I Choose to Serve

Dear Darlene,

Thank you so much for your post [Love and Let Go] today. The Lord has used you in a tremendous way to speak to my heart. I am currently going through some difficult times with my husband. Your words have reminded me that I am to inspire not to control.

Today, I exercise my freedom to choose. I will choose to love and let go rather than push and shove. I choose to let his choice be his choice. I choose to serve.

Thank you again for blessing me today!

Growing in grace,

"Choosing to Serve"

P.S. I have printed out a copy of that article and am going to hang it in my closet as a daily reminder!



Dear Choosing to Serve,

Thank you so much for your letter. I appreciate your encouragement and cherish your fellowship.

There was so much to say on this topic. While I didn't want to run on with my words in that blog post, it really got me thinking about particular circumstances in my relationship where I've had to put my choices aside to respect his.

For example, every time we leave the mall (and we live five minutes away) my husband drives in the opposite direction and takes the long road home. It drives me crazy, and I have such a hard time biting my tongue because I just want to get home.

He has a friend who smells really bad and most would consider “different.” I mean this guy stands at the bus stop and yells, "Your gall-darn mother!" into thin air--repeatedly. If he comes over I can smell him the minute I open the front door, even if he's at the other end of the house, but my husband loves him. He grew up with him, and this guy is like an uncle to him. We've bought him some things, like a TV and a bicycle to help him out but he always lands up giving these things away to his barber.

Another thing my husband has done in the past (but he's respectfully improved) was eat cold cereal for dinner on days when I've cooked an awesome chicken dinner, made spaghetti, or meatloaf. He would say, "Would you mind if I just had cereal?"

I'd say I don't mind, and then I'd pout and give him the silent treatment, assuming that men "get" what the silent treatment means. Most of the time they don't. Girlfriends do of course because we're mind readers, but that's a whole other story. LOL!

I've had to come to accept his idiosyncrasies including his choice of friends, how much time he spends in the bathroom, what route he likes to take home, and the fact that he falls asleep during 90% of the movies we watch. And the truth is I've also come to see the beauty behind many of his choices.

The only real way we can live in harmony is by realizing that while we are one in unity, we are separate human beings with a separate set of emotions, reactions, and passions. We were raised by different parents, teased by different children, and influenced by different mentors over the course of our lives.

The choices he makes result in the consequences he deals with. I'm created to be his helper, which means that I also want to be his cheerleader, not his instructor, his mother, his coach or his teacher. I’m his wife.

I’m blessed to see women like you who are willing to joyfully serve, even if that means biting your tongue once in a while or letting his choices override yours.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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The "X" List

My bedroom was a typical 17-year-old’s room: a single bed, vanity dresser, enough make-up to stock a large drugstore, and “Africa” skipping on an old 45. I had my own telephone line, a black and white television, and a full-length mirror that Dad hung on the back of my door to free up some bathroom time for him and my mom.

Scotch taped next to the mirror was a piece of stationery with the words, “Ten Things I Want in A Husband” printed across the top:

1. Christian
2. 5’10” – 6’0”
3. Likes music and singing
4. Blonde or light brown hair
5. Born in 1960-1965
6. Blue eyes
7. Likes the Bible
8. Likes kids
9. Assertive
10. Good sense of humor

As you can see, my list was quite specific, and I prayed over it seven days a week (probably twice on Sundays).

Not included on the list of “Hopes and Dreams” were expectations. The expectation list existed, but I kept it in an entirely different place. It was written on the inside of my heart. The "X List" I’ll call it was compiled by assumptions I had collected over time. Contributing sources to this list had stepped in and out of my life over the years, but each one had left their impression:

• Boys that broke my heart
• Television heart throbs
• My father
• Rock stars with their soothing lyrics
• Athletes
• Comedians
• Friends
• Magazine photos
• Romance novels
• Chick flicks

My ideal man was a work of art sculpted by the mind of a die-hard romantic, and designed by the unrealistic desires I held. My future husband had a lot to live up to.

God gifts men in a number of ways: intelligence, strength, talent, skill, wisdom, courage, sensitivity, humor, financial success, and the list goes on… Men might have one or several of these gifts, but I have yet to meet a man who possesses them all. God didn't create perfect human beings--you, me, our husband's... we're all sinners saved by grace. Every one of us comes complete with flaws that we struggle to overcome.


For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,)
dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present
with me; but how to perform that which is
good I find not.
~ Romans 7:18, KJV


And then there are fruit of the spirit, which are evident in those who walk with the Lord:


But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,
forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self-control. Against such things
there is no law.
~ Galatians 5:22-23, NIV


And yet there isn’t a man alive who lives in the fullness of that Spirit every moment of every day. And there won’t be until we are finished our earthly battle with the flesh. One may for a season or two, but unlike Christ he will eventually fall and disappoint someone in the flesh.

So here we have our expectations of a man in one hand and our husband in the other, who we’ve come to realize isn’t all that we expected. You wanted fun on Friday nights, not sluggish on Saturdays. You wanted courageous, not weak. And you wanted a man who’d walk through the door with a dozen roses after work, but instead you get a dozen reasons why he’s too tired to take you out.

The problem here isn’t our husband, it’s that the level of expectation we hold is outshining his character. When we measure him up against the weight of expectation, we are left with an unbalanced scale.

When we first moved into this house our walls were white. Every room, every wall, and every door was egg shell white. Before long the boys had scuffed up the front entrance, and there were a few hand prints that wanted to stay. The rest of the place looked great, if not for the boot marks that made the entrance look dirty.

I remembered the painters had left a can of white paint in the laundry room, so I decided to give it a quick touch up, but once the paint dried I had an entirely different problem—I now had “white” scuffs on my walls. It looked like I washed a portion of the wall while the rest of the room was dirty. Not good.

Lives are much the same way. They can be the most beautiful shade of white until we compare it with the vibrant white of the "X list." People have scuffs, and people have scratches; that’s the beauty of who they are. Take a look at furniture these days and you’ll see all of the work that goes into making the cupboards, the tables, and chairs look used. There's beauty to be found in character flaws.

Do we excuse his sin? No. I’m not asking you to do that, but I am asking you to look past the human frailty of a man to seek his beauty by removing the weight of expectation we hold. That's how we balance the scale!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

A Greater Love

There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why we try to do it as beautifully as possible.
~ Mother Teresa
I encourage women to change themselves rather than attempting to change their husbands. On the flip side, it's only fair that our husbands change and meet us halfway, isn’t it?

Of course it is, but I'm not talking about “fairness” here, I'm talking about a love that reflects the goodness of God. Could there be any greater love?


But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
~ Romans 5:8, NIV


When a husband doesn’t feel a certain level of love and respect from his family, he may seek out other ways to find it. He may absorb himself in his work thinking that success equals respect, get involved in sports to gain the respect of his peers, or find that respect in another woman who sees him the way he desires to be seen.

When a wife stops fulfilling her husband’s need for respect, the void creates a vacuum that must--and will--be filled by other things. This is why it's so important that our attitude is one of adoration, and that our attitude stays in check.

We can start showing respect by accepting without expecting. Pressure does little more than create resentment and rebellion, while reverence and a good attitude create an atmosphere of trust.

I had a friend once with beautiful children who were a joy to watch. Even the baby was a cheerful little fellow who was content to coo and caw while I puttered around the house. I enjoyed babysitting those kids until I started to feel that my friend was pressuring me anytime I busy and had to say no.

When I sensed the pressure, I declined to test my boundaries, and sure enough the pressure built up. The more evident her pressure became, the more resentful I was, and so I started to decline all the more often. It’s not like I set out to keep score, it was more of a subconscious reaction to the fact that I was feeling unappreciated. Instead of communicating my thoughts, I rebelled with my actions until we both stepped back from the friendship.

That’s the affect that pressure often has. We either live in a constant state of guilt, we give in reluctantly, or we step back. While pressure doesn’t get us anywhere in changing a person, a good example and friendly encouragement goes a long way.

When approaching our husbands we can look to the Biblical example of Esther, a woman who used wisdom and reference when she came to the king with her burden. In Esther chapter five we see that when Esther entered the king's court she didn't burden him with her petition. She showed respect without expectation, and in doing so received her husband's respect in return.

True love is giving without expecting return. It doesn’t keep track of wrong doings. It doesn’t expect perfection, and allows room for fault. It plants gardens where brick walls have once stood. True love is painful and pleasant, while perfect in every way. It’s grace in action.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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