6 Ways to Build Up Our Husbands - And a Titus 2sday Linkup!

Last night I noticed a little water on the kitchen floor by the sink, which is par for the course considering that most days Nathaniel spills far more than he drinks. But when I noticed a bulging box of Cascade under the sink this afternoon and another puddle of water beneath my feet I knew we had a leak somewhere that had to be fixed.

It wasn't too serious, but enough of a drip that I stood on towels to wash dishes and changed my socks once or twice.

The sound of Michael tinkering in the kitchen after dinner was music to my ears. I wondered if he might be too tired or too busy to get to it this evening, but since we both know that water can cause permanent damage if it's left to soak, he wanted to get it repaired right away.

Looking at the scriptures I'm reminded of yet another damaging drip--a contentious woman.

A continual dripping on a very rainy day

And a contentious woman are alike;

~ Proverbs 27:15

Contention appears in a number of ways including opposing, nagging, arguing, challenging, belittling, and competing. And why do we do it? Because somehow we think that by nagging him we're encouraging our husbands to be a better person.

It seems to makes sense at the time, but the truth is that many of our husbands--and many wives for that matter--have fragile egos that should be handled with care and respect.

In the same way that a leaky faucet can cause permanent damage, our words if left unchecked can damage our relationships and cause cause resentment to grow. I can't imagine what the state of my kitchen would be if we let that faucet leak for 10 years, but in some marriages that's what's happening. Sometimes the damage appears surmountable. Giving up--they walk away.

If this problem is going on in our marriage, we need to get in there and immediately start to make changes that work to build up our husbands rather than tearing them down. Certainly it takes the work of two people to form a strong marriage bond, but my advice to you is that we concentrate on our share of the work and leave them to do theirs.

Here are six ways we can start building up our husbands today:

1. Listen to what he has to say so that you will recognize what's on his heart.
   
   
2. Make an effort to be as cheerful as you were when you were engaged to be married.
   
   
3. Ignore his faults and focus on his strong points by taking note of them.
   
   
4. Compliment him for the way that he looks and the good things that he does like working hard for the family.
   
   
5. See him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
   
   
6. Be slow to anger. Relay your frustration with love, respect, and a cool head.

You are loved by an almighty God,


Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Find Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here

Who Does She Think She Is?

Today I welcome guest blogger,
Gina from "Chats With An Old Lady."

As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another.
~ Proverbs 27:17, NIV


I was sitting at my dining room table with a friend who had come to visit for the morning. My husband had just left after spending his lunch hour with us. "May I tell you something?" She asked. "Sure." I answered. She paused and then she said, "The way that you speak to your husband is wrong."

I was 27-years-old and had been married for almost 3 years. I had just begun spending time with this young woman. She was a year older than me, but she had a walk with God that I had never observed in a woman my age. She diligently studied God's Word and sought to live it out. She was a godly example of a wife and mother, so when she loved me enough to point out where I was missing the mark, there was really nothing I could say. She was right. I knew she was right. And she had been a living example to me.

I'd love to say that my response to her was one of humility and repentance, but it wasn't. To put it bluntly, I was bugged. Yes, I was definitely under conviction! But I didn't want to admit it. My pride wanted to fight it. "Who does she think she is?" I thought!

For a short time I resisted the things God was showing me through her example and her words. I would join in the gossip about her when I would get together with my other friends. But I couldn't fight what God was doing in my heart.

Not long after that lunch visit, she invited me to go to dinner with her. I couldn't think of a good excuse not to go, so I went. We talked for awhile and then she asked, "How is your time in the Word going?" I had to admit to her that it wasn't going so well. It was hit or miss at best. "Would you like me to help you?" she asked.

"Okay..." I said hesitantly. To accept her help was to admit I was wrong. I didn't really like that. But God was working in my heart. That was a turning point for me. I began to be in the Word on a daily basis, and God broke me. I began to see how ugly my heart really is. I began to see there was a need to change.

As I think back to those days I cringe! I even have a hard time looking at pictures from that time because it is a reminder of how rude and disrespectful I was to my precious husband. One of the saddest parts of this story is, one of the reasons I had not seen a need to change before this was that I really was no different than any other wife I knew in the church. I was used to being around women who cut down, disrespected, were sarcastic, and argued with there husbands--that was the norm. So when someone came on the scene who was working so hard to honor God by honoring her husband, it rubbed people the wrong way. It rubbed ME the wrong way. But after seeing the love and peace that was in the home of a young woman who worked hard to honor God in this way, I knew that was what I wanted.

I knew it was what God wanted.

Since that time I have had the privilege of spending time with a few other women who are wonderful examples of what it means to honoring their husbands. I "take notes" when I am with them. I also "take notes" when I am with other women as well. When I hear a woman complain about their husband, cut him down, or dishonor him in public, my heart drops. I am immediately reminded of those years and I am reminded of what I am capable of. It is a motivation for me to be so prayerful and careful about the way I treat and relate to my husband.

There have been a couple of times, over the years, when I have asked for input from someone I love and respect, and whom I know have my best interest at heart. When my children were elementary school aged, a missionary couple was staying at our home. I asked the wife, who is one of my mentors, if she would observe me while she was in our home and tell me if there was anything I need to work on. She agreed to do that. Not long after that she brought to my attention that there were a few times that my husband had made a decision whereI would override it and force what I wanted. She gave me a couple of examples. She was so right. But you know what? I didn't even realize I was doing it!

I am so thankful that God used her to open my eyes to what I was doing.

I am far from perfect in this, and will always need to be tuned in to how I am speaking to my husband. But thankfully there has been growth, and it is not "the norm" for me to dishonor him. There are times when I slip and have to ask, not only his forgiveness, but my children's forgiveness. Thankfully, for the most part, my children have grown up in a home where there is an overall respect for my husband. And I give God all the glory!

As my children were growing up, there were family member's homes that they felt uncomfortable in because of the way the wives spoke to their husband, and because of the amount of arguing and disrespect that goes on. It gave them a taste of what it is like to be in a home where dishonor sets the tone and they didn't like it. There were times they didn't want to go visit because of it. Now that they are older, they just see it for what it is and it has given them a greater appreciation for their own home.

There are many ways we can dishonor and disrespect our husbands. At times we don't even realize what we are doing or we are just doing what those around us are doing. We need to pray for God to open our eyes and ears to the ways in which we are dishonoring our husbands, and thereby creating an atmosphere of disrespect in our home. Our children will learn from our example.

I will be forever grateful for my friend who was brave enough, and who loved me enough, to confront me. I am so very grateful for my missionary friend who took the time to observe me and help me see the areas that I need to work on. I am thankful for the members of the body of Christ who are willing to come alongside me and encourage me in my walk with God, by their examples and by helping me learn how to bring honor to God in my marriage.

I am thankful for a husband who has been so patient with me as I have been learning how to honor him. And most of all, I am thankful for the ways God has drawn my heart to him and opened my eyes to my areas of need, so that I might glorify him better.



It is better to live in a desert land than
with a quarrelsome woman.
~ Proverbs 21:19




Our guest today is Gina, a Christ follower, who desires to glorify God in all that she does. Gina became a self proclaimed "old lady" after reading and studying what the Bible says, in Titus 2, about the role of "older women." She prays that she will continue to grow into that role, and most importantly, to LIVE OUT THE GOSPEL and live life WITH you!

You can find her blogging at "Chats With An Old Lady" where she is continually growing and challenging readers to also grow in their faith.

For questions or comments, contact Gina through her website: click here






You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Find Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here

If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife

Fix That Leaky Faucet!

And a Titus 2sday Linkup!!

Introducing our host today, Jessica Heights...

Jessica is a passionately Christian, blissfully wed, full-time homemaker and mother of four. She is the author and founder of Muthering Heights and Other Senseless Sensibility, in which she grows alongside and encourages women as they blossom as mothers, wives, seekers of truth and conduits of grace. She is also a co-host of Relevant and a contributing writer to Raising Homemakers, and Christmas Change.



If there is one area you could improve in your marriage – specifically in your treatment of your husband - what would it be?

Sadly, if many husbands were asked this same question, referring to your treatment of him, they may offer a different answer than you might think. And so today, I’d like to address a topic that I’m sure will hit home for nearly all of the wives out there: resisting the womanly urge to become a “dripping faucet” in our husband’s lives; aka, a NAG.

As women, I feel that it’s easy to fall into a pattern of needling our husbands when they repeatedly annoy us. Doesn’t it seem as though your husband required a thousand reminders about even the smallest thing?? Doesn’t he seem to need your direction on just about everything???

The short answer is NO!

I probably just lost half of you, but stay with me here, ladies: if you strive to make your home a haven for your family, a place lit by loving camaraderie and mutual esteem, why on earth would you want to make the man to whom you joined your life uncomfortable there? Who {especially a male “who”} wants to spend their time in the presence of a pugnacious person every single day?


…and a quarrelsome wife
is like a constant dripping.
~ Proverbs 19:13b


So what is a wife to do?

I’ve outlined a few points that have helped me to avoid becoming contentious to my husband. While I’m certainly not a perfect wife, keeping these things in mind helps me to stay focused on being his crown, rather than a constant dripping!

1. Choose your battles.
   
   
   Better to live on a corner of the roof
   than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
   ~ Proverbs 21:9
   
   
   When Jordan and I were newly married, I began to notice some little habits of his that, to be quite frank, drove me crazy {yes, he knows I’m sharing these things with you}. The first is that he never closed a door – closet or cabinet. I would walk through our apartment to find every door he had touched ajar. The second is that somehow, he managed to teleport out of his clothing without pulling it apart; I was quite literally pulling shirts, undershirts, pants, underwear, and socks apart for each of his outfits every time I did the laundry!!
   
   At that point in our marriage, he was working so much that I only saw him for about two hours or so each night. Rather than ruining that time with him by reminding him of the fact that he wasn’t living up to my expectations of door-closing practices and undressing techniques, or complaining that he left his clothing entangled, I made a choice. I decided that the two seconds it took me to reach my hand out to close a door was not worth risking an argument. I did, however, ask him to please pull his clothing apart as he deposited it into the hamper…and lo and behold, he was happy to do so!
   
   
2. Speak to him gently.
   
   
   A gentle answer turns away wrath,
   but a harsh word stirs up anger.
   ~ Proverbs 15:1
   
   
   Let’s revisit the scenario above. If your best friend, your closest and most treasured female companion was engaging in those particular behaviors, would you storm up to her and bellow “What is wrong with you?? Can’t you SEE the hamper 3 feet in front of you???? WHY can’t you do something as simple as pulling your underwear out of your pants? Are you incapable of closing a door?? Were you raised in a BARN?” or sigh audibly and stomp around to show her how righteously angry you are? I would hope not! {And if you answered yes, how many close friends do you really have?}
   
   Your husband is far more than your best friend; the two of you are one! He is your mate, your leader, your lifelong counterpart whom you owe respect, affection and grace. Instead, of spewing out commands, insults, or even using an acrid tone, simply ask gently! Remember that bit about attracting more flies with honey? It’s applicable to your man as well!! Because I was kind in my request concerning the clothing, my husband was more than happy to undress in a more contentious manner.
   
   
3. Nix that critical tongue!
   
   
   Reckless words pierce like a sword,
   but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
   ~ Proverbs 12:8
   
   
   Let’s face facts: no one likes to have their flaws and shortcomings magnified, discussed, and regularly picked apart. I repeat: No. One.
   
   Imagine that your husband has just returned home from work. For all you know, he had the WORST day of his life, and hoped to find some reprieve when he came home…but instead, he is greeted by snarling criticism. Wouldn’t that just make him want to hurry home into your presence the next time he left the house?
   
   If your husband treated you that way, imagine how quickly the barbs of his words would bring you to your knees! Again, if you would not treat a friend in this manner, you must never behave this way toward your husband!! Rather, you should endeavor to regularly compliment him, as a means to build him up. Now, I’m not insinuating that you need to shower him with praise every minute. But by keeping your focus on the positive, he will feel respected and cherished. In addition, when the majority of your speech is positive, it will create focus on the concerns you voice {gently}, and demonstrate that doing what you ask is important to you.
   
   
4. You are his wife, NOT his mommy.
   
   
   Your desire will be for your husband…
   ~ Genesis 3:16b
   
   
   Listen to me here, ladies: you are not raising your husband!
   
   The meaning behind the verse listed above raises a very important point. Due to the sinful, fallen nature of humanity, women have a natural desire to control their husbands. We try to micro-manage them. Manipulate them. Change them. We just can’t help ourselves, can we?
   
   Your husband may have habits, some trivial {like my silly laundry problem}, and some gravely serious sin issues that have roots in his childhood. Your continual digging at him will never change those things. It will only make you seem like a constant dripping! Rather, with loving, supportive words from you, prayer may be the only way to help him overcome larger issues and hurts.
   
   What you need to understand is this: it is not your job to “fix” him!! Some things may never change. If his mother trained him carelessly when he was a child, the fault for that is on her head, not yours. As his wife, your place is to prayerfully support him in overcoming. Stop trying to hold the world on your shoulders, girl! Give these things to God!
   
   
5. Bottom line: you married a human being.
   
   
   Be completely humble and gentle;
   be patient, bearing with one
   another in love.
   ~ Ephesians 4:2
   
   
   Unless you know something I don’t about your husband, you married a flawed, fleshly sinner. {If you have a Stepford husband, feel free click your remote, start a foot massage, and skip to my next post. But for the rest of you, this is important!}
   
   He is going to make mistakes. He will annoy you. He will forget to do things you’ve asked him to do, he will fall back into negative behavioral patterns, and will be snared by the devil into issues of sin. This is why he needs you-his helpmeet, companion, and other half--to offer your steadfast support and to lift him up in prayer!! You would crumble internally if your husband expected you to me superwoman…so conversely, you cannot expect him to be superman!!!!
   
   It has been said many times, by many people that love is a choice. That is not only true for you, but also for your husband. For goodness’ sake ladies, in a world that holds so many things fighting to seduce your husband’s heart away from you, fix that faucet and make it an easy choice!!
   

If you have any questions or comments, you can contact Jessica through her website, Muthering Heights:



In Participation with:



If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife

Men Are From Mars

Darlene,

I just stumbled across your blog. I am in the middle of [your book] “Reshaping It All,” and I just had a question about a life situation right now.

My husband recently lost his job. He is in the Political field and things in our area took a down turn after this last election.

I am a teacher, and this is my first year back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for two years.

My husband is job hunting but also has his resume out at so many places that he's sort of in a "waiting" stage.

He is home each day, and instead of catching up on laundry, taking care of house repairs, or cleaning out the garage, he is choosing to sit in front of the TV or computer.

I feel myself getting angry and upset at all the things he COULD be doing, and I feel bad about it. I don't know how to act. I'll admit I've made a few snide comments about it, and I want to stop. I want to respond in a respectful way--the way I'm supposed to respond.

Any thoughts? Thanks so much for your help.

Jessica



Jessica,

Thanks for your letter. Glad to hear that you're reading "Reshaping it All!" I hope you like it.

I'm not a psychologist or a trained counselor, so any thoughts that I offer you are only based on my understanding of men from living with four of them!

You mentioned that your husband lost his job and that things took a down turn after the election. I don't know the character of your husband, but in most cases, the loss of a job alone is enough to drain one's emotion. Men were designed to provide for their families and have done so since the beginning of time. That puts a lot of pressure on a man.


Anyone who does not provide for their relatives,
and especially for their own household,
has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
~ 1 Timothy 5:8, NIV


I'm not saying that applies to your husband, I'm merely using the verse to illustrate the burden that rests on the shoulders of men.

For many men, losing the ability to provide or facing the loss of a career that they have come to love, is devastating.

When women are upset they typically talk it out. I phone my girlfriend and we analyze every word, every possible scenario, and every emotion I'm feeling until we're talked out. Men react differently. In "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" doctor John Gray tells us that men don't typically talk out their problems, they retreat to their cave and they think.

Here's a quote from page 27:

"When he can't find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain."

My guess is that the mountain of laundry sitting next to your washer isn't the mountain that he's looking to climb. Bottom line is that he might be emotionally drained and relaxing in front of the TV or computer is his way of spending time in the cave.

I would suggest supporting him emotionally the best way you know how. Certainly suggest things that he could do to help you out when you're at work, but at the same time offer him the emotional support that he needs. If he doesn't tend to the work while you're gone, call him to your side when you're at home and ask him to lend a hand.

I agree that the snide comments should stop, because instead of helping they might create a fight or flight mentality. Let's avoid that for the sake of your marriage.


A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
~ Proverbs 15:1, NIV


When approaching him, apply these virtues:

1. Love - Be patient and kind--not rude. Don't demand your own way or get angry when the plan doesn't go your way.
   
   
2. Support - Be there to listen and encourage him with your actions and words. Remind him that you will get through this together.
   
   
3. Respect - Show him that you value and admire the things he has done and the things he is doing. Look for ways to encourage him.

I hope that helps! And I’ll be praying for the both of you tonight.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Click to share on Facebook:Share

A Greater Love

There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why we try to do it as beautifully as possible.
~ Mother Teresa
I encourage women to change themselves rather than attempting to change their husbands. On the flip side, it's only fair that our husbands change and meet us halfway, isn’t it?

Of course it is, but I'm not talking about “fairness” here, I'm talking about a love that reflects the goodness of God. Could there be any greater love?


But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
~ Romans 5:8, NIV


When a husband doesn’t feel a certain level of love and respect from his family, he may seek out other ways to find it. He may absorb himself in his work thinking that success equals respect, get involved in sports to gain the respect of his peers, or find that respect in another woman who sees him the way he desires to be seen.

When a wife stops fulfilling her husband’s need for respect, the void creates a vacuum that must--and will--be filled by other things. This is why it's so important that our attitude is one of adoration, and that our attitude stays in check.

We can start showing respect by accepting without expecting. Pressure does little more than create resentment and rebellion, while reverence and a good attitude create an atmosphere of trust.

I had a friend once with beautiful children who were a joy to watch. Even the baby was a cheerful little fellow who was content to coo and caw while I puttered around the house. I enjoyed babysitting those kids until I started to feel that my friend was pressuring me anytime I busy and had to say no.

When I sensed the pressure, I declined to test my boundaries, and sure enough the pressure built up. The more evident her pressure became, the more resentful I was, and so I started to decline all the more often. It’s not like I set out to keep score, it was more of a subconscious reaction to the fact that I was feeling unappreciated. Instead of communicating my thoughts, I rebelled with my actions until we both stepped back from the friendship.

That’s the affect that pressure often has. We either live in a constant state of guilt, we give in reluctantly, or we step back. While pressure doesn’t get us anywhere in changing a person, a good example and friendly encouragement goes a long way.

When approaching our husbands we can look to the Biblical example of Esther, a woman who used wisdom and reference when she came to the king with her burden. In Esther chapter five we see that when Esther entered the king's court she didn't burden him with her petition. She showed respect without expectation, and in doing so received her husband's respect in return.

True love is giving without expecting return. It doesn’t keep track of wrong doings. It doesn’t expect perfection, and allows room for fault. It plants gardens where brick walls have once stood. True love is painful and pleasant, while perfect in every way. It’s grace in action.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

Click to share on Facebook:Share

Politically INcorrect If We Must

We were created by an almighty God who fashioned us to uniquely fit the desires of man. Because of that master design, we shouldn't let anyone say that your role as a wife is demeaning, undignified, or degrading. It’s an honor to be sculpted by the Maker according to plan.

Where men lack we abound and vice versa. My husband is tall, I’m short, he’s strong, I’m weak, his voice is deep, mine is high, he’s mechanical, I’m artsy, I’m a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants girl, he’s a grounded and detailed guy, and the list goes on... No one can fill the role of a help-meet like a woman can. You can never put two identical pieces of a puzzle together, but when you find one piece that fills the space that another one lacks, you start to see a bigger picture come to life.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one.” ~ Mark 10:7-8.

I’ll say it again, and I’ll say it often on this site: Men and women are two very different beings. But in order to be politically correct, more people are accepting that the line of difference between a male and a female are blurred.

Not only are the differences blurred, pop culture encourages us to experiment with our sexuality, while discouraging us from speaking out.


Ladies, it’s time to speak out against this modern mindset and to reclaim who we were created to be, after all we are the ones raising the next generation. Men and women are different, and each were created with a purpose:

• Men love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for it
• Wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord

If the lines are blurred, draw new ones. Be politically INcorrect if you must, but count it an honor to be created a woman according to the perfect wisdom of God.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” ~ Genesis 1:27

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, join in the discussion on facebook.

Finally Getting It

Dear Darlene,

I just started reading your blog, Time-Warp Wife, a few weeks ago, and I absolutely love it. I applaud you for a statement of faith that shouts biblical truth rather than one that is sensitive to the voice of the world.

I wanted to write you to tell you how things are changing in my life, or better said how I’m changing. I’m a mom to three kids, and we’ve been married for 8 years. My husband and I have a great relationship for the most part. We’re both Christian and we really don’t fight all that often, BUT in the last couple of years I felt like something has changed. Maybe it’s because we’re in the trenches of parenting, or maybe it’s because we’ve gotten used to each other, I’m not sure. But I do sense that something is lost, and that makes me sad. I know that marriage won’t be as it was when we were [first] married because we have responsibilities, but I was really longing to bring something back.

I’ll get to my point… a few weeks ago I came across an article that you posted on another blog, “Regaining Sight of His Character.” Actually I think that’s how I landed here in the first place. Something you said stood out to me:

You said that it can be difficult at times to think highly of our husbands when “we’re frustrated that our man isn’t quite the prince charming we met years back in Wonderland. Bottom line is that in most cases, he hasn’t changed--our perception of him has.”

So I started to wonder if maybe it was ME that was changing, and thought I’d try out a few of the ideas you shared. I didn’t go overboard, but I started to notice the little things he was doing, and biting my lip rather than nitpicking so often. Truth be told, I was nitpicking a little more than I realized!

So, it’s been about a week and a half now, and I’ve already noticed a change—in both of us. We had a great week, and an awesome weekend!

And then I read this scripture in Matthew chapter 7:3-5 today, and thought it went along with the message so well:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” (NIV)

I have known that piece of scripture forever. I teach it to my kids, and I thought I was doing my best to live it, but I wasn’t applying that same idea when it came to my marriage.

By turning the focus in my own direction for a change I become thankful for a man who puts up with my failures. I’m thankful for a man who loves me despite my faults. And I’ve discovered a man who is human like me.

He’s still the same guy he always was, but my expectations and dreams were clouding my view. Yay—I’m finally getting it!

Thanks for your words of encouragement, and like I said, I’m loving your blog.

Your Sister in Christ,

Krista



That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we lower the bar when it comes to our level of standard. But rather that before we start in on the bad habits or failures we see in our spouse, we view our own life against a standard of perfection to see where we lack.

Changing ourselves is such a difficult task, changing others is an impossible one.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene