Infidelity Discovered? 10 Ways to Calm Your Powerful Feelings

The discovery of a cheating spouse triggers powerful feelings. Learn 10 ways to manage and transform those feelings.
 When you find out about the affair, the first few hours, days and weeks can be emotionally wrenching to say the least. Or, if someone you deeply care about begins "pulling away" you may also experience intense feelings. Read through this list and pick out a couple things you can do to help yourself during these times.

1. Walk. Run, if you are fit enough to run. Work out. Get the blood flowing. Physical exercise drains off the adrenaline and physically you feel better. You also think better of yourself because you are caring for you.

2. Talk. If you typically handle problems by talking them out, find someone who will listen as you pour out your heart. Give them explicit instructions: "I need to talk, vent, cry, rage, and question. Just look me in the eye, nod your head and listen."

3. Write. Get a kitchen timer. Set it for 5 minutes. Spend that time writing...anything, everything that comes to your mind. Don't censor. When the bell goes off say to yourself, "OK, there it is. Now I need to get on to other things. I will come back later and write more." Put the writing in a safe place or destroy it.

4. Find a safe place and spend some time there. Do you have a favorite lake, wooded area, park, room, chair where you feel safe and can "get away." Intentionally spend some time there.

5. Use good "self talk." Tell yourself, "You are ok. You will be ok. This too shall pass. What you are feeling is normal and will not destroy you." Develop that "observing part" that can speak to your turmoil.

6. Pray. Meditate. Use your spiritual resources, if you have them. If you don't have them, it can be a good time to develop them. Spirituality often affirms your worth and enables you to see the larger picture.

7. Be aware. Notice what you are thinking, how you are feeling and what you are doing. Pay close attention to these chunks of your life. Just noticing often creates distance from the emotional pain.

8. Encourage the rhythm of your feelings. Your feelings will come and go, often as in waves. There will be lulls and sometimes they crash. Notice the intensity and frequency of the waves.

9. Get professional help. Supportive therapy might be helpful. Personal and professional coaching, often via telephone, is a helpful phenomenon that is increasingly popular as a way to find support and direction for specific problems.

10. Gather resources. Start reading, exploring the internet and talking to people about your situation. Believe me, you are not alone. Many people have walked your path (well, not exactly your path, but close) and are there to offer their understanding and point out the bends and turns of your road.

What it Means to "Cover" Our Marriage

Wherefore let him that thinketh he
standeth take heed lest he fall.
~ 1 Corinthians 10:12


I recently picked up a copy of Marriage Undercover by Bob and Audrey Meisner. Their story guides couples to find hope and rescue through the biblical principle of “covering” to protect their marriage.

Covering is a new concept to me. Certainly I’ve read about it in the Bible, but it wasn’t until I got a few chapters in that the light went on. I began to see the connection in shielding my marriage from pain and shame and the principles laid out in scripture. My mind went off on a trail of its own...

I got to thinking about Noah, and the events that were recorded in Genesis chapter nine. We learn from the story that after planting a vineyard, Noah was found drunk and naked in his tent. His son Ham witnessed his father’s indiscretion, but rather than concealing the incident he went to tell his two brothers about it.

On one hand, it sounds like an awful thing for someone to do, but on the other hand I realize that I’m guilty in much the same way. There have been times when my husband has done things that have really gotten under my skin; times when his imperfection and human weakness is revealed, and I’m left with two choices: one is to respond as God would have me respond, and the other choice is to grab my cell phone, head outside for a walk, call a good friend, and vent.

Whether we’re mocking another for their human failure or venting in anger, we’re exposing their wounds to the world rather than seeking a way to bring healing to them.


And Shem and Japheth took a garment,
and laid it upon both their shoulders,
and went backward, and covered the
nakedness of their father; and their faces
were backward, and they saw not
their father's nakedness.
~ Genesis 9:23


In Marriage Undercover, Bob and Audrey Meisner share their painful experience with adultery, offering wisdom to those whose marriages are under attack. Bob writes, “Concealing the matter concerning me and Audrey was not to cover it up, but to cover it so that healing could take place.” (page 22) I had to underline that one!

They go on to compare this covering to that of a bandage that protects and shields a wound during the time of healing.

Going back to the story of Noah, we can see by the loving kindness of Shem and Japheth that they weren’t simply hiding their father’s failure from the world. Entering the tent backwards was an act of respect on their part and evidence that they loved him.

That’s where the difference lies. Seeking the counsel of a friend from a place of compassion with a desire to heal is different than sitting around the table gossiping about our husband’s faults with other wives, or slandering our husbands because of the pain we’ve endured.

This principle of covering the ones that we love is important when facing big trials in our marriage, but it’s also important to practice the same level of compassion when it comes to the trivial things that get under our skin.

Why? Because fault-finders are every bit as human as those they condemn and every bit as guilty of sin. Just because you’re walking high today, that doesn’t mean you won’t fall tomorrow. And if you do fall into a pit of sin, you’ll be looking for redemption and grace to pull you back out.


It is the glory of God to conceal a thing:
but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.
~ Proverbs 25:2


If you'd like to read Marriage Undercover, you can find it online at Amazon: Click here.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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Can You Recognize A Cheater?

How do you recognize a cheater? I honestly don't think that you can, mostly, but I would think that if he's a big flirt, especially right in front of you, or you notice that he's just way too into "the women" then you might just have a problem. My ex husband was the kind of man who would want to go out to eat but he would stare at other women as they passed by, and yes, it was right in front of me. I hated that about him because I felt that he was being disrespectful towards me. I also noticed that he was extremely nice to his women customers, even not collecting his fee of doing a painting or home repair service at times, but I thought that maybe he was just trying to help someone out who was short of cash. I don't think that you can really ever guess if your partner is going to cheat on you or not, but I think it's a feeling of whether you feel secure in your relationship. I never thought in a million years that my ex would cheat, but he did. For some reason, I always thought that getting married meant that you were to be faithful to your partner but I am hearing and seeing so much adultery on tv, and on the radio these days. What has happened to honestly loving your partner enough to be faithful? I know that faithfulness DOES exist, but why are we hearing so much about cheating spouses?

It Was All Over But The Cryin!

That must have been what he thought when I told him that I was divorcing him. He had carried on for such a long time the day that I found him coming out of her apartment with her after he had been in there for over an hour was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I had suffered with many years of his name calling, treating me like I was nothing and what's worse, is that I trusted him. I never thought he would ever cheat. One day out of the blue, an old friend asked me when we had gotten divorced, but at that time, we were still together. She spoke about how she and her family had seen him numerous times in someone else's apartment and thought that he was now with someone else. I didn't want to believe her. She didn't tell me to hurt me. She was only asking. I decided to go and find her in those apartments one morning to ask her more. Why would she even think we were divorced? I ran into his van, parked by an apartment and I started shaking. He had told me that morning that he would be in another city working and I just couldn't believe it. When I got home, I was so panicked that I packed all my things and left. He called me over and over once he found out. He didn't want to see what he had done to me, only that I had left him. It was all over and it was his turn to cry

Why Do They Think It Won't Hurt?

Why does he/she think that it won't hurt you if you never find out? Well, because most of the time, they feel as though they can get by with it, without your knowledge, but most of the time, we do eventually find out. "What they don't know, won't hurt them" is the sentence that I have heard many of times. What a load of crock ! What happens when we do find out? Alot of times the adulterer gets caught up in the fact that they are having way too much fun to even think about the consequences of us finding out later. Oh how I wished that he would have thought about things before he got involved with "her". The past almost always comes back at us in the future. I wished that he would have thought about "us", our family and our future before he decided to be with "her".

Talking to someone

So what do you do in this type of situation? First of all, when you are going through this, you feel like there's nothing that you can do. For me, it was like going round in circles. I kept seeing what I called was "evidence" but I never actually ever saw him with anybody. I never ever heard him talking to "the other woman". In my mind, I knew he was guilty, but inside of myself I kept thinking that since I didn't actually CATCH him then maybe he really wasn't guilty......yes, I know that sounds silly of me or rather nieve, but I am the kind of person who wants to believe the best in my mate. After all, we had been together for a very long time. Don't you think that after you are with someone for such a long time, that you should know them by then? What about giving him the benefit-of-doubt? Well, that's what I was doing but it just wasn't working for me. Something had to give here, as I was growing tired of all the "antics" he was putting me through. I had to search for answers. I was very lucky that I had my parents, although they lived 1100 miles away, THANK GOD for telephones. Do you have someone who you can trust? Someone that you can talk to? This is one thing that I honestly belive will help.

My man was the snitch

What happened to all the exact hour phone calls? They stopped immediately. Wow, what a relief. But I didn't really get the relief that I wanted. Private calls started in again. And another letter through the mail. Mom was right about one thing.....he MUST have been contributing something toward her or she wouldn't be calling so much. It turned out that HE was my snitch. He was reporting back to her that I was on his back about the calls and THAT'S why she stopped. She must have been afraid that I would call her job. Actually, I did try that but since she worked at a factory, I only got workers and they acted like they didn't know what I was talking about. My own partner was the one who was stopping the calls, but not because he told her to quit, it was because he told her that I was becoming more and more suspicious. What a crock....I felt so angry. He would never ever admit that anything was going on. He still denied phone calls even though they were right there in my face. What's new?

Searching for the answers

So how do you know what to do about those phone calls? One thing's for certain, if you call him on it, he's going to know you suspect something and he is going to become even more sneaky. If I had only waited until I had something more concrete, but then again, a privately marked call for me WAS something concrete. He was the kind of man, who at times could be very private. And I was the kind of person who just couldn't understand about a private call....yes, maybe one or two times perhaps, but not THIS many. I became so angry and confused over this that I just couldn't hold it any longer. After all, he had cheated before. So, was his past something that was an indicator of his future? I didn't want to believe so. And this time, something fishy was up, and it was something that I felt like I needed to find out, so I kept searching for answers. I have heard people say, that if you look for something, you are definetly going to find something, and that something isn't always good....but then again, what could I do? We got a divorce over his cheating, and here I was again, wondering if it was happening again.

Finding phone numbers on the cell phone

I got brave, and I confronted him about the phone calls. I questioned him about the privately marked calls. He told me that they were telemarketers, or perhaps customers who didn't want him to know their phone numbers.....hahaha, that seems funny now because if I had thought about it THEN, I would have asked him why would some customer call for a job if they didn't want him to have their number. Boy, I really took it all in. There were times when he got downright MEAN and UGLY about my questions. After all, I wasn't supposed to be asking. So, one day, I became extremely desperate. I waited until he took his shower, and I saw his phone just there in the room like it was calling my name to open it. I know, I DID invade his privacy by getting it and opening it up. After all, he was going to be in the shower for awhile and I knew that I had time to just look. I saw so many numbers in there that I became intrigued. So, I did something without thinking..... I started writing down the numbers, and not only that, I wrote down what time they came in, and how long they were. I thought that maybe I could find a pattern of the same number. Then, I saw something that I didn't want to see. I saw a number with a different area code, but that was close to us, very close. I have to tell you the truth, after that, I hid the numbers and my heartbeat was rapidly beating that I felt wierd inside.

Think things over

At this point, I really need to stop and talk about some of the things that I went through. I wanted so much to believe that my husband loved me enough to want only me. I am not sure why he wanted someone else, and still wanted me too. This was very hurtful and I did alot of things without thinking. I didn't take the time to sort things out because it seemed like everything was going so fast. Having a friend, a family member, a co-worker or a pastor is a wonderful way to stop and talk things out. Being able to hear opinions of others also helps. But I will say right here, that YOU are the only one who can make a decision of leaving or staying in your marriage or relationship. No one can tell you when it's time to call it quits. You have a tiny gut feeling inside of you, which will probably give you those answers. Things CAN be worked out, especially if your spouse is really making an effort to apologize for what they did. But they need to figure out WHY they did this, so that it will not happen again. Please don't rush into any fast decisions like I did.

Why would he do this?

What am I doing? I asked myself this many times and I was so terribly confused with all the pain. How could he do this to me? "This isn't love," I cried. Why would he do this? There were so many questions that were left unanswered. As much as I tried ignoring the pain, it just wouldn't go away. He called and he called.. all we did was go around in circles with no really good answers. What did I do? Well, I got a lawyer and talked to him about it, and decided to go ahead and file for divorce. I moved on this quickly. I was too afraid that I'd let my guard down. But to be quite honest, I should have waited and thought this through. IF you are going through this, please don't move on divorce too quickly, because sometimes things really CAN be worked out. I got my divorce, but would soon move back with him, actually it was 8 months later. I will tell you about it in my next posting.

I went crazy wild over finding his infidelity

Going crazy is what I did, or so I thought. I became so distraught that I didn't even give him a chance to come home. I immediately packed my things and out I went. This so happened on a Friday so I had the whole weekend to think things over. But I didn't. I stayed away and filed for divorce. I couldn't take it just knowing that he had been with someone else. The lies were too much for me. However, looking back on this, I wonder if I really did the right thing by scooping up my things and leaving without any words. At this time in my life, I was going through an early menopause and my mind was racing with the thoughts of another woman invading our space. He called me later to try and talk things out, but I just didn't budge.....not realizing that later I would actually come back and try to work things out. I wasn't ready to face the fact that he would do THIS to me. I was too upset to think about my moving out on him, too upset to try and make things work....too upset to do anything but cry. And cry I did so much to the point that I felt like time stood still.

Finding Infidelity

After he got himself all primped up and pretty, he went to work, or so he said. I was on the computer and waiting for him to leave. I got to thinking about what my friend asked me and figured I would go and look for her to see what all was going on. I wanted the DETAILS !!! I got dressed quickly, driving to the apartment complex. Oh my GOSH !!! There was HIS work truck. Oh no, what do I do now? I waited, and seems like it was an eternity. I called my mom crying, I kicked the seat back so no one would notice me. After more than an hour, HE came out, but what? What was this? She was right behind him. I laid back in the seat and watched them get into his vehicle. I decided to call him. I should have gone to the apt to confront him but I was too afraid. "Where are you at?" I asked. He replied, telling me that he was at a job. My heart fell to the floor. I ended up behind him somewhat later. I just couldn't bear watching him drop her off to where ever she was working at now since she had changed jobs. I was sooo stunned to hear him tell me something that I knew was a lie. I had been right there, and I knew where he was. I cried and was so devistated that I felt like I was going crazy.