A Hope That Holds No Expectation

Dear Darlene,

I just found your site and blog and can't tell you how thankful I am!

I am having serious marriage troubles and have been double minded for a long while, never being able to decide whether to keep silent or discuss issues. I live in a house that is [falling] apart and I can't seem to help from commenting on my desire for him to get things done. I think your writings are really convincing me that I am making things worse by my comments, but where is the place for feedback? In other words, when must I keep quiet and when can I say, "I can't live with this house in complete disrepair anymore, etc?"

I bounce back and forth between believing I can speak honestly to him and believing that will only make it worse. I need to give him to God.

Thank you for your help and encouragement,

Double Minded



Dear Double Minded,

Thank you for your letter. I’m so blessed that you are seeking God’s way for your marriage. Communication is important to both men and women. We don’t always see it that way because men communicate differently. Many women say that their husbands won’t talk to them, but if you stop to watch the way he expresses himself, after a while you’ll become more familiar with his method of communication.

It could be any one of several reasons why your husband doesn’t tend to duties around the house. I could guess, and guess again, but without knowing him and your particular situation I would probably be off the mark.

So the best thing that I can suggest is to keep those lines of communication open. If it’s a matter of resentment, overwork, a sense of failure, stress, or distraction, he might finally come out and say it, but not until he trusts you deeply with his heart.

You said that you weren’t able to decide whether to “keep silent or discuss issues.”My answer to that would be to approach him with your requests, but do so in love.

The Bible warns women about nagging, which tells us that this isn’t anything new. Women have been nagging their husbands for thousands of years, but through the Word, God shows us that there is a better way to communicate. We should approach our husbands with love and humility—a hope that holds no expectation. And above all, be kind, tenderhearted and willing to forgive. That’s how you’ll win his heart.

Looking to the Bible we see a prime example in Esther who approached the king (her husband) with honor and respect. She made her petition known and left it in his hands to make the decision.

Another example we see is Jesus who lived in submission to the Father in Heaven. Praying in the garden of Gethsemane He said, “Not my will, but thine be done.”

Biblical submission doesn’t mean that we don’t have a voice or opinion. If we stifle our pain and our hurt we may grow to resent the men we once loved. When bitterness sets in, it takes root and will grow over time unless it is removed and replaced with something better. Be encouraged to share your thoughts, but hold back on the resentment if things don’t go your way. Because, don’t forget, God is control and can change things at anytime. Just do your part and let God handle the rest.


Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger,
and clamour, and evil speaking, be put
away from you, with all malice: And be
ye kind one to another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, even as God for
Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
~ Ephesians 4:31-32, KJV


You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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Quick to Listen - Slow to Speak

Remember those first few months of your courtship, when as they say “Love was blind?” My husband was perfect in every way. He wasn’t just the most intelligent man I’d ever met--he was also the cutest, the funniest, the most talented, the best dresser....I’m certain that Michael sensed that feeling of love and acceptance which in turn made him feel every bit as masculine and handsome as I believed him to be.

When you experience that kind of love, you feel worthy to receive and give love. In fact I remember a single friend of mine once say to me, “It’s amazing how a man has the power to make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world one day, and with one negative statement like ‘let’s just be friends’ that beautiful feeling is gone.”

This is the kind of spark I encourage you to bring back into your marriage. You hold the power to make your husband feel like the most amazing man in the world--one spark is all it takes to ignite the fire. But in much the same way, a bad attitude and disrespect has the potential to douse any flame you might have.

I've been married for 22 years, but there was a time in my marriage when things had turned sour. My husband was over-focused on work and paid little attention to tending to jobs around the house. Instead of mowing the lawn on a Saturday morning, he’d head off to work. Instead of being home in time for supper he’d stroll in anywhere from 7-9pm. I wasn't an angel either, in fact I don't blame him for wanting to stay at work. I was resentful, gave up on the house, and started to focus on me. So we had two people harboring anger, and as our resentment grew, the wall went up, brick by brick.

Praise God that we finally came to the realization that something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong, and all I wanted to do was run, but Michael loved me enough to stop me. He valued our relationship enough to sit down and talk until every bit of resentment was out in the open. God calls us to a life of righteousness, which is quick to listen and slow to speak. Life is no longer about me; it's about living for the good of my family and ultimately pleasing the Lord.

Like our bodies, a marital infection needs to be treated. Sometimes a wound creates pus that looks nasty, but it’s God’s way of cleaning out the body and fighting bacteria. An abscess is an entirely different thing, it collects puss and resides in a cavity until it is surgically removed.

Couples disagree, they fight, and feelings get hurt. It’s a natural part of any marriage--that's the nasty coming out--but resentments that are left untreated will fester and grow to the point where you have serious problems to solve.

Communication is so important. If you find it difficult to talk to your spouse, write him letters that stem from your love. Apologize for your shortcomings and build up his strengths. Remember that we can’t change another person, but we can always change ourselves.

Changing our heart is the starting place for rebuilding love.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
~ James 1:19-21, NIV

You are loved by an almighty God

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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