think it will work out the third time? Doesn't he think that I have any feelings? Does he think that I am able to sweep all this under the rug and just go back to him? I need to keep the distance between us in order for him to get the point that I KNOW I could never go through his cheating again.

Inner Strength

Day by day, I see my inner strength getting stronger, but when will I be over him? How can I get past the infidelity and sorrow that he has caused me? I seem to be fine on a day to day basis, but if I start talking about it, or someone asks me about it, I get all teary-eyed about things and start getting upset. Time has helped but there are times that it feels like this all took place yesterday. When will time heal my wounds for good, and not just on the surface? I was with him for more than 10 years of my life. Was it all a waste of my time? Did I just go through ten whole years of my life with someone who didn't really care about me? I hope not, but there's nothing I can do about it now....those years are long gone, so why aren't the bad memories? How do I make that final peace from within? Will I ever be able to get over the hurt?