Riding in Cars With...Boys?

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
~ Proverbs 4:23



Dear Darlene,

I am coming to you with a question regarding teenage girls and how to prepare their hearts for "boyfriends" etc.

My daughter is 16. She's never had a boyfriend (which as her mom I'm ok with ha), all of her friends have one, some even two, and talk about how cool it is to walk through school holding hands and texting, etc.

While the mom in me is okay with the fact that she's not had that, the former teenage girl in me remembers that feeling of just wanting that cute boy to notice you, think you’re pretty and hold your hand.

She recently had a "date" but since then there has been very little contact with him, and I'm afraid her first "boyfriend" experience is over before it ever really got started. I’m concerned that she may retreat back into the shell that she has only recently stepped out of.

Is there any advice, insight that you might be willing to share to help in this area?

Thanks!!!

In His Love,

Concerned Mom



Concerned Mom,

I want to focus on the topic of setting boundaries with your daughter. Obviously she's thinking about dating and is dipping her toes into the water, so now is a good time to talk and to set guidelines for her.

Of course these boundaries must be ones that you and your husband are comfortable with. Don’t let her disappointment sway what you deem is best. Your boundaries are based on experience and wisdom, while hers are likely based on the popular opinion of her peers.

Sit down and set these specific boundaries with her. If teenagers don’t know where their boundaries are they might leave it up to guess work in the heat of passion. Not wise.

And while you’re having the “talk,” girls should be advised that boys get sexually aroused much easier than girls, so we need to protect them as well as protecting ourselves from temptation. Sounds like a "no-brainer," but I didn't know that when I was sixteen.

I can’t say that all 16-year-olds are too young to date, or that all of them are ready. Even looking at my own children, I see that some are mature beyond their years while others tend to follow the leader. Brendan was like a 40-year-old man at that age, and now he's about 60. ;)

Dating is such a general term that can be defined as anything from driving in cars with boys to seeing a movie with a group from church. Boundaries are specific to each family, and they should be in place.

My husband and I attended a church where the youth pastor was dating the pastor’s daughter. In fact they were engaged to be married, and were both around 20-years-old. So we invited them over to our house for coffee one evening. We were very surprised when they declined saying that they weren’t allowed to be alone in a car together. We also found out that they held hands but kissing was reserved for marriage. Neither of them seemed to mind, because it was just the accepted norm for their family.

That’s where our conviction becomes an asset. But if we don’t believe what we believe and why we believe it, why should they?

You also mentioned your concern that she may retreat into her shell. I want to encourage you to relax. She has years ahead of her, and things will fall into place when she is ready to handle them.

Dating is laced with disappointments and broken hearts. We all went through it, and our kids have to go through it too.

We survived, right? They will survive too. God has unexpected ways of making things happen. Just lean on him with your baby--she's in His capable hands.

There is so much more that I want to share on this topic, but I’ll save the rest for another post!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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Your People Will Be My People

Dear Darlene,

I loved the advice you gave to the young woman in yesterday's article, "Bride in Training." So great! Especially the counsel to discuss finances in detail before marriage; my husband and I did not do this very well, and it caused confusion. We finally worked through it with a lot of communication, but it would have been so much easier if we had really hashed it out beforehand.

Our pre-marriage financial talk was:

"I really don't like dealing with accounting, would you mind handling that part of the household?"

Followed by his reply, "Sure, whatever you would like."

Meanwhile, his strength is not organization (he has many other strengths), and it is a strength I had, so it did not make sense to do things this way. He really felt frustrated dealing with it, and though it isn't my favorite thing, it is something that I deal with better. So, now I do the accounting and things run smoothly.

I also liked the tip about learning from the respective mothers about cooking. I cooked with my husband’s mother for two weeks before we got married, and learned many different dishes. I was already a person that loved to cook--and cooked a lot--but there is something wonderful about bonding with a future mother-in-law in this way. And there are certain things I can make for my husband now that I would have never known how to make before (e.g., snowball cookies, brisket, sweet and sour meatballs--just like his mom). Certain recipes are particular to each family. These things make a big difference in an early marriage!

Anyway, lots of good tips. Hope you have a great weekend!

Meghann

Dear Meghann,

Thank you for your letter. Your encouragement means a lot coming from a young bride who's recently experienced all of these changes [Meghann’s written to me before].

Marriage is our biggest readjustment in life and the first few years bring us through an incredible life change unlike any other we'll ever face. Even the food we eat is different. It's a wonder that our brains can handle the shift, but I suspect that romance goes a long way in easing the stress.

God knew what He was doing when He created men and women; every detail is wonderfully and carefully thought through. Amazing!

I especially like your thoughts about bonding with your future mother-in-law, and believe that it’s something every young bride should consider. I’m reminded of Ruth who was an example to all women when she embraced her husband’s family as her own. Her devotion to Naomi is a love story all on it’s own.

Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.
~ Ruth 1:16, NIV

If my blog speaks to as much as one woman and makes a difference in her marriage than I have done a part in God's work, but it hasn't been without the encouraging feedback from women like you. Thank you!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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Bride in Training

Dear Darlene,

My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married next December. No proposal or ring yet, but he’s dropped hints that it’s coming. I don’t have any reference for biblical womanhood, I mean I have read the Bible on these topics, and books and blogs (obviously, lol), but I don’t have someone walking with me, someone to look up to who is mentoring me. I mean reading is good and all, but not seeing a breathing, walking example is kind of difficult. I guess my question is what can I do still being single to prepare to be a wife?

Emily

Dear Emily,

I love that question coming from someone who is yet single. Unlike so many other brides you have focused on preparation for marriage rather than a complete focus on preparation for the big day. Flowers, caterers, music, bridesmaids, groomsmen, and rings are merely symbols of the covenant between a woman, her groom, and God.

So how do you prepare? Reading in Proverbs chapter two, men are warned to protect themselves against the seduction of the harlot. It wasn’t until recent months that I read that scripture with a deeper level of understanding:

Wisdom will save you also from the adulterous woman, from the wayward woman with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God. Surely her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead. None who go to her return or attain the paths of life.
~ Proverbs 2:16-19

Reading that portion of scripture I began to look back on my life and saw that the many friendships I’ve kept over time have been a dividing force between my husband and I. I didn’t see it at the time--and we never do when we’re in the throes of a wonderful friendship—but close friends who are not walking in the Word have the potential to lead us astray.

Let’s look at the three ways she can influence us:

1. Seductive words
2. Leaves her husband
3. Ignores God’s Word

Women like this aren’t necessesarily lurking around corners with heavy eye makeup, over-glossed lips and elongated gel nails. They can be the seemingly wholesome women that we sit next to at work, or the new mom that just joined our church. Temptation comes in the forms we least expect.

God doesn’t ask us to ignore the unsaved, but He does warn us to guard our hearts.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.
~ Proverbs 4:23-25, NIV

Friends who are grounded in God’s word won’t flatter you with seductive words. They are the ones who will be strong when you’re weak. They are the ones who will encourage you to stick it out when marriage gets tough and they will seek God’s wisdom above their own.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
~ Proverbs 27:17

Couples Bible studies or College and Career groups are a great way to get connected with other like-minded Christians, but even in these groups guard your heart so that you are both seeking the wisdom of God above the wisdom of man.

I shared with you the importance of strong relationships and the protection of your heart, but there are also practical ways that you can prepare for your marriage.

1. A wise idea for any young woman would be to start saving money. My sister Bonnie who is a financial counselor and CGA advises that you take 10% of the gross earnings and set it aside for tithing first. Savings should be 5-10% of the remainder. So even if you are working part time while going to college, young women should be diligent to put away some money to help with expenses.
   
   
2. Find out what kind of food your fiancé likes and learn to cook his favorite meals. There’s nothing quite like the smell of good cooking when you walk through the door after a hard day at work. You might also get yourself a blank journal (one that will last the test of time) and start collecting family recipes that you’d like to pass down to your children. Ask your mother, his mother, your grandma or your aunt for that recipe that you’ve always loved. And if you can, spend some time in the kitchen with them learning how to make the dish well. Every family has their favorite recipes that remind them of good times. I’ve written down all of my mom’s recipes and make those foods often.
   
   
3. Be thrifty. Start a hope chest if you haven’t already and keep your eye out for bargains. Items might include a set of dishes you see on sale, a patch quilt that someone is giving away, cookbooks from a yard sale, an unwanted dresser. Collecting necessities early will save you money later on.
   
   
4. Discuss important issues before they arise. Will you both be working? When do you plan to have children? Once you have children will you be a stay-at-home mom? Will you rent an apartment or buy a house? What church will you go to? Where will you celebrate Christmas—his parents or yours? Will you homeschool your children? Are you going to establish a budget?
   
   These are the kinds of things that can bring stress to a marriage when the issues aren’t resolved. Having the same mindset will only add peace to your home. On areas where you disagree, try to resolve with a compromise. You may both change your minds on some issues as you grow your family, but going into marriage with the same expectations is the best place to start. Remember that you were created to be a helper to your husband and to be submissive to his will, so while you bring your ideas and wishes into the relationship, respect him as the leader in your home.
   

   “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
   ~ Ephesians 5:22-24, NIV

   
   With that said, I also urge single women to choose husbands who will love them as Christ loved the church; men who will honor them as much as they honor their own body according to the Word. I pray that you have found that man.
   
   
5. When deciding where you plan on living, a good rule of thumb is to budget 30-35% for rent and utilities. Being on the higher side will mean that you will have to cut down on other expenses, while being in the 30% range or lower gives you more flexibility. So choose wisely.
   
   
6. Pray for your fiancé daily and continue to do this after you're married. Listen to his needs and his concerns regardless of how small they may seem and bring his burden to the Lord. A man is strengthened by the prayers of his wife.
   
   
7. Last but not least, never–ever let the sun go down on your wrath. My husband and I vowed to do this before we got married and it’s been one thing we’ve strived to carry on throughout the years. Letting any anger remain unresolved will only grow and fester. Deal with problems immediately and humbly consider the needs of each other.

“Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
~1 Thessalonians 5:15-18

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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